hello hopefulmigrainer & jordaNzone,
Yes, I am seeing a psychologist. I go again on thurs afternoon. My girl went to my first session with me which was last week. Hopefulmigrainer I cant find your e-mail addy. Am I looking in the wrong place?
The thing that bothers me about the psychologist is he puts a clock on the counter when we start, and I pay 50$ an hour that I can ill afford. It just seems...impersonal.
I was on lithium years ago. It made me the dead thing walking- no feeling at all. I watched my daughter try paxil and effexor-both of which gave her panic and anxiety attacks so I am not real anxious to go there at all.
I understand her not trusting me..I wouldn't either after that. She had to take control of the situation..get the knife out of my hand and get me into bed where she held me till I cried myself to sleep. I couldnt believe I was doing it while I was doing it. The very next day I got up and found a psychologist and got on it. I knew if I didnt we were done.
In Canada our social programs suck at the best of times. I live in the province of Alberta- which is not known for treating mental health patients with a lot of kindness. You have to be nearly dead with a disease to get on A.I.S.H. and even then they only pay about 700/mnth- I'de lose my house. Then try and find a place to rent that takes animals..good luck with that. I looked. No one wants pets in rentals anymore. Sampson needs a yard.
This is an up and down thing with me...yes its manic depression, brought on by years of unhealthy situations.
My mother wasnt much help when I was young. She hated me and always told me 'I knew when you were born you'de be my cross to bare'. She and my father were chronic alcoholics so the three of us kids grew up in the flight or fight syndrom. My sister is on the streets of Vancouver somewhere( havent seen her or my mother for 14 years) and my brother committed suicide in 1985. I said goodbye to my dad last January...I couldnt handle him anymore.
It was never a dull moment at our house, with the added problem of my mom constantly trying to come up with a fool proof plan to kill my dad. All of us kids were counseled by her to do this. Its how we grew up- she wanted the insurance money and him gone. I wound up on the streets of Edmonton by the age of 15 on intravenous drugs and little chance of survival. I licked that problem at age 20 and havent looked back or relapsed. I have been married twice now and each one was a horror story. My 1st husband sodomized my eldest boy who is now 22- but you see what I am saying here- if its never been calm and normal EVER then how does one get calm and normal? I believe its conditioning from the get go to be like this.
My psychologist summed it up nicley: so, youre one of these people that keeps there nose to the grind stone till you grind your nose off-
There are no visual crisis happening right now. My bills are paid. I have a car and a house. To all looking from the outside it looks like I must have a wonderful life. Truth be told I havent got a clue how to live. In a crisis situation I am at my best. My hero comes out and saves the day.
I do have my triggers. A raised voice, a car door slammed really hard or crowds of people will usually send me into panic mode. My heart pounds and I cant breath. I usually just close my eyes and concentrate on my breathing and it passes...but it leaves me feeling sad and that all is pointless. The guys at work have learned the hard way not to slam the van door. I handle them sternly- almost in an army fashion. I gotta watch that. Polite but testy at the same time.
I have been using my own visualisation- God has me in the palm of his hand and I am curled up resting-sometimes I see me and my 3 kids with me-I have 2 boys and my girl-both boys are on their own. Theres a lot of guilt here. So many ifs, and I wishes-but tomorrow is another day-
I say the lords prayer every day, sometimes I say it all day- along with the serenity prayer it helps. Going to church is a whole other issue. I just cant. Thats a whole other posting...lol..
I am so glad to have found this sight- tears hugs and smiles for all and a big thankyou.
Is this as good as it gets...?