Posted 10/31/2006 7:49 PM (GMT -7)
My opinion...for what it's worth: this does not sound like mere attention seeking. You have some real problems to deal with. And, no, you don't have to have some sort of monumental trauma in order to feel the way you do. I've dealt with major depression and suicidal thoughts for more than half my life, without any huge traumatic events to trigger them. I mean, there seem to be roots in my childhood for some of my emotional shortcomings, but it's probably chemical (which is a drag, because I can't take antidepressant medication). And I understand your need to reach out to someone...anyone. So, yes, maybe what you did was a mistake, but don't beat yourself up. Actually, let me say that again, don't beat yourself up...in any way, shape, or form (no wall punching, okay?). And I'm sure that girl doesn't hate you. She may be confused, or unable to reciprocate the emotion, or whatever, but I'm sure in time, if she's a good friend, it'll all work out. But here's the rub, Nalsa: you MUST seek help. You've got to do it. I'm glad you posted here, it's a good start. But you need to seek out help in your area, a therapist, psychologist, maybe even just start with the family doctor. But do it, and do it fast. It sounds like you've been living with these emotions and behaviors for a while. So now's the time. Take the steps you need to get help. There are some great sites on the web that can point you in the right direction. This site has a bunch of resources. Check them out...tonight if possible. And get on the ball tomorrow. It's a new month, and a new beginning maybe. Please, don't feel like a fraud, don't give up, and don't give in. And keep checking in here, let us know how you're doing.
P.S. A good thing to do is write down all your emotions (actually write them out on paper)...how long you've been feeling this way, how long you've been hurting yourself. Have there been changes in your sleeping patterns? Eating patterns? Again, look online. You'll find surveys you can take that deal with depression, and you can print them out if need-be...get it all out, anything you feel might be important to tell a doctor. But write it down and take it with you, that way when you're in the office for the first time, you won't get flustered or off track...you'll just need to pull out the list and read. Good luck.