I agree with Wizzer, you have every right to your feelings. I can relate to some extent with the both of you. Only my depression stems back to when I was little and was molested by an older cousin. It has messed me up something terrible. I lived so long without telling anybody. The guilt, self loathing, low self esteem .. anger .. I've got pretty much it all.
I often wondered why I was so paranoid to be around certain people. Why I couldn't take crowded place. I basically, analize everything that's ever happened bad has a direct link to me. The Toronto Maple Leaf's last won the Stanley Cup the year I was born and haven't won it since. Coincidense? I blame myself for everything. Even if the weather is raining, you can bet sure as shootin' that I killed a spider the day before. (I think that's the OCD coming out) .... grr.
What I'm trying to get at is, I'm never happy either. I certainly don't have it all, but I keep thinking if only I had such and such, then I will be happy. Then I get whatever that is and realize, nope that wasn't it. The thrill of having it makes me happy for about 1/2 and hour and it's gone. Or I feel guilty for spending the money or something silly like that. I'm also trying very hard to find out who I am. I don't know who that is. For so long I've been acting I've lost me in the process. I had to act to avoid teasing or to be accepted. Now, I'm falling apart, I can't keep up the act, and everyone around me is blown away. They don't understand what I'm going through, and why I'm cracking at the seams.
So, if venting on here makes the load a little bit easier to bear, then by all means, vent away. That's what I think almost everyone here is here for. To let others, like us, feel at home, and comfortable expressing what we feel that's eating us up inside, that needs to be let out. I'm not usually good at advice, but I'm a good listener .. you can unload on me anytime.
Oh and by the way, I'm a Canadian too. I live in Northern Ontario. Take care of yourself. You're are certainly not in this alone. We all have our own stories and they are just as important as everyone elses. I think having others validate that makes a world of difference. I hope you continue to use this forum as a way of healing yourself. Hang in there.
Diagnosed: OCD, Anxiety/Panic Disorder, Social Phobia, Chronic Depression, Eating Disorder, Hypothyroidism, Fibromyalgia, Costochondritis, Restless Leg Syndrome, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
Current Meds: Prozac, Wellbutrin, Synthroid, Furosemide, Meloxicam, Pantoloc, Spironolactone, Clonazapam