Hi Slowly - yes you do have the right!!!
I haven't seen any posts from you for a few days and I was I admit, getting a little worried. Your advice to others always seems to sensible and sound, and you have been a great source of help to me over the last few weeks without really knowing it. (So thanks, its good to have you back)
Sorry that you are feeling so low and don't worry about the 'books' - if people don't want to read them they won't. I feel that I know where you are coming from with the 'perfect exterior' while everything boils over inside. I have really analised things for me over the last few weeks to see if I can get to the bottom of my unhappiness. I know that I have been greiving alot this year and I though that this was perhaps the root of my problems (I have lost my Grandparents, my aunt and two sister in laws all since May) but I am beginning to think that that was just what finally pushed me over the edge.
Alot has happened to me in my past, but generally I used to be happy with my lot, I have a roof over my head (I was homeless for two years), I have a wonderful husband that I trust with my life (after getting through the issues of being raped) and I am in contact with my family (although that is still exceptionally strained). The roof over my head and the loving partner were important to me when I was younger. I missed out on alot of opportunities growing up through my teens and early twenties but these were the things I felt I needed most to obtain stability. I was lucky to get them. I can't have kids becasue of the rape and so I became very focused on working to bring in money, not realising that I wasn't really doing what I wanted (I am still not (seperate issue!)). I started to read some 'self-help' books aimed at making you believe you can be whatever you wanted to be, have all the money in the world, do the charity work, have time for social persuits etc, in other words 'have it all'. and I started to go after some of the things I felt I wanted in life, and the reality is it has played a big part in my depression and has made me very unhappy. (hindsight - a wonderful thing)
Everyone is entitled to an opinion and mine is that I think life should be more basic. The high flying, materialistic world is not for everyone - and it has taken me almost 10 years to realise it. These books make life seem really easy - work for it and you shall have - and I just don't think that all of us are meant to be that way or have it all. The reality is that for some reason I lead myself to believe that I wanted it all, and then I felt like a failure because I wasn't getting it. I am now trying to go back to basics and appreciate the things I do have and then each day look at something that is making me unhappy and see what I can do to solve it. It is not working perfectly yet because I am only concentrating on the small things - building up the courage to deal with the bigger 'life chaging' issues that I am totally avoiding, but I will get to them.
I remember when I first got my house and my car, I would drive to the supermarket and say out loud - arn't I lucky. I haven't done that in so long now. I have forgotton about the basics because I have been tied up trying to be someone perfect and acceptable to society. I just want to be me (and I am still trying to work out who me is). I want to wakeup and start feeling happy to be alive, I want to find friends, I want to learn to dance and have fun again, I want to go home to Canada and although I haven't a clue how to do these things yet, I know i will, and that gives me a really basic goal to aim for, unpressured and in my own time. I will achive it!!
I am trying to accept people for who they are, like I want them to accept me. I appreciate how hard it is to sit and wait for others to give you the info you need so you can get on with things at work, frustration turns to anger and I sometimes wonder why I have to be so calm and understanding when they are swagging around not realising or caring that there are deadlines to meet etc. I don't have the answers to dealing with it all the time and I am a boss, so it is easier for me to sit someone down and explain to them the effects of their actions - or lack of them. But this doesn't mean you can't do it too, you should talk the the people that cause you issues and then go higher if you really have to (hard to do and easy to say I know). But people can't always put two and two together and guess how you are feeling. I really encourage the whole team at work to talk about things that bother them just as much as the great stuff, I was really surprised at how well they can do this, once they realised it is not a one sided conversation and they could talk to all levels about the problem without the hierarchy.
So rant all you like, your problems are your problems and no less important than anyone elses, they are important to you and that is what matters. If they make you unhappy, then vent or you only just make yourself feel worse. You are not alone.