Hello. I've been responding for a few days but mostly post on the migraine-headache forum. I am completely dismayed. I have been through one major upset after another. I don't know if I can take it anymore. I think about
dying all the time but then I started thinking about
actually doing it and you know what? It scared me. I didn't feel peaceful at all. I felt like I wanted my Mom to hold my hand while I went to sleep. I would be terrified to lay there and wait for it to happen. I have talked to my therapist about
this and have signed an agreement that I won't hurt myself. I'm actually told all the time that I am a lovely person with an upbeat personality and that people would never, ever know that I was suffering so. Well, I try so hard to be normal but I'm not. I have chronic migraines and have been on state disability for the past 10.5 months. My disability is going to run out at the end of November and I have to go back to work and sit in the flourescent lights while having excrutiating head pain. I get migraines nearly everyday and have to lay in a dark room with ice and heat. Prior to all of this and while still having chronic migraines (but not as bad as now) I worked, planned a wedding, got married, found out immediately that my husband didn't want to be close to me (to this day I don't know if he has a mental illness or is latent homosexual or what), anyway, he left, I was beyond devastated. I was in SHOCK. Probably something close to PTSS. I had to grieve an illusion and he was completely shut down to me. Since I insisted on knowing a reason, he gave me superficial ones like if I read Dr. Laura's book on husbands, I would have better luck keeping a man. We were a Christian couple. I more mature in my faith than him. We were pure before marriage and I thought that I had made a "healthy" choice, although, looking back it is obviously that I did not. Anyway, I really believed that the doctors were going to help me with my migraines but they didn't. I was deeply depressed but I put my makeup on and clothes and tried so hard to be normal that in public everyone thought I was fine. After about
6 months of intense grieving I lost it. I now had to move. The only thing that kept me going was my little doggie and my 14yr. old cat. My dog was newly adopted (about
a 1.5 yrs. and truly an Angel sent from God - even though I was supposed to be his Angel). Well, I couldn't find a roommie that would take my dog. I really couldn't and I tried VERY HARD. I was getting more and more ANXIOUS along with the depression. My doggie was the only thing that kept me going through those months of intense grief and depression and CHRONIC PAIN. I moved into a 1-bedroom. I look back and I don't know how I got moved. By this time I was suicidal. I was in the worst depression I had ever experienced. Different than now. It was like a dark cloud hanging over me. I would force myself to swim laps at the pool -- cry all the way there - and all the way back. The all the way back part perplexed everybody. I just didn't want to go on. I can't make ends meet. I still have chronic migraine, my car needs tires, my engine light came on and worst of all my doggie was just diagnosed with a tumor and a heart murmur. Needless to say, I am TERRIFIED at the thought of losing the only thing that makes me feel cared for. I can't pay my bills. I know that I have to move again -- don't know how I am going to get through all of this b/c stress and ANXIETY are unbearable.