A warning, for what it's worth.

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New Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 11/1/2006 9:39 PM (GMT -6)   
        about a year ago I was at the lowest point in my life, no personal connections, no job, no functioning family to speak of, sleeping away most of the days and watching the weeks turn into months. It got to the point where sucicide was no longer a pleasant daydream or a fleeting thought, it was a viable means to an end, an acceptable conclusion to a failed and meaningless existence. Eventually I worked up the nerve to do it, and on three different occasions I thought I was going to fall asleep for the last time. Obviously I wasn't very succesfull (which I thought was very ironic at the time) and after the third attempt, something happened. I bounced back into life, my head cleared and I was the outgoing, goofy, gregarious person I used to be. Slowly I started up a new close circle of freinds, started eating right, going to the gym regualrly and was genuinely content with where I was in life. I was 19 years old and feeling great again, I thought I beat severe depression, that I could come back from such a low point and walk away from all that happened as a better person, that I  could go back to the way I was before. I was a fool. You don't walk away from suicide attempts. They haunt you when everything goes quiet and your left with your thoughts. It changes your personality profoundly and permenantly, leaving a scar on your soul as big as any you could put on your body. It's hard to connect with people again, those who never have and hopefully never will know what it is to feel that almost sublime moment where you let go of everything, that point of no return, the deep end of the pool. That's a line once you cross there is no going back, regardless of the outcome.
 I didn't post this little story of mine to illicit pity, or try to impress people, or for comfort behind a computer screen, I wanted to write a warning: Something for those who are in the same position I was in, those up at an ungodly hour of the night thinking the same thoughts that used to run through my head. If your thinking of or even just fantising about suicide, don't. You will end up killing off a part of yourself, even if you don't take your own life.

New Member

Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 11/2/2006 1:27 AM (GMT -6)   
You're right. No doubt. There's no going back. I tried six times. Six. And I can pull up every detail in the clearest resolution at any moment of the day or night. I am haunted. And I suspect I always will. I've read a lot of literature that likens post-suicide behavior to the PTSD that vets encounter after wartime. I can't speak from a soldier's point of view, only that of a survivor. But I think it's true. And I think you're dead on: you will end up killing a part of yourself. Thank you for your candor and for the post and for the words of wisdom. Take care of yourself, Passenger, and try to cherish your new life. That's what I'm attempting to do. And for anyone reading this, who may be considering suicide, heed the words that have come before. Think twice. Think many times...


Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 11/2/2006 3:50 AM (GMT -6)   
I have thought about it. Haven't come across to many posts from people like you two. Why did you attempt it? Why did it fail? Did you think that you were going to feel peace or were you frightened by the thought of dying alone? I think I've thought about because I am in chronic physical pain, my marriage lasted only 4 months, I went through 2 major depressions (one I'm just coming out of sortof) and intense anxiety. When I thought about my plan and realized that I just would be too scared and I don't want to leave my dog or my Mom behind I just decided to LIVE. It's harder now though because I know suicide is not an option. Life is extremely difficult for me now but I believe in God and His strength to get me through this. I was just curious if it is normal to be frightened of dying or does a suicidal person usually feel peaceful about dying???

BTW, so glad that you are both with us today to share your story on Healing Well.
DX: chronic migraine, cervical degeneration, depression/anxiety 
RX: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Soma, Immitrex 
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 11/2/2006 11:22 AM (GMT -6)   
ThePassenger said...
That's a line once you cross there is no going back, regardless of the outcome.
You will end up killing off a part of yourself, even if you don't take your own life.
So true!  Thanks for posting.
Realize, too, that a sucidal gesture also affects those close to you ... there is "no going back" on many levels.

New Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 11/24/2006 9:16 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for posting Steven and/or Thirdmonster. There is some comfort in knowing there are other like me out there. Take care of yourself man.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 11/24/2006 10:58 PM (GMT -6)   
I am impressed that you have all written so openly - takes a lot of courage to do so..if you have made a difference to just 'one' persons thoughts today - as I am sure you have :) ..you have done a wonderful thing!
Take good care.
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