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Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 10/17/2006 12:39 AM (GMT -6)   
I am beginning to think that I'm scared of going to bed because every night just about the time I think about going to bed, a lump develps in my chest.  The idea of going to bed is just overwhelmingly scary.  My jaw is clenched.  I have an overwhelming urge to cry.  And yet I'm exhausted.  I need to sleep, desperately.  I saw my doctor this morning for a talk session and I'd been having a really good day up til this point.  Even got my front garden completely cleaned out.  I'd decided a few weeks ago that it was time for a clean slate so everything was pulled out and I'm starting over.  I finally did it today.  My husband even helped me with some of the harder stuff, digging up the rose bushes root systems and pulling them out for example.  In the next day or two I'm going to get some bulbs in and then I can look forward to some beautiful flowers in the spring.  I'm excited about that.  I love tulips and spring flowers in general, they are so happy looking after a season of snow.  I didn't mind winter when I could enjoy it, but it's harder to do as an adult.  I hate dressing the kids up in the morning in their snowsuits to get out of the house.  It's so much easier in the late spring/summer/early fall. I think part of my problem is the changing seasons.  I'm getting less fresh air, less sunshine.  And in another week or so the clocks are going to change and that is going to really mess me up.  It always does....  I hate feeling so overwhelmed by everything.  Little things totally mess me up.  Mole hills become mountains without much effort on my part.  Everything just seems like it's too much to handle.  For example, my daughter keeps crying out tonight, which is very out of character for her.  She has settled back down each time but I'm terrified she will wake up and I'll have to actually deal with her.  And yet I'm worried too since this is really out of character for her.  I hope she's not getting sick.  One more thing to deal with.  I just want to be left alone.  I want to just throw my arms up in the air and have a temper tantrum.  It seems to work for my two year old.  She's upset about something, has a temper tantrum, gets it out of her system, and moves on.   Why isn't it that easy when we get to adulthood?!  I don't know, I just feel really frustrated with myself.  With my body.  With my brain.  With everything.  Why won't I work properly?  Why can't I sleep like a normal person?  I'm exhausted.  It should be easy, but it's not.  This is driving me crazy..... 
It's not helping me get to sleep, but I needed to get it off my chest.... thanks for listening.
 It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 10/17/2006 2:41 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Slowly,
I'm exhausted just listening to you - hee! No, seriously I hope you got some sleep tonight. I'm glad to hear that you have a therapist to talk to. When you feel like throwing temper tantrum can you exercise? Can you take the kids into the backyard and wrestle or chase each other. I think exercise might help you with sleep and anxiety too. I have been struggling too with wanting be like a "normal" person. I'm working on accepting that this is where I am at and learning to take one day at a time. Oh, and slowly, I hold my breath a lot. Anxious and stressed people do that. A suggestion was made to me that might help you...take some red dots and place them everywhere -- your rearview mirror, spedometor, vanity, computer, ETC and every time you see one --- BREATHE. If you can do some deep steady breathing. It really does help. I hope you feel better.
DX: chronic migraine, cervical degeneration, depression/anxiety
RX: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Soma, Immitrex
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."

New Member

Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 10/17/2006 2:55 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm currently sitting awake at two ocolck with college class at nine tomarrow and and in need of sleep... but my thoughts are rambling and all i can do is toss and turn. I even started to read a book... finished it... now.... i'm on the computer hehehe. It seems like even though i'm tired i stop sleeping and because i am bi-polar (on meds though) the worrying begins and i start dwelling on ridiculous things... batting averages and free throws made in crucial playoff games in baseball and basketball five years ago.... illogical in my book, never the less thats the kind of stuff i think about. Since you have kids its hard to get any free time but maybe you could benefit from a little excersize in the late afternoon or before work... soemthign to maybe wear you out at the end of the day...
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