Hi Monika, I'm so sorry that you are going through so much. I do understand. I have been there and am still stuggling with those thoughts myself. You can get through this - one day at a time - one hour at a time - one minute at a time. You must stay in close contact with your doctors, stay on your meds and please don't be afraid to tell people what you are feeling and thinking. I confessed to my friends and people at my church the shameful thoughts I was having. I thought "only a loser thinks these thoughts" but you know what? So many people told me that they at some point in their life went through depression and had those thoughts. You are not alone. You are simply human. If you didn't care you wouldn't be suffering from the losses. You are going to be okay. Keep posting on here. Let us know how you are doing. Don't isolate yourself and remember WHAT YOU CAN FEEL, YOU CAN HEAL. Your life is worth a lot. If you are inclined, recite this..."God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."
Hang in there and God bless you.