Posted 11/28/2006 5:12 AM (GMT -7)
Hmm... well it's 4am and I'm up because I can't sleep. I keep asking myself how I got here, but I don't want to be one of those people everyone hates because they are always complaining about how bad their life is. Nevertheless, I feel I have to vent somewhere.
I know everyone always says this, but I never thought this is where I would be and how my life would turn out. I had high goals for myself, and knew exactly what I wanted. I was excited and ready to get those goals. They always tell you when you are a child that you can have and be whatever you want when you grow up. They forget to tell you to read the fine print at the bottom of the page. Naively, we believe them when they tell us this, and are in for a huge dissapointment when life doesn't deliver.
I have been in graduate school for the past four years. I have a great guy who I love very much, and I couldn't wait to graduate and start helping people (I was a social work major). I was debt free, and my life was going great. I knew I wanted to get married and have kids after I graduated. I didn't know that everything I always wanted was not going to happen for me.
A few months into grad school, my car got stolen. I was having lunch at Bennigan's, and when I came out, my car was gone. They found it a few days later, but it had been trashed. We tried to clean it up as best we could, but it always had problems after that. It had been a good car prior to being stolen, but after I got it back, it broke down constantly. This resulted in huge car repair bills, which ran up my credit cards because I am a college student, and that was the only way I could pay for the $1000 plus repairs every couple of months. I had money saved for my school tuition, but had to go through that to pay for the car repairs. It was breaking down almost every month. The person who stole my car was let off because he told the police he had rented the car from someone on the side of the road. It was so unfair. I had to drop out of school for the semester because my car would break down and I would have to miss class, and they had an attendance policy and I missed too many days.
I eventually had to just buy a new car. I didn't have the money to buy a brand new car, so my mom helped me out and I bought a used car. It was a great car, and didn't give me any problems. I got back into school, and life seemed to be getting better. I had to take out loans to pay for school since I had used my money. I was back in school, but had racked up a $25,000 debt with my credit cards and student loans. I was working, but all of my money had to go to pay the minimum balance on my credit cards. I kept telling myself it was okay, because once I graduated I would get a better job, and would be able to pay off the debt.
Last New Year's, we were sleeping inside the house when we were woken up by a loud crash. When I looked out the window, my car which had been parked outside my house, was gone. Someone had crashed their car into my car and then drove off. They had hit my car so hard, it was pushed from my driveway into my neighbor's front yard, and missed going into their house by inches. We called the police who came out and discovered that whoever had hit my car had left an oil trail. They followed the oil trail and found the person had hid their car in a friend's garage a couple of streets over. The person who hit my car did not have insurance, and claimed they had left the scene because they were "scared". (It was a 30 year old man too). The police did not check to see if he had been drinking, and did not even issue him a ticket. Because he did not have insurance, I was going to have to pay for it all myself, even though I had done nothing wrong and wasn't even driving the car when it was hit. His car had barely a scratch on it, and he was able to drive it away. The insurance company deemed my car a total loss. Once again, my mom had to help me out with another car. We didn't have much money this time because she had just helped me with the other car less than a year before that. I was able to buy another used car, but this one breaks down frequently (though not as much as the first one) and I am once again, running up car repair bills on my credit cards.
Soon after this, my boyfriend proposed. I was so excited, and we really needed something happy like that. I had always thought my wedding would be so special. My boyfriend has had some problems in the past with my family, and there is constant friction between them. As a result, my family was not happy at all when I got engaged. No one said congrats, no one even welcomed him into the family. I was so hurt by how they acted. As a result, no one would help us with the wedding planning. My maid of honor would not go anywhere with me to look at dresses or help with planning, and my mom wouldn't even speak about the wedding. I never thought my engagement and wedding would turn out like that. I always thought my family would be happy for me and it would be a fun and exciting time. I had no family support at all, and some people were even mad at me for getting engaged. I am in my late 20's, and have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I was about to graduate with my Master's degree, and I felt there was nothing wrong with our engagement. But, as I mentioned, my family has never been accepting of my boyfriend, so they were not happy when he proposed.
My fiancee and I decided to just have a small simple wedding since we are both in school, and could not afford a normal wedding. We were making plans to move in, and he had bought a house for us. It seemed life was going okay and everything was back on track. We have both desperately wanted a baby. He is already in his 30's, and as I mentioned, I am in my late 20's. We felt it was the right time since I was less than two months from graduating, we were engaged, and now we had a house. He had a good paying job, and we both really wanted a child. We tried and tried, but could not get pregnant. It was so dissapointing. As more of our friends had babies, we could not.
Then, my fiancee lost his job. He had been a great employee, but they said they were downsizing, and didn't renew his contract. Just like that, he was out of work. He tried to find another job, and went on interviews, but couldn't get anything. As a result, we lost our house because we couldn't afford it. He had to move back in with his parents, because he could not find a job. In less than a month, our hopes for a house and a baby, and moving in were gone.
To make it worse, both of my cousins got engaged around this time. The family was so happy for them, which hurt so much. They were so excited for my cousins and made it a big deal. Now, both of them are planning their weddings, and I have to sit by and watch. I am a bridesmaid in their weddings, which makes it really hard because I have to be there when they are trying on dresses and ordering things for the wedding. It hurts so badly because that is what I wanted, but no one was excited or would help with my wedding. The family is all excited about their weddings and making plans. With my fiancee out of work, we can't plan anything. Then another cousin who got married last year, just found out she is pregnant. So, I am having to go look at baby clothes and go do all the "baby stuff", when I could not get pregnant. It has been so hard for me.
