I can relate to much of what you say. I too am very good at hiding it from the world. Few people have any idea how much I am suffering every day. How I sit up at night writing these e-mails/entries to keep the darkness at bay. I want to cry. I envy you your ability to cry. I can't even do that when I'm alone. Even now as I am writing this my eyes are hurting because I want to cry so badly, but the tears won't come. And yet I'm confused, bewildered, not really sure what I'm supposed to be doing or feeling. I can't even 100% validate my own feelings anymore. I can't tell when I'm blowing something out of proportion. I can't tell when I'm grasping at straws or when the issues are real. I feel like I should be grateful to my husband. He works, pays the bills, looks after us materially, I mean he saved my son and I from single parenthood and my son isn't any the wiser. Sperm donor walked out when I was 2 mths pregnant and my husband walked in a month later. He was there when my son was born. For all intents and purposes, he is my son's father. My son has never known anything or anyone else. But I don't want to be a victim of cicumstance my whole life for that is what I feel like. I want to make my own destiny but circumstances being what they are, keep getting in the way. It's darn frustrating. My husband and I have not had a real relationship in months. We are drifting a part and yet we can still laugh at each other's jokes/expense (my husband is a clutz!). There are still moments of connection but they are on his terms - laughter, joking around, discussing his interests, etc... Rarely on my terms. So the situation isn't identical, but I know that if I loose my marriage, this depression isn't necessarily going to get better. Some issues may be resolved, but many more will be created. My son is ADD and a handfull. I don't know if I can handle him alone day in and day out. Plus there's just the day to day running of life. While I wish my husband would do more, at least he does a few things. If he left, he wouldn't be there to do anything. So I feel conflicted. I want to feel grateful for what he does, but I need him to do so much more and on many different levels. I also don't think the meds help sometimes either. I think they can get in the way of me expressing myself and Effexor is known for its sexual side effects. Sex sends me into a day or more of crazed anxiety attacks. I can't cope with the surge of emotions and it takes me a day or two to get everything back under wraps again. And the thoughts of suicide, yeah, I have them. When it hurts so much you just want to make it stop, anyway possible. But for you it's your doggie. For me it's my kids. I couldn't do that to them. But it scares me to even think that way. I don't get migraines persay, but I get TMJ headaches periodically and they are almost as bad so I can really sympathize with your constant physical agony. Knock wood I haven't had one in awhile but these things come and go. In that respect I think the anti-depressants do help a bit. Anyways, I hadn't meant to get into all this. (I had to go back and reread what I was writing because I lost track of my train of thought!!!!!) Mainly I wanted to say that I understand what it is you are going through. I feel for you and hope that something good happens to lift your spirits and get you back on track. Your whole marriage issue is rough. Be honest to yourself and let yourself grieve. It's natural. Death is not all that we grieve. And we must allow ourselves the time to heal. Sometimes if we can honestly say to ourselves, "I am grieving and it's natural. I'm not crazy." Just the act of taking ownership of that can be very powerful because then you are in control and not the emotions. It's definitely easier said than done. I am grieving too right now. I lost my mother-in-law in April 2005 and grieving is a long painful process. I miss her terribly and wish she were still here, but she isn't, I can't change that, so then you need to find a way to grieve without destroying yourself. I'm working on it too. It's definitely not easy. But if writing here helps, than by all means, write away. We're a bunch of good listeners, good talkers, good complainers, good whatevers...... But if it helps, than by all means. Anyways, sleep is starting to win over. Writing this entry helped I think. Thank you for bearing with me, even when I went off on tangent there.
Take care of yourself. My thoughts are with you.
It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....