Hi, I'm extremely sad today, so I went online to seek information about
depression and anxiety. 14 years ago I was admitted to a psykiatric hospital and diagnosed with "a nervous breakdown". Since then I have suffered from depressions - mainly because my whole life has been about
pleasing others and dilemmas between doing what I REALLY wanted and what I thought other people would want me to do. about
15 years ago I tried to commit suicide, but I didn't succeed, and about
16-17 years ago I think I was rape... and I never told anyone, not even the VERY skilled and nice therapist I'm seeing now. I think the reason why I never told anyone is the fact that I was very drunk, and I don't remember if I hit on him first... and I am still ashamed.
Today, have been the worst day, I can remember. For two weeks I've had sleeping disorder and panic attacks. The panic attacks scared me so much. I am afraid of changes... I vomit whenever I have to leave my apartment. Sometimes, when there is too many people around me, I can't breath and my heart i beating very fast. I cry everytime I'm alone. And I feel SO lonely - even around good friends - because I can't open up and I don't want to trouble them with my problems. My parents are very nice - and I love them, but they make it worse, when I try to open up to them...
I am divorced with to twin boys, and they are the only ones that can put a smile on my face and a laughter in my heart.
Today, I fell I'm facing the worst dilemma ever. On one hand I want to find peace. I want to sleep and never come back, but the thought of hurting my kids holds me back. And holding me back hurts, because then it feels like it will never end.
"Normally", I'm an outgoing person, and I talk to everybody, so it frightens me that I'm getting all these panic attacks.
I'm very gratefull that you took the time to read this, and maybe you can answer my question:
AM I LOSING IT?