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Posted 10/21/2006 6:38 AM (GMT -8)
This has been a very stressful week for me and I thought I would share it with all of you.  First, my younger brother and his girlfriend whom I havent spoken to in 3 years had twin girls this past Saturday.  One of them was stillborn.  She was able to be recisitated and taken to the university hospital where she has been in baby ICU.  She is getting better slowly but she may have possible brain damage from lack of oxygen.  It is a wait and see game.  My aunt called and told us, my mother and I who also hasnt spoken to him in 3 years as he cut her out of his life because she got married and he demanded that she not.  So since we all three are stubborn and wouldnt call the other I had to drum up the courage to call him...which I did on Monday.  I was so amazed that he was happy to hear from me and wanted to see me and mom.  So all is well there and hopefully Kiley (the baby) will continue to get better.

Now, on to my biggest issue.  In talking to my brother he told me that my ex-husband is engaged to be married.  Do I have a problem with this?  Yes! to be honest I do...for one thing he has been e-mailing me for the last 2 years since our divorse has been final telling me how much he loves me.  This happens at least once a week, every week, up until last week.  So what the hey is going on here?  I messaged him on Monday and told him about the baby and he didnt message me back...I thought that was funny as he always e-mails me straight away.  I messaged him again on Wednesday and no response.  I guess he thinks I know now and he's good and caught.  What is it with these men?  No I had no intention of going back to my husband and I really feel sorry for any female who ends up with him but I am mad that he has lied to me.  Again.  And I am mad that I allowed it and I allowed myself to be played.  I am mad that he is able to move on after two years of our divorse.  He was married before me and I always had to live in that womans shadow and he never really trusted me because of her...it took him 7 years to ask me to marry him.  Grrrr!!! Why am I so mad?  I dont even love him any more but I cant keep thinking about this....

 

Posted 10/21/2006 8:04 AM (GMT -8)
Hi Elisha..

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. You have every right to be mad! I feel he is playing you - but not intentionally...he still may care for you very much and feels comfortable talking to you. I feel sorry for the lady he is engaged to! He is e-mailing you..telling you that he loves you..while he is engaged to be married?? This is a form of cheating..and he is cheating on her. If I were engaged..and I found out my fiance was e-mailing his ex-wife telling her he still loved her..I would kick him to the curb.

Please do not be hard on yourself for feeling the way you do. In your heart..although you may not love him anymore..you may still have feelings of care and concern for him..and that is what is making you upset that he is moving on with his life. However..he is not really "moving on" if he is still in love or says he loves you. I hope this makes sense. Feel bad for him instead and his fiance.
Posted 10/21/2006 8:35 AM (GMT -8)
Hang in there Elisha, sounds like he may have been having a hard time moving on too. I hope you can move on past it and be happy. I'm glad you talked to your brother! My mom and brother have not spoken in over 10 years and it is hard. I talk to both and keep them updated, my mom has tried to make contact, but my brother is a butthead.
I hope the baby is ok and maybe she will help bring your family back together.
Posted 10/21/2006 10:20 PM (GMT -8)
Awww, Elisha ... Hugs!  You spent a lot of years with that man, he's a part of you, and vice versa.  You can both move on, but you can't erase the history. 

I divorced my first husband 36 years ago - and I can still get ticked off when I hear about some of his current behaviors.  Sounds like you got sucked in and compacted this time, but I'd bet that's a pattern of his that you've experienced before. 

The great news is that your brother was pleased to hear from you and that you are all willing to attempt a reconnect.  Good Luck with keeping that communication going.   :-)

Posted 10/22/2006 5:36 AM (GMT -8)
Thank you all for your support :-) .  It has been hard for me after my divorce I was with him since I was 19 and havent found the right balance to dating just yet if that makes any sense?  I think it does upset me that he found someone so quickly...but I know he has a fear of being alone.  So yeah, I do really feel sorry for the woman he is marrying and in the fact that she may not know all his selfish behavior patterns that I am sure he has not broken since me. 

Rianna, your right that him e-mailing me and telling me this whole time that me loves me still is certianly cheating...not of the body but of the mind and heart which may be worse I think.  That is something that bothers me greatly as when we were married I thought he was doing that with someone else on the computer. 

I cant erase history and I dont think I would if I could.  He will always be a part of me regardless and I will always love him to an extent but no, I am not in love with him any more.  So, I think I have to be the one to put a stop to it and let him know that I do know what he has been doing and that I dont hold any anger towards him and wish him all the best for his future.  No more e-mails after that...I think it will help us both to move on in a positive direction hopefully.

As for my immediate family things are going great.  Mom and brother are getting along wonderful as is my brother and I.  We went to the hospital yesterday to see the baby and she is improving a little.  They are trying to get her to eat through and NG tube which she held well.  The next step is for her to poop which she has done in the week since she has been born.  The other baby Cara who is a little miracle of her own as she is the smallest at 4.6 lbs is sooo cute.  Is very healthy and was discharged from the hospital the same day as her mother. 

