there are so many things in my life that i want to make better. i want to eat healthy and i want to excercise. i want to lose weight in a healthy way. i want to take better care of myself. i want to look better. i want to have a job. i want to go to school. i want to have motivation to do work and go to classes. i want to date someone. i want to meet people. i want to put more effort into the clothes i wear. i want to be a nicer person. i want to have things together and be someone that i like. i want to be happy. and then i start thinking about
how hard it is to get all those things and i just give up before i even start. i feel like i can't have these things. i feel like things like that just won't happen for someone like me. and i don't know how to make them happen.
i cannot get my sleeping schedule right. even though i know that a job would be good for me, when it comes down to it, I can't get myself out of bed in the morning, not to mention that to get myself to take a shower and do my hair and get dressed seems like a huge struggle in the first place. and i feel like i just don't have what it takes to always be watching what i eat, and excercising is the last thing i feel like doing. i just feel like i don't have the energy or the will to do anything. and i just am so frustrated. because i know so many things would be better for me, and i know that you don't get anything unless you try. but i just for some reason, can't do it. and i don't know how to make myself do it.
sometimes i think is it the depression that makes me this way, or am i just a lazy person who just doesn't follow through with anything? i feel like everyday is a fight against what i should be doing and how much i don't want to do it. and a constant question of why i am the way i am. and i just hate it..........................
i just needed to get something out. to know that someone is at least listening. i feel so selfish when i need my feelings to be validated. but i guess that's a whole other issue... but if anyone has felt like this or has advice with this sort of thing of course i would be grateful.