Posted 12/18/2006 7:51 PM (GMT -6)
Hey there -
I know that there are some people out there who have been struggling with their depression for years like myself. I'm wondering what it is that keeps them going day after day? I've been going in a downhill spiral for awhile, and I'm getting to the point where I don't feel like coping anymore. I'm 34 now, and I've bottomed out a couple of times in my life, once when I was 20, the last time was about 6 years ago, when the absolute worst relationship I could ever have ended. Since then I've used the FEAR (**** everything and run) to keep myself away from people, all the while craving some human companionship. I do have a couple of friends and a very supportive family, but since I'm using FEAR, I keep moving, which allows me to stay away from people. My nearest friends are in Oregon, and I'm in Wyoming. During the summer months, I keep myself distracted by backpacking, hiking, and doing outdoor stuff, solo of course. During the winter I've hibernated in the past. Hibernating is much easier when you live in a large city. This year I don't have that luxury, and so I've taken up skiing, which I do find enjoyable.
My last move landed me in a small town, working at a place where there only 4 other people working there. Personality counts a lot, and mine isn't cutting it. My bosses are being kind enough to me to allow me to find another job without firing me, but they've made it clear to me that I'm on a short leash, and also started the paper trail to justify terminating my employment. I'd be screwed if that happened. I'm looking for work elsewhere, but I now realize that I can't work in small places, because happy outgoing people do better in small places, not quiet, anti-social people. I try so hard to play the happy role, but apparently I'm not as good of an actor as I thought. So that cuts down my options.
For years I've been telling myself that something will change. Occassionally I make a connection with another person, but they are few and far between. It's like I'm wearing a "STAY AWAY!" sign on me. I'm getting to the point where I'm thinking that something won't change. On top of all that, I was recently diagnosed with an illness that seriously curtails my diet, which even furthers my lack of connections with others.
So again I ask, what do others do to keep themselves going? I admire the strength of others, at the same time that I wonder what drives them. For the last few years I've been telling myself that it is not a matter of IF I suicide, but a matter of WHEN I suicide. I'm not in danger right now, because I've taken the proactive measures of getting a new psych to get me on some different meds, and I'm going to try counseling again. I'm hopeful that something will change, but of course when I find a new job, I'll have to move again. The cycle continues.
So what do you do to keep going? What helped and what didn't? What words of wisdom do you have for someone who is going down in flames?