do I have the right?

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Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 10/23/2006 7:34 AM (GMT -6)   
Do I have the right to complain?  To be depressed?  I look at my life and overall it's pretty good.  I have a house.  We aren't poor.  I have two beautiful kids.  My husband doesn't beat me.  Okay, like many men he's very disconnected from his feelings and having an intimate discussion is paramount to tagging along with me shoe shopping.  In fact if he has the choice, he'd rather do the latter.  But he tries.  I have a job, a good paying one at that considering my level of education.  And yet no matter how good I think I should be feeling, I feel like crap.   No matter how hard I try, I never seem to feel any better.  Even finding the words to post here today is really difficult.  I've been wanting to post for a couple of days now, but the words just didn't want to come out and for me, who cherishes the written word for its ability to make me feel better, when even that is choked up, it's really frustrating.  It's like I know how I feel, but I don't know why I feel that way because when you look at my life in general, I don't know why I am so unhappy all the time.  I read your threads and I say, hey, I've got it better than she/he does, and yet I feel just as crappy.  Do I have the right to be when instead I should be feeling grateful?  I don't feel like I'm feeling sorry for myself, it's just how I feel.  I have no energy.  I look forward to nothing.  Everything is a challenge, mentally and physically.  Emotionally I'm exhausted.  And then there's my son who is struggling with his own issues of depression (he's 10) and I feel like I need to be strong for him and yet I don't know how to.  Does any of this even make sense?  I just feel very overwhelmed with life right now.  And a failure at most things.  And then there's the guilt.  Although I don't subscribe to the guilty conscience as much as I used to, it's still there.  I feel guilty for my son's suffering and yet on the other hand, it could be a lot worse too.  I feel guilty for being sick and depressed and not being able to be everything I should be.  It's so hard to balance it mentally and emotionally.  I'm trying to get help for my son and I, but it's hard when some of the people around us who can help us, don't totally understand the urgency, especially for my son.  He's 10 now, another couple years and the hormones start kicking in.  I fear how the depression could evolve if it remains untreated into his teen years.  But I have to wait on my husband to get certain information from his work for me and he's forgetful.  So I feel frustrated.  And I'm not the most patient person.  Although I maintain a very good appearance of lots of patience, inside I'm boiling away, "tapping my fingers", waiting for others to get me the information I need to move forward.  And when they don't place the same priority on the information that I do, it's difficult.  So I have to maintain a semblance of calm regardless of how crazy I feel on the inside.  All last week that's what it was like.  Things were going well, I had a good week, but despite that, I felt anxious and the "butterfly in the stomach" feeling like right before an anticipated event, all the time.  On the outside no one can tell.  But then I wonder again, why am I feeling this way?  Do I have the right?  My life is a bowl of cherries compared to some others.  I have a loving supportive family, despite their misunderstanding or lack of understanding of my medical issues.  I have everything I need to be happy on a physical and mental level, even if it's not perfect.   But emotionally, none of it is enough.   Why?  Am I too picky?  Do I expect/want too much?
And then there's the Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue that definitely contribute to the depression.  And I've fought two yeast infections in the last two weeks.  I had finally gotten that under control.  The last year and a half or so, maybe even longer, things have been really good as far as that goes, but now all of a sudden my system is acting up and yeast infections only make me feel even less happy, more emotional, and very uncomfortable.   And the thing is everyone around me is fighting off some kind of cold so it's hard to just pass the buck and let someone else look after things for awhile.  You can always tell when mom is under the weather because laundry isn't done, the kitchen deteriorates even further, the house just gathers more clutter, and so on and so on.  And I don't feel well.  But somehow I have to keep going even though all I want to do is curl up in my bed and get another hour or so worth of sleep.....  Anyways, I could keep going, it's helping to get this off my chest but at the same time, you don't need a book every time I post!!!!  I'm very good at books!!!!  But my eyes hurt from the fatigue and I'm hungry!  So I'm going to stop here.  Thank you for listening....

 It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....

Post Edited (slowlygoingcrazy) : 10/23/2006 6:42:23 AM (GMT-6)

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 10/23/2006 1:45 PM (GMT -6)   

Hi Slowly - yes you do have the right!!!

