Finally Reached Breaking Point

I have finally reached my breaking point. I have been suffering with severe depression for about 3 months now. I don't know what else to do. I am trying to see my new therapist weekly & have an appointment with a new psychiatrist finally scheduled for this Thursday. I am so sick of being in bed, sleeping day in & day out, eating unhealthy, crying, not being able to keep up with my daily responsibilities/our house, etc... Nothing is getting better & I am afraid of what to do next if my appointment on Thursday does not go well.

I had to train myself to take everything one step at a time. And I mean everything. Looking ahead and guessing what it would be like if something happened hurt me instead of helped me. And a lot of times what I worried about never happened which meant I got all worked up and worried for nothing.

Sorry indygirl that you are going through this. I know this will seem like an impossible endeavor but can you try to get out 1x a day and walk? Studies have proven that this helps. I know from experience that it helps. I know it's really, really hard but you can do it. If you have a dog - all the better. One day at a time and if it gets overwhelming - 1 hour at a time - and if that gets overwhelming - 1 minute at a time. Been there. Hope you feel better soon. Hang in there.

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Talk2Kel 

Thank you both for your replies. I am just so frustrated. We moved to Indy in 02/06 & so I have had a struggle trying to re-establish my docs. Also, we started trying to have a baby back in 04/06 which is partly why I tapered down & went off the 3 antidepressants (with my old Psychiatrist's supervision, of course) that I had been on for over 5 years. about a month ago, I was able to finally find a therapist. Now, I am struggling to find a Psychiatrist with knowledge & experience in working with mental illness & pregnancy. I don't want to start taking an antidepressant just to take one. I want to feel comfortable knowing that it will be somewhat safe to take before, during & after pregnancy.

I just want to get out of this rut/depression that I have been in for over 3 months now. I really cannot take it anymore.

Thanks again for your support.

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DX: Clinical Depression 12/95
Bi-Polar Disorder 10/03

RX: Stopped Antidepressants 08/06
Metformin ER (Fertility)

indygirl, I can understand how frustrating it would be to re-establish docs but with Bi-polar you must not wait to get a new psychiatrist. I'm concerned that your depression left untreated (since August) is risky. Please take care of you and make this your top priority. Your baby to be would want that for you. Take care.

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Talk2Kel 

I have not waited to get a new Psychiatrist.

I established a Psychiatrist when we first moved here & then she left the practice to go to work for a homeless organization downtown. Then, the referrals she gave me within the practice were not able to see me within 1 month. So, a staff member recommended another doctor within the practice. The first appointment with him, I left feeling worse then I felt when I got there. Here's a synopsis of what occured the second time:

Again, from the start, Dr. X was rude & condescending as he inquired about my current mental status. I informed him that for the past month I had been experiencing symptoms of severe depression. One of his first comments to me was that “in order to be happy & healthy, I need to grow up.” Then, I proceeded to disclose that I was having extreme difficulty getting out of bed daily with the exception of having to go to the bathroom & for meals. Dr. X questioned why I could not just “stay up & out of bed” since it was apparent that I was not “peeing on myself in bed.” Dr. X then said that it was “up to me to decide on a thinking level to behave better in order not to be depressed.” I questioned him as to how not being able to get out of bed could be considered “behaving” badly. As stated earlier, one of my main concerns currently is trying to get pregnant while combatting fertility issues & I stressed to Dr. X that if I did indeed need to return to taking an antidepressant that I would but that I would like a relatively safe for child birth & low dosage one would be preferred. Dr. X then suggested Paxil or Zoloft. I informed him that while doing online research, I found that both of the medications have had studies done that found a higher risk of birth defects in babies. Dr. X then questioned me as to “why I was trying to get pregnant in the first place since I could not even take care of myself .” At that point, I asked to leave the appointment entirely. I told Dr. X that I had never been so humiliated in my life or experience in seeking help with treatment for depression & bipolar disorder. He proceeded to tell me that he was being “firm” & that it was apparent that all of the therapy that I had been through in the past had obviously been “unsuccessful & had not helped or I would not be in the state that I was in today.” Dr. X then wrote a prescription & suggested that I see another physician in the practice as I exited his office. I left the practice immediately.

After I cooled off/settled myself down, then I proceeded to write a complaint letter to the practice, insurance company, state medical licensing board, as well as the state attorney general. Hopefully they will re-evaluate his status.

