Hi SB, Welcome to Healing Well forum, we are happy to have you join us here and know how hard it is to first post. I can’t relate to rape as you have described but I was sexually abused by my stepfather for many years as a small child. I can understand the holding your feelings inside and self blame very well. I think the hardest part is coming to realize that it was NOT your fault and you did not in any way shape or form did anything to deserve this or cause it.
You’re on the right path with seeing a therapist its hard I know. Even harder trying to make sure that you do open up and discuss all the issues that you need to discuss no matter how difficult it may be. This is really the only way to get it out and try heal from it. Perhaps your therapist can recommend a Psychiatrist that you can see who can assess you regarding these panic attacks and sleeping problems. There are many medications that can help if you are open to this.
Healing doesn’t come easily, I was 11 year old when my abuse stopped, I am 33 now and I do still have problems and most likely always will (panic attacks, depression, PTSD) but I do go to counseling and see a Psychiatrist and take medication to help with this. Some days are harder then others but know that it will get better. You have two son’s that need you in more ways than just physically, they need a mentally healthy mom so they can grow up in a positive environment. I hope that through counseling you will be able to resolve this in your mind and heart and be able to live without these demons in your head.
I am going to leave you a few links just incase you feel you may need them. You can save them to your computer if you want or they will be here if you on this thread for you. I hope you won’t need them. Please do keep posting here, everyone is so very supportive and kind I am sure you will find many who have been through the same thing and can offer advice. We are always here for you. Take care…