Hang in there. It's tough when the memories come flooding back and you've just been through Christmas which is a difficult time for you to begin with. It probably helps dig them up, even as hard as you try not to. I know how it is. I thought many of my demons were behind me and then my friend dug them all up again with her accusation over my behaviour
at her wedding five years ago and I am still trying to get them under control again. And people don't understand. My parents want me to be in the office by 9. Starting Monday I have to be up by 6:30/7:00 to get my son on his van and my daughter to daycare. Then I go to work. Then I have to be at the daycare by 5:30-5:45 to pick up the kids and its home to make dinner, play, finish up homework, bedtime. And I still have to find time to clean and do laundry and such so that we aren't walking around naked. I'm overcome. I don't know what to do. I've been down this path before too. I turn to my parents for help, and they say why can't your husband do it? Why? Good question. Because there's always some excuse. And he's as stubborn as a mule over his excuses. And it means the few moments I have with him, we're argueing. So I understand how memories and old hurts can haunt our present lives.
Two weeks after I was married, my husband said to me "Y'know if you'd raised Karl (my son) better up til this point, we wouldn't have these problems now". And that line still stings like he said it yesterday. Just thinking about
it can bring me to tears. And it was 8 years ago. We've come a long way from that statement but it epitomized my guilt of the two years I lived with my parents raising my son by myself, fighting through postpartum depression, living in small quarters, and making a lot of first time mom mistakes, which were all the more accentuated by my youth and depression. And here my husband is back to working shift work again. Never being around. And when he is around, he tends to make things worse. I have to make concessions to make my life work and he may not like some of those concessions, but I have to do it for my sanity. Pick your battles as they say. I try.
Anyways, I've gotten off on a rant. Didn't mean to. Some of this I put in my e-mail to you the other day anyways. But I want you to know that you can send me rants too. I may not be a rape victim, well that's not entirely true either. My son wouldn't be here today if it weren't for a sperm donor who couldn't control his desires. There were condoms two feet away. He didn't ask. He just did. And I panicked and froze. And here I am today with a ten year old going for a psychiatric assessment next month. And I wonder if he wouldn't have been better off if I'd given him up for adoption. Anyways, that
opens a whole other can of worms. Carrying negative memories like we do, is such a burden. Of course it's going to affect us adversely. And negative memories are like cancerous tumours in our brains. Unfortunately, they are harder to remove. But they affect us and infect us just as incidiously. Somehow we have to learn to live with them. And it's easier said then done, especially when we go through something that brings them all back. For you Christmas is that time. So hang in there. Talk to your doctor, your husband and see if they can offer you any recommendations or help. I haven't figured it out so I can't be of much assistance there. Just know that someone out there is thinking of you and hoping the best for you.
Take care, Trish.
It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....