I could use some advice from some medical professionals, if there are any out there.
I am going through a bad bout of depression, and I feel like it's getting worse. I'm not sure why. I am recently engaged to a wonderful man that treats me very well. We recently bought a house together, and I have a kitten I adore. I have a good job working for an architecture and engineering firm, and my boss likes me. I have good chances of moving up in the company. Sometimes I work a lot -- 60, even 70 hours a week -- but I'm only 28 and that shouldn't be a problem. Money is a little tighter than I'm comfortable with, but we're getting by ok.
Despite all that, every day it just gets harder and harder to get out of bed. My doctor switched me from Effexor to Cymbalta, which has worked pretty well for me for the last 6 months. She switched me because I have gained about 35 pounds this year, which is definitely one thing causing me to be depressed (and also contributing to the financial issues -- do you have any idea how expensive it is to buy a whole new business wardrobe every time you go up 2, 4, 6 sizes???) I haven't got the slightest idea what's causing the weight gain, and neither does my doctor. (I've seen her once a month for the last 9 months to try to figure out what's going on, but she hasn't figured it out or helped me lose any weight.) I watch my diet carefully and log everything I eat. I exercise regularly, using the eliptical at home, taking yoga, participating in a competitive volleyball group, etc. I'm clinically obese, and my reflection in the mirror devastates me. I'm consumed with self-loathing.
The last few weeks I've been sleeping a lot, napping 3 hours when I come home from work, zoning out in front of the tv, then going to bed early. Everything just seems overwhelming to me, from going to work to fearing all the housework that needs to be done. Forget doing anything fun for myself or planning a wedding....no way. That's overwhelming to the utmost! Concentrating is very difficult for me, and I zone out a lot. This is affecting my work and productivity, as well as my relationships with my coworkers, my fiance, and friends. I worry that if I up my medication more, that it's going to either cause me to gain more weight (which makes me more depressed....a nasty cycle) or it will make me even more of a space cadet and seriously affect my work.
As far as the suicidal thoughts go -- Yes, I have them....every day, in fact. However, I don't know if this is usual because I have had these thoughts for as long as I can remember....middle school and even younger. They have always been there, lurking in the background. They seem stronger and more insistent and harder to ignore, and I have to admit it kind of has me freaked out. I suppose those are the biggest reason why I'm writing this right now.
Can anyone offer any advice? What the heck is going on with me, and will it ever stop? What steps can I take to help myself? I feel like I'm on a very scary downward spiral and I'm afraid of crashing hard. I really don't know what to do.