I have also seen 2 more psychiatrists who have also not worked out. The first was very old & I had to repeat myself over & over again & then he prescribed Symbyax. After doing some online research, the first thing that I read about it stated "not to get pregnant" & "not to take past 20 weeks of pregnancy." The second one just did not work out either. As I have stated before, after dealing with depression & bipolar for as long as I have, I will no longer settle for mediocre mental health physicians nor will I just take an antidepressant for the sake of taking one.

Tomorrow, I have an appointment with yet another psychiatrist which my new therapist has referred me to. So, we'll see.

P.S. We are trying to conceive. I am not pregnant yet.

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DX: Clinical Depression 12/95
Bi-Polar Disorder 10/03

RX: Stopped Antidepressants 08/06
Metformin ER (Fertility)

indygirl,

sorry I replied earlier but it didn't go through, maybe I didn't hit submit, anyway, I just wanted to let you know i know how you feel, I too went off my lexpapro 5 months ago to try to have a baby, only to hit a wall and fall apart about a month ago after the frustration of trying and no success and wondering if I would be able to get through a pregnancy and all that comes after, also my daughters(13) father hasn't spoken to her in a month, which I also worry about, then a friend of mine had a horrible accident, my husband is laid up for 2 months after a knee surgery and the weather is crappy and we are stuck in the house, and I really need to be around people. anyway it all led up to this. I am now back on the lexapro but been messing around with the dosage because wehn I first went back on I actually got more nervous so I cut it in half and then went up gradually back to the 10 5 days ago but still not feeling like myself, I don't even remember how to cook which I usually love to do. My husband is wonderful and my daughter needs a sibling even though she is already 13, I do not want her to grow up alone, I always dreamt of a big family just don't know if I can make it through the pregnancies and time is an issue as I am almost 36 and my daughte is just getting older I also know I need to get better first because everytime I think about it I start to get anxious again, I know how you feel trying to have what you want and having to fight a mental disorder at the same time, wish I could just be normal and happy. So you know, check with your doctor because everyone is different but there are meds that are safe when pregnant, I was starting to think I could never have a baby because I would never make it through, still not sure, but I am hopeful. take care of you and don't give up.

I am here if you ever need to talk as it sounds like we are in similar situations and by the way, I am so sorry you had such a bad experience with the counciling, that is horrible those people are suppose to be there to be a positive thing for you and they got paid for it on top of it, luckily I have found some very good ones just can't get to them as often as I need to with my daughter and it is kind of far, but there are very good ones out there you just need to find them. Also this site has a wonderful group of people on it and great monitors too so that should be a great source of therapy for you also. just know you are not alone. also do you know about the chat rooms?


scaredy

Thanks scaredycat. I really appreciate all of your insight & for sharing your situation. I'll have to check into the "chat" thing at some point, too.

Take Care.

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DX: Clinical Depression 12/95 & Bi-Polar Disorder 10/03

RX: Stopped Antidepressants 08/06 & Metformin ER 1500 mg. (Fertility)

i just wanna reply and say good luck to you.
be strong, god bless

Well, had an appointment this morning with a brand, new psychiatrist & it went really good. Oh....I am sooo relieved to have had such an uplifting appointment.

Well, he re-diagnosed me as suffering from both clinical depression & bipolar disorder. He was extremely knowledgeable, especially about antidepressants & pregnancy. I was prescribed Wellbutrin XL-150 mg. (yet again!) & Abilify-5 mg. So, we'll see how things go. I started the Wellbutrin this afternoon & will take the Abilify this evening. I am scheduled for a second appointment early December-about a month. So far, so good.

Now I just have to somehow muster the strength to begin the mile-hile "To Do" List that I have. I need to figure out how to start it without freaking out & getting too overwhelmed. I'm definitely keeping my fingers crossed.

Thanks again for everyone's support.

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DX: Clinical Depression-12/95 & Bi-Polar Disorder-10/03

RX: Wellbutrin XL-150 mg. & Abilify-5 mg.-11/06
Metformin ER 1500 mg. (Fertility)-04/06

All the best.

not trying to sound mean but i think you need to  get you straightened out before you add a baby. i had really AWFUL postpartum depression.. that lasted 2 1/2 years please help yourself first and foremost so you can be the best mommie you can be for / to your future children. dont worry about getting pregnant now. worry about making you an emotionally strong person ok