I feel myself sliding. I am travelling the road towards despair again and the path is so worn out now the ride is getting bumpier. For the last few months I thought it was getting better, I am kidding myself. I hear people talk of the beauty in life, in the strangers gesture that makes their day all the better, but I don’t see it, I don’t hear it. Why can’t I open my eyes to the world? I just see the bad in everything, I can’t trust anyone. Metaphorically I am finding it hard to breath.
I feel that I am going backwards mentally. I seem to be spending my time thinking of what was, what could have been and all the bad unforgivable things that have happened to me. I was homeless as a teen, I was raped by three men over days, I can’t have children, I can’t get on with my family know matter how hard I try. I thought I was though it all with my head held high. But the truth is I am so desperately lonely, I feel so isolated, I can’t seem to make friends because I can’t trust and I don’t help myself by putting myself in situations that would allow me to make friends. People would never know the state I am in - I work, I have a good marriage, although I can’t burden my husband with how I feel, I have money in the bank – although not much, I have a nice car. Materialistically I am fine. It is the rest of me that is not – the important bit. Last year in the summer I became pretty much suicidal. Am I travelling that road again? I sincerely hope not. It is not the answer to anything. Deep down I think I know life can be beautiful if I let it. But I just don’t know how to do it. I am withdrawing and I am frightened.
I just don’t know what to do next. I know that this isn't how I want life to be, but I just seem to be unable to put myself first.