How to deal with this?

Hi, I'm new here and have a problem with my mom. She has been very depressed for some time now but it seem's to be getting worse day by day. Believe it or not it started almost 11 years ago when my dad died suddenly (he was 53). She was put on Zoloft for a little while but then came off of it. My brother moved out about a year ago so now she is by herself. She work's part time about 4 hours a day, she's 62. about 2 weeks ago she started on Wellbutrin and so far she say's it's not making her sick like all the others. She has tried a few, I guess she gets disgusted and gives up on them. She's in the "process" of finding a psycologist. She was in grief counseling in the very begining but I don't know if it helped. What scares me the most is she's down to 108lbs, and she's really not eating. I told her she's going to end up in the hospital if she keeps it up. I just don't know what to do or how to help anymore. She doesn't talk to me, but she'll talk to my husband more. He's more calm and patient. I guess that's my problem. I've been dealing with my own issues too. I've been suffering from migraines for the past 16 years and been on Topamax which seems to help and Imitrex when it doesn't. There's been alot of times through my life when you just feel like giving up, but I don't. I pull myself together and always try to think it could always be much worse. I know it's scarey for her trying to take that first step to see someone to talk to, but how do I help? What can I do before she does end up in a really bad place? I have no family except for her and my husband who is a wonderful man.
I've been reading alot on this forum for the past few days and it's seems that there are alot of great people here. To be honest, it took me a few to put up this post for some help, guess I was scared too.
Thanks for listening...
Dee

Hi Dee, Your Mom is very lucky to have a daughter who cares about her so much. It is very difficult to watch our loved ones suffer and of course you should be concerned because depression left untreated gets worse not better with time. I would suggest that you offer to help her find a psychologist. If you can, offer to go with her. It is probably difficult for someone her age to go to therapy if she has not gone before. Does she belong to a church? The larger community churches often have grief/recovery groups. If she doesn't go to the psychologist soon, perhaps you and your husband could sit down with her and gently tell her how much she means to you and that you are concerned and need her to take care of herself and then offer to help her find the resources she needs. I understand how you are feeling too. I suffer with chronic daily headaches/migraines and neck pain. However, the worry that you are feeling for your Mom could be making your condition worse. I'm glad that you posted. Let us know how things go.

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Talk2Kel 

Hi Hopefulmigrainer, thanks for your reply. Today she made the appointment with the psychologist! She goes on Wednesday. I'm really happy about that. Today was a rough day. She rescued a dog about 2 months ago and feels she's no longer able to care for this dog. We have always had a dog in the family, so this isn't the first. I felt by her getting a dog it would help and make things a little better, but it's seems to be making things worse. She feels like she can't take care of herself so how can she take care of anything else. I'm trying to tell her not to make any decisions just yet, but we'll see. The other day she called me at work crying and told me she thinks shes having a nervous breakdown. I just don't know anymore. She doesn't belong to a church or anything for that matter. She goes to work and comes home and thats it. We used to go out to eat or shopping and we don't even do that anymore.
You are right about my migraines and how I feel. Crappy. I've been taking more Imitrex which I really don't like cause it kills my stomach. I've tried all the others and they don't seem to work. I was on Elavil for years but came off of it to go on Topamax which is a help but still get migraines which I know are just from stress.
Thanks again, I guess it's just one day at a time....

Your Mom is definitely depresses and I can understand why you are concerned. My dog is a rescue and he has saved my life during my depression. However, they are a lot of work and your Mom can't even take care of herself right now. Can you help with the dog until she gets better. I'm so glad that she is seeing a psychologist. It will not be an overnight fix so encourage her to stay with it. I pray that she feels better soon. Also, get her back to the psychiatrist about her medication. If she is this severely depressed, she needs to be monitored closesly. I too take Immitrex nearly daily. I can't take the Topamax and none of the preventatives have helped. It's frightening and frustrating to live like this. Unfortunately, I have depression too and sometimes I just feel like a big loser but I no better than to talk about myself like that. 1 day at a time is the best we can do. Hang in there.

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Talk2Kel 

That was what I was hoping for with this dog. Kinda of a reason to get out of bed in the morning and go for walks and things like that, but it's going the wrong way. I really was her to keep him, but that decision is hers to make but I feel she wants me to make it for her and I can't. I really hope she likes this doctor on Wednesday.
Today was not a good day for me, I cried alot and I think that brought on a really bad migraine. So far took an Imitrex and no relief yet. Really feeling bad. It's hard not to when your own mom doesn't talk to you and say's things to you like you don't support me and you always push me into things. I feel I have done nothing but been there for her. Always asking to go to the doctor, trying to talk and I feel like this is what I get. It's starting to get me very down again too. I feel almost feel worthless. You can't really talk to any friends about this, they tell me to back off for a while because they see what it's doing to me. But how can I do that, she's my mom?

Hi Dee, I went through that with my Mom all through my 20's. The giver in the family is the one with whom much is expected and I resented the my Bros and Sister who did very little to be there for my Mom were off the hook. You are in a codependent relationship. There is a great book that I recommend. It is called "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It will validate you and help you determine the right course of action with your Mom. You must take care of YOU or there will be no you to take care of others. I did this my whole life, am 42 now and have suffered 2 major depressions in this last year due to shattered dreams and illusions. The bottom line is that you are trying to give what you can to your Mom. You are not "responsible" for how she feels but she is your Mom and you care and you can't just turn your back on her. Another suggestion is to get some counseling support for yourself. It doesn't have to black or white - help Mom or don't help Mom. Their is grey matter in there that you may not have considered and a counselor can help you. I pray for you and your Mom. Hang in there.

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Talk2Kel