I am beginning to think that I'm scared of going to bed because every night just about
the time I think about
going to bed, a lump develps in my chest. The idea of going to bed is just overwhelmingly scary. My jaw is clenched. I have an overwhelming urge to cry. And yet I'm exhausted. I need to sleep, desperately. I saw my doctor this morning for a talk session and I'd been having a really good day up til this point. Even got my front garden completely cleaned out. I'd decided a few weeks ago that it was time for a clean slate so everything was pulled out and I'm starting over. I finally did it today. My husband even helped me with some of the harder stuff, digging up the rose bushes root systems and pulling them out for example. In the next day or two I'm going to get some bulbs in and then I can look forward to some beautiful flowers in the spring. I'm excited about
that. I love tulips and spring flowers in general, they are so happy looking after a season of snow. I didn't mind winter when I could enjoy it, but it's harder to do as an adult. I hate dressing the kids up in the morning in their snowsuits to get out of the house. It's so much easier in the late spring/summer/early fall. I think part of my problem is the changing seasons. I'm getting less fresh air, less sunshine. And in another week or so the clocks are going to change and that is going to really mess me up. It always does.... I hate feeling so overwhelmed by everything. Little things totally mess me up. Mole hills become mountains without much effort on my part. Everything just seems like it's too much to handle. For example, my daughter keeps crying out tonight, which is very out of character for her. She has settled back down each time but I'm terrified she will wake up and I'll have to actually deal with her. And yet I'm worried too since this is really out of character for her. I hope she's not getting sick. One more thing to deal with. I just want to be left alone. I want to just throw my arms up in the air and have a temper tantrum. It seems to work for my two year old. She's upset about
something, has a temper tantrum, gets it out of her system, and moves on. Why isn't it that easy when we get to adulthood?! I don't know, I just feel really frustrated with myself. With my body. With my brain. With everything. Why won't I work properly? Why can't I sleep like a normal person? I'm exhausted. It should be easy, but it's not. This is driving me crazy.....
It's not helping me get to sleep, but I needed to get it off my chest.... thanks for listening.
It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....