Posted 10/22/2006 6:23 AM (GMT -8)
Elisha,
Men!!!! Ok,let me tell you this little story (I am going a hundred miles an hour)
My mom's husband walked out on her with no reason why.
After a few weeks he called and wanted to talk. Now during those two weeks I was at her house every night as she was in a major state of depression,crying,screaming,blaming herself..calling herself ugly ect ect.
She meets him,he tells her why he left and tells her he wants to get counseling.
They start going to counseling twice a week together,she goes 3 times a week by herself. She lost about 75 lbs,went out and bought new sexy clothes,bought contacts,got a new hair do... ect ect. Trying to do everything she could think of to make him happy when he came back home. During counseling he kept telling her he loved her,and that they would make it work.He told her he wanted to buy a bigger house,(the house they lived in she bought while she was a single mom and it took alot of work to make it nice).She was even ready to give up the house that she bought and made into a nice home by herself to make him happy.
One day she decides to "surprise him" and take off early from work...she wore her sexiest outfit,spent alot of time getting ready ect ect.
She shows up to the house where he was staying,walks into the bedroom,and guess what? He was lying in bed with another woman.
My mom showing all of the class that she could just took off her wedding ring,laid it down on the night stand and walked out.
That put her in the deepest depression I have ever seen and it scared the heck out of me. But she made it through...to this day she really doesn't take care of herself,and she has no intentions of ever even looking at another man. Her heart is stone.
I sometimes think men try to hold on to a women,because they are so insecure and not sure where they are going. Once they find someone else then they will drop that woman in a heartbeat. BUT.... in a few years when your ex screws this relationship up he will try to come crawling back (my mom's ex tried it 2 years ago and she told him to go to hell).
Then you can let him know where he stands..and let him know what a piece of crap he is!
Posted 10/22/2006 6:46 AM (GMT -8)
Shy, your mom's ex sounds like the worst kind of rat!! devil    It is the shady behavior like that why I have such a hard time trusting men in the first place.  I know not all men are like this...but they are very few and far between.  My mom and I was talking about this yesterday about if "love is blind" or if we as women chose to ignore their behaviors until it gets to be too much.  I dont know what the answer is and that is what scares me the most about getting into another relationship.  I dont want to be blind and I dont want to ignore behaviors that I can tolorate until I am ready to go crazy. 

Maybe I will just get a dog.... tongue

Posted 10/23/2006 3:51 AM (GMT -8)
Ha Elisha,a dog would be the most loyal that is for sure.
You hang in there,you have so much to offer a man that when you do find the one that deserves you he will be very lucky that is for sure.
Posted 10/23/2006 3:55 AM (GMT -8)

Thank you Shy...Your too sweet :-)

I am still going to get that dog though...LOL!

Posted 10/28/2006 3:33 PM (GMT -8)
Els, I am so glad that things with your family are better. Having them back in your life will make a big difference and I am so proud of you for taking that first step!!!

It is totally understandable and human that you would be angry. However, focus that anger where it belongs, at the ex and not at yourself. Remember that just because he "found someone" it doesn't say a thing about you. It says more about him that he can't seem to be an honest person. It will take time but you have to forgive yourself and know that you are a good person who deserves to be happy. You have to make your own decisions because you know what is best for you. However, may I suggest blocking his email from your inbox so you never have to put up with that again? This guy obviously isn't worth the heart ache and stress he puts you through. What a dope he must be to lose you! You are a kind, compassionate and supportive person and he was lucky to have whatever time he had with you. Karma works my dear and you will get what you are putting out into the world. Success really is the best revenge and living the happiest life possible will be your song!

My thoughts are with you and your family. Hope everything turns out alright for the baby.

Take Care,
Posted 10/29/2006 6:10 AM (GMT -8)

Hi Stronglady, Thank you so much for your kind words.  It has made a big differance already in me and in my mom having my brother and is kids back into our lives.  It is like a big hole has been closed.  I have been very sick the last year and it was difficult to go through without him...we all are very hard headed and never want to admit when we are wrong.  So for me to call him that day and have the strength to do so I think had to only come from God.  I know that he wouldnt of and mom wouldnt of so...it was up to me to do.  Kiley (the baby) is doing great and they are hoping she will be able to move from the ICU next week sometime.  She is also a little miracle baby.

With my ex husband it was hard, I had been with him since I was 19 and didnt know anyone else.  I still have mixed feelings on it all but I know that the divorce was the right decision and I made a terrible mistake in marrying him (I will only admit here that my mom was right in that tongue ).  My last e-mail to him I really wanted to blast him...ya know?  but I think I did okay with telling him that it was time that we moved on with our lives and we couldnt do that by e-mailing each other all the time.  I wished him and his future wife all the best (just so he knew that I knew) and left it at that.  I did block his address from e-mail but I have to admit there hasnt been a day yet that I havent been tempted to unblock it just to see what he has to say...that is pathetic isnt it?  I am going to try not to do that though because he has twisted me up for so many years that I do need to move on and I cant as long as he is still in my life no matter how small and indirect it may be.  Your right...he wasnt worth the stress and heartache by far...