I haven't seen any posts from you for a few days and I was I admit, getting a little worried.  Your advice to others always seems to sensible and sound, and you have been a great source of help to me over the last few weeks without really knowing it. (So thanks, its good to have you back)

Sorry that you are feeling so low and don't worry about the 'books' - if people don't want to read them they won't. I feel that I know where you are coming from with the 'perfect exterior' while everything boils over inside.  I have really analised things for me over the last few weeks to see if I can get to the bottom of my unhappiness.  I know that I have been greiving alot this year and I though that this was perhaps the root of my problems (I have lost my Grandparents, my aunt and two sister in laws all since May) but I am beginning to think that that was just what finally pushed me over the edge.

Alot has happened to me in my past, but generally I used to be happy with my lot, I have a roof over my head (I was homeless for two years), I have a wonderful husband that I trust with my life (after getting through the issues of being raped) and I am in contact with my family (although that is still exceptionally strained).  The roof over my head and the loving partner were important to me when I was younger.  I missed out on alot of opportunities growing up through my teens and early twenties but these were the things I felt I needed most to obtain stability.  I was lucky to get them.  I can't have kids becasue of the rape and so I became very focused on working to bring in money, not realising that I wasn't really doing what I wanted (I am still not (seperate issue!)).  I started to read some 'self-help' books aimed at making you believe you can be whatever you wanted to be, have all the money in the world, do the charity work, have time for social persuits etc, in other words 'have it all'. and I started to go after some of the things I felt I wanted in life, and the reality is it has played a big part in my depression and has made me very unhappy. (hindsight - a wonderful thing)

Everyone is entitled to an opinion and mine is that I think life should be more basic.  The high flying, materialistic world is not for everyone - and it has taken me almost 10 years to realise it.  These books make life seem really easy  - work for it and you shall have - and I just don't think that all of us are meant to be that way or have it all.  The reality is that for some reason I lead myself to believe that I wanted it all, and then I felt like a failure because I wasn't getting it. I am now trying to go back to basics and appreciate the things I do have and then each day look at something that is making me unhappy and see what I can do to solve it.  It is not working perfectly yet because I am only concentrating on the small things - building up the courage to deal with the bigger 'life chaging' issues that I am totally avoiding, but I will get to them.

I remember when I first got my house and my car, I would drive to the supermarket and say out loud - arn't I lucky.  I haven't done that in so long now.  I have forgotton about the basics because I have been tied up trying to be someone perfect and acceptable to society.  I just want to be me  (and I am still trying to work out who me is).  I want to wakeup and start feeling happy to be alive, I want to find friends, I want to learn to dance and have fun again, I want to go home to Canada and although I haven't a clue how to do these things yet, I know i will, and that gives me a really basic goal to aim for, unpressured and in my own time.  I will achive it!!
I am trying to accept people for who they are, like I want them to accept me.  I appreciate how hard it is to sit and wait for others to give you the info you need so you can get on with things at work, frustration turns to anger and I sometimes wonder why I have to be so calm and understanding when they are swagging around not realising or caring that there are deadlines to meet etc.  I don't have the answers to dealing with it all the time and I am a boss, so it is easier for me to sit someone down and explain to them the effects of their actions - or lack of them.  But this doesn't mean you can't do it too, you should talk the the people that cause you issues and then go higher if you really have to (hard to do and easy to say I know).  But people can't always put two and two together and guess how you are feeling.  I really encourage the whole team at work to talk about things that bother them just as much as the great stuff, I was really surprised at how well they can do this, once they realised it is not a one sided conversation and they could talk to all levels about the problem without the hierarchy.
So rant all you like, your problems are your problems and no less important than anyone elses, they are important to you and that is what matters.  If they make you unhappy, then vent or you only just make yourself feel worse.  You are not alone.

