about a year ago I was at the lowest point in my life, no personal connections, no job, no functioning family to speak of, sleeping away most of the days and watching the weeks turn into months. It got to the point where sucicide was no longer a pleasant daydream or a fleeting thought, it was a viable means to an end, an acceptable conclusion to a failed and meaningless existence. Eventually I worked up the nerve to do it, and on three different occasions I thought I was going to fall asleep for the last time. Obviously I wasn't very succesfull (which I thought was very ironic at the time) and after the third attempt, something happened. I bounced back into life, my head cleared and I was the outgoing, goofy, gregarious person I used to be. Slowly I started up a new close circle of freinds, started eating right, going to the gym regualrly and was genuinely content with where I was in life. I was 19 years old and feeling great again, I thought I beat severe depression, that I could come back from such a low point and walk away from all that happened as a better person, that I could go back to the way I was before. I was a fool. You don't walk away from suicide attempts. They haunt you when everything goes quiet and your left with your thoughts. It changes your personality profoundly and permenantly, leaving a scar on your soul as big as any you could put on your body. It's hard to connect with people again, those who never have and hopefully never will know what it is to feel that almost sublime moment where you let go of everything, that point of no return, the deep end of the pool. That's a line once you cross there is no going back, regardless of the outcome.
I didn't post this little story of mine to illicit pity, or try to impress people, or for comfort behind a computer screen, I wanted to write a warning: Something for those who are in the same position I was in, those up at an ungodly hour of the night thinking the same thoughts that used to run through my head. If your thinking of or even just fantising about suicide, don't. You will end up killing off a part of yourself, even if you don't take your own life.