Posted 10/29/2006 7:56 AM (GMT -8)
My own take on the male/female thing is that women need men to support them financially. We don't make the same kind of money they do and everything is geared in their direction. We have the children and though they bear his name, we do all the work including labor PAINS. It is a very unfair system. We are also supposed to look a certain way for them. Why can't they look good for us?

Women open your eyes........PLEASE. I am very active with NOW, the National Organization for Women is which the second oldest civil rights group in the country. NNACP is the oldest.
Posted 10/30/2006 5:54 AM (GMT -8)

Hey Joan, Personally...and this is only my opinion, I dont feel that women need men to take care of them or "support them financially".  We as women have came a long way from the 1900's and granted the female race as a whole may not be equal to men on a financial basis and employment basis however, we do as individuals make our own choices and career paths.

In my case, I was more educated than my husband.  I had a 4 yr college degree and he didnt yet, he made more money then I did by far.  But I went into the mental health field which does pay much and he worked with computers which pays pretty well.  We lived together for years before getting married and our money was always kept seperate so when we married this just continued.  He didnt feel the need to support me...even when I became sick and was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis a year into our marriage.  My medical bills piled up and he continued to spend all his money on gadges and toys just like he always did.  The money was always an issue but I can say now that it is all over that the emotional seperation, lack of care and concern that he had for me was what did our marriage in.  We all make our choices in life regarding relationships, employment and education....I guess I am just trying to say that there is nothing holding anyone back or down.  Our options are limitless and our own....

Posted 10/31/2006 5:47 PM (GMT -8)

Hey Everybody,

Been there, done that.  I was married to a man(boy) who turned out to be autistic, specifically Aspergers Syndrome.  I figured this out a little late, when I was divorcing him.  I had lots of physical problems that caused me to gain weight steadily throughout our five year marriage.  I decided to have gastric bypass surgery to combat the problem and help with my health problems.  He was not supportive of my decision, apparently he was a "chubby chaser" at heart. 

He immediately began surfing the internet for fat chicks after I fell asleep at night.  He was a computer network genius, but was totally inept at covering his trail on our home computer, very typical of someone with Aspergers.  I was able to logon with his ID and password and follow all his activity.  He was most interested in women 500lbs and up.  I collected documentation for a couple of months before calling a "family" meeting with his parents and mine.  I had copies of instant messages, emails, and naked photos of women he had been chatting up and starting to date.  He even brought one to our town to find an apartment for the two of them.  His father was incensed at his son, and could not believe he was chasing these "circus freaks." 

As soon as I realized what he was doing, and that he was totally unsupportive of my surgery, I immediately knew I was headed for divorce court. I didn't want anything to do with him, but I also didn't want anyone hooking up with him either.  Why should he get away with treating me like crap, and walk away with somebody else already lined up to step right into my spot.  Every time I located a new one of my husband's targets, I filled them in on his shenanigans.  He had told every one a different sob story, i.e. he was a widower, he was separated, he was divorced...you name it.  The only thing that kept me going during that time was to vex him at every turn.  Not to mention, he kept telling me he wanted to work things out.  What a load of crap.  I was so hurt and depressed that he was effectively dropping me like a hot potato, especially because I was trying to improve my health, I wasn't going to let him get away pain-free.  It's bad enough to be dumped, but it is worse to add insult to injury.

Just my two cents worth,

Leigh Ann cool

Posted 11/1/2006 4:55 AM (GMT -8)
Leigh Ann, Wow! I am so sorry for what you went through...

Stories like yours, Shy's mother's and mine are what is making it so difficult for me not to be so jaded toward men.  How do you go on and want to get into another relationship after something like that?  How do you trust, not just someone else but yourself to make to right decision?

Posted 11/1/2006 5:21 AM (GMT -8)
Elisha,
I understand the jaded feeling. I know I have said this before,but I had no intentions of finding anyone...I did not care,thought all men sucked and that was that.
But,I went with my best friend to her sister's house,and when I walked in and saw this gorgeous man sitting on the couch I was sunk.
It is funny now as the attraction was there for both of us the very first day. He had not dated for a couple years as he had been thru the ringer with his ex girlfriend. So neither of us was looking.
I think that is when it happens for people that are jaded. When they least expect it someone comes into their lives.
Don't sell yourself short. The only thing you have to do is look for the person that is totally opposite from your ex.
On the ex level...it is funny that you mentioned your mom was right. My mom bashed my ex husband from the beginning.And she swears to this day that I married him just to get even with her.
I am not sure that is totally right,but I am sure it was a part of it. The judge that married us at the court house did everything he could to try to talk me out of it right in front of my ex. I should have listened.
He saw right thru my ex I think. I bash myself to this day for being so dumb! But have to take it as I learned alot from him...mostly how to duck and cover,but it made me a stronger person to this day.
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