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 10/23/2006 7:37 PM (GMT -6)   
So you are originally from Canada? I am a Canadian too!!! Whereabouts in Canada are you from? Where are you now? Thank you for your kind words. They do help. I'm glad I have been of assistance to you as well. And y'know what one of my biggest problem is, that I've been wanting to go back to basics for years. I keep telling my husband I don't want more, I want less. I don't care for having a lot of movies, or gizmos or gadgets and I'm not into collecting everything and anything. I have a few precious things and my photographs. But my house is full of clutter. My husband has kept everything from every stage of his life. I have boxes of toys, comic books, highschool paraphenalia, you name it!!!! And because he keeps everything, it's hard to reduce the amount of "stuff" my children own because he doesn't want to get rid of anything. I have to really push him every time it comes to going through things and purging. But in general my house drives me crazy. I want less, not more. So I completely understand the whole idea of simplifying. It's what I want more than anything in the world. The problem is that's not the message the media sends us or our children. They send the message that more is better. And it's a flashy message that's hard to ignore..... Anyways, I gotta go put my daughter to bed and then my son needs to go to bed. My husband went to bed early with a cold, which I think I am in the process of getting but when you feel like crap most of the time, it can be hard to tell the difference!!!!!

And you know, you and I are in opposing positions. You were raped and are now unable to have children. (It must have been quite violent?) I on the other hand was raped, ended up pregnant and abandoned at the age of 18, two weeks before my 19th birthday. Guess what I got to tell my parents for my 19th birthday!!! One of those difficult years.....

If you'd like, send me an e-mail to my personal address.

Take care, slowlygoingcrazy
 It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 10/23/2006 11:55 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Slowly,
I agree with Wizzer, you have every right to your feelings.  I can relate to some extent with the both of you.  Only my depression stems back to when I was little and was molested by an older cousin.  It has messed me up something terrible.  I lived so long without telling anybody.  The guilt, self loathing, low self esteem .. anger .. I've got pretty much it all. 
I often wondered why I was so paranoid to be around certain people.  Why I couldn't take crowded place.  I basically, analize everything that's ever happened bad has a direct link to me.  The Toronto Maple Leaf's last won the Stanley Cup the year I was born and haven't won it since.  Coincidense?  I blame myself for everything.  Even if the weather is raining, you can bet sure as shootin' that I killed a spider the day before.  (I think that's the OCD coming out) .... grr.
What I'm trying to get at is, I'm never happy either.   I certainly don't have it all, but I keep thinking if only I had such and such, then I will be happy.  Then I get whatever that is and realize, nope that wasn't it.  The thrill of having it makes me happy for about 1/2 and hour and it's gone.  Or I feel guilty for spending the money or something silly like that.  I'm also trying very hard to find out who I am.  I don't know who that is.  For so long I've been acting I've lost me in the process.  I had to act to avoid teasing or to be accepted.  Now, I'm falling apart, I can't keep up the act, and everyone around me is blown away.  They don't understand what I'm going through, and why I'm cracking at the seams.
So, if venting on here makes the load a little bit easier to bear, then by all means, vent away.  That's what I think almost everyone here is here for.  To let others, like us, feel at home, and comfortable expressing what we feel that's eating us up inside, that needs to be let out.  I'm not usually good at advice, but I'm a good listener .. you can unload on me anytime.
Oh and by the way, I'm a Canadian too.  I live in Northern Ontario.  Take care of yourself.  You're are certainly not in this alone.  We all have our own stories and they are just as important as everyone elses.  I think having others validate that makes a world of difference.  I hope you continue to use this forum as a way of healing yourself.  Hang in there.
Puddin' (Sharon)
Diagnosed: OCD, Anxiety/Panic Disorder, Social Phobia, Chronic Depression, Eating Disorder, Hypothyroidism, Fibromyalgia, Costochondritis, Restless Leg Syndrome, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
Current Meds: Prozac, Wellbutrin, Synthroid, Furosemide, Meloxicam, Pantoloc, Spironolactone, Clonazapam

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 10/27/2006 11:05 AM (GMT -6)   
You do have the right to your feelings and the way you feel is valid. Humans are social creatures and that means that we have emotional needs. When our emotional needs are not being met it can set up a whole bunch of responses one of which is depression. I too am married to a wonderful man who was not emotionally available. He finally realized that it was hurting him and hurting our marriage. He got help, we got help and it has changed everything. I don't know what to say about anyone else's situation, this is just what I know about mine.
Walk in harmony

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