smile- I posted a note to you yesterday but it never got posted for some reason-I was again talking about my big guy and where I had found him and that YES indeed-dog spelled backwards spells God. I'll tell the story again.
He found me at work. He was hanging around, lieing on the cold cement in the middle of june. He was starving and weak. The guys called the dog catcher- but when the dog catcher came he dissappeared-when the catcher left, he reappeared. Thats when my inner voice said, 'hey wait a minute- hes here for me". This call is for me. At one point I went to drive the company vehicle around the side of the building and this dog stood up right in front of the van and stared at me over the hood. Contact. I had no choice but to look into those big soulfull suffering eyes and I knew he was going home with me.
If I had a magic wand and waved it at Sampson, there is no doubt in my mind he would turn into the biggest, most handsomest man in all the world, with the deepest understanding of suffering and pain. Oh for magic wands and fairy tales. You see, I had been praying for a handsome man with good manners- but I wasnt specific enough I guess- I forgot to mention the word 'human'. And I believe its another lesson in you dont always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need.
I started out okay this morning and went steadily down hill. You see, my suicide attempt did not just include me. I am sorry to say, at that moment in my dark and twisted way of thinking, I could not bear to leave my child here, alone, to deal with lifes b.s. all by herself. At that point I saw no choice but to take her with me. I was going to kill us both. I scared her really bad...and she has a bad time being here at times. She doesnt trust me now, and she is quiet and withdrawn. This is horrible..I really screwed up. She has dealt with so much already at the tender age of 16..yet we have no family support to speak of who can help. She has no where else to go and refuses to go into care. She says she'll run away if I make her do that. All I can do is step up to the plate and be a bigger and better person at this point.
So, yes I am going to do this new venture. I like old folks. I used to have my own cleaning business years ago and most of my clients were elderly. I'de get to their houses only to find them immaculate and all the old dolls wanted was a chat. Smile. Of course I'de talk with them- at the time I was alone too and dealing with the same old demon- the gay ex. Only then we were still pretending, and my little girl was blissfully ignorant with no knowledge of our problems at all. She was hiding in her beanny babies, making book marks and selling them for a quarter door to door in our neighbourhood and taking sewwing lessons. How I miss that little girl.
I hope your Samson is okay. Sounds like you did the right thing taking him to a different vet. If something doesnt feel right..it generally isnt. Always listen to your gut feelings.
I know if I lost my Sampson right now I'de be lost- hes my life line. My girl is to...but have had to step back from that for obvious reasons.
I wish I could afford to take a rest, to focus on me and my problems and come to a conclusion. I know I shouldnt be working right now and at times should probably be in a hospital. Things get so hard sometimes I feel like my feet are stuck in mud. I forget to eat, cant sleep and am on the brink of tears a lot.
But, my dear, it is wonderful to have you here to talk to. I cant believe my luck. Well, luck has nothing to do with it really. God gives us what we need.
Is this as good as it gets...?