The last bit of hope I had was that I was about to graduate with my Master's in Social Work. Throughout everything that has happened, that has been what has kept me going. I was so excited about my future as a social worker and had big dreams. I knew I wanted to work with HIV/AIDS patients, and I couldn't wait to graduate. I kept telling myself that even though I wasn't married or planning a wedding, that I had that to look forward to. I had planned on graduating next month, getting a job i really loved, and then finally being able to pay off my credit card debt because I would be making better money. Plus, I would be able to afford a place for my fiancee and I to move into, and we could get married and finally start our life.
However, in order to be a social worker you have to pass a state liscensing exam. If you do not pass the exam, then legally you cannot call yourself a social worker, and it makes it almost impossible to get a job, because everyone wants you to have that liscense. The test is extremely difficult, and I have heard of several people that have failed it multiple times. I was certain this was not going to happen to me. I fully prepared for this exam, and did whatever I needed to be ready. I took an exam prep class, bought study guides, and spent 3-4 hours everyday studying for the exam. I felt so ready, and was getting great scores on the practice tests I was taking. Yesterday I took my exam, and I failed it by 2 points. 2 points!!!!!!!!!!!! I could barely believe it when my score popped up on the screen. 2 points!!! That is basically one question. If I had answered just one question differently I might have passed. The exam itself was awful. Nothing in my study guides was on the exam. Nothing they taught us in my exam prep class was on the exam. The entire thing consisted of material I had never heard of before. In fact, at one point during the exam I actually asked the test proctor if I had the right exam! It was a nightmare. The state has different versions of the exam, and some are harder than others. The exam you get is randomly assigned, so I guess I got one of the harder versions. It was so dissapointing. All of that work for nothing.
What's worse, is that state law says you cannot retake the exam for four months after you fail it. So here I am about to graduate in two weeks, and I am basically un-employable. I cannot get a job as a social worker. That dream of actually getting to start work as a social worker was the one thing that had kept me going during all the hard times. Now it is gone. I can't even call myself a social worker after I graduate, because state law says you cannot identify yourself as a social worker to other people until you have passed your liscensure exam, or they can legally bring charges against you. So, I'm about to graduate with a Master's degree in social work, and not only is the degree basically a worthless sheet of paper because I can't do anything with it, but I can't even enjoy the reality of finally being a social worker, because I'm not one. I have a lot of friends in the social work program with me graduating next month, and they all passed their exam, and are so excited. They are now looking for jobs and getting their actual liscense. That is so hard to once again, watch someone else getting to live your dream. Now, my fiancee and I really can't move in together because I will have to remain at my "student" job until I can take the test again in April. No paying off credit card bills, no moving out, no getting married, nothing....
I came home after the exam yesterday, and just sat in my car and cried. I didn't even go inside the house. I have always been an excellent student. I have always gotten A's in my classes, and have never failed an exam. It felt like all of my dreams and what I had always wanted for my life were gone. I thought I would be happily married, have kids, be a social worker and really help people. None of that happened for me. Instead, I have to watch it happen to other people. I am so upset, all I have done is cry. I feel like I let my fiancee down. We were counting on my getting a job to help us, and I let him down. I can't get a job now. I'm sure I could get an office job or something, but that feels like such a slap in the face because I wanted to really help people and be a social worker. And all because of 2 measly points....... 1 question!!!!!!!!!!!!
Honestly, I thought about killing myself yesterday when I got home. I realise how melodramatic that sounds, but that was the first thought that came to my mind. I feel like such a failure. I can't get married, can't have a baby, can't support my fiancee and I, and now can't even do the dream job I always wanted. It makes it so hard that I have to sit by and watch my friends getting married, having babies, passing their exam, and getting great jobs. I am happy for them, but inside I feel like my stomach is being ripped out. I really felt like my life was about to change and finally get better. I'm so hurt right now. The only thing that kept me from killing myself was that I would not want to place that hurt on my family and fiancee. It just feels like I held out for nothing. My dream of being a social worker was what had kept me going. Now life has ripped that from me as well.
Sorry to make the post so long, I just am so low right now. I tried talking about it with my family and fiancee, but I felt like I was irritating them and they really did not understand why I was so upset. I don't think they understand how it important it was for me to pass this exam. I don't think they understood how badly I wanted to pass and start helping people. I think to them, it was just another exam that I can retake later. They don't understand how much this hurts. I feel like such a failure, and so stupid. They tell me I'm not stupid and not to say things like that, but if I wasn't then I would have gotten those 2 points and passed. They tell me that I have a 4.0 and am about to graduate with my Master's, but I can't help how I feel right now. I feel like a worthless failure. I haven't even told my friends I failed the exam yet. I'm too embarressed to, since they all passed. I'm thinking about telling them that I had car trouble or something and wasn't able to take the exam, so I have to reschedule. At least that way I won't look stupid to them. I just feel like I've done all this work for nothing. I studied hard like I was supposed to, and it didn't work out for me. I'm so down. I don't even want to see anyone. I cancelled plans with my friends this weekend. I just couldn't hang out with them right now. They are going to want to know how my exam went, and I don't think I could handle that right now without breaking down.
Sorry to talk so long, I just really needed to vent. I guess talking to a computer screen helps in a small way......