Our moms are so much alike. Just wondering, how old are you? I'm 41, and have been divorced for five years. I live in a two bedroom townhouse by myself with my three cats, but my parents only live about a mile away, which at least gives me a little break.
My depression is really bad most of the time, but I don't show the major symptoms. I don't lie in bed all day because I can't sleep in my bed. I have major back problems and have to sleep in a recliner. I'm more of a night owl, because I don't like to sleep. When I sleep, I have bad nightmares, so I either wake up really depressed or sometimes even with a migraine. I am officially Disabled, so my activities are limited by my chronic pain.
I've kind of regressed back to 21, when I did wild and wacky things, and was mostly carefree. I got a spikey punk haircut and dyed it magenta. My mom is contantly on me to let it grow out and dye it back to its natural dark brown. I got both of the cartiledges at the tops of my ears pierced, and got my eyebrow re-pierced. My parents were not happy. They threatened to disown me if I got a tatoo.
I wear black t-shirts with sayings on them all the time, lots of spikes, handcuff and skull earrings, and lots of black leather. Needless to say, they don't like the look. I just got a bunch of Buffy the Vampire stuff, both clothes and other collectibles. It's my absolute Favorite Show of all time. They still air episodes on FX at 6 or 7am. They are not pleased with my appearance, but since I don't have anyone to impress, I dress the way I feel comfortable.
Nothing in my life turned out the way I wanted it to be. I never expected to be alone with no husband, no children, no house of my own. My future doesn't look very bright for me. Because my health problems are chronic, I will probably disabled for life. I'll never be able to have a career that I enjoy, no family, a very limited income, and a never-ending string of doctor appointments and surgeries. My shortterm memory was permanently affected by a drug my doctor had me on at way too high a dosage. My movitation to do things is about nil, and I have no friends anymore to hang out with or talk to. The few I had when I moved back to town have totally blown me off. It's very lonely.
I live in this dark black hole, but it doesn't show on the surface. I have a very sarcastic wit, and most people see on the outside. If someone asked me how I'm doing, my regular response is "Rotten, but thanks for asking." They usually gets a laugh, but I'm really telling the truth. My parents want me to join a support group, but who wants to sit around talking to a bunch of depressed people. Once I had to go to a group therapy session, when my psychologist decided I needed to stay overnight in the hospital. I was stuck with a bunch of crazy people acting like they should be on the Jerry Springer show. A total waste of time. I've been in counseling for several years, but the only thing I get out of it is I get to vent to an unbiased person. They've never actually given me any worthwhile advise. I guess that's why my posts get so long and windy.
Going to shut up for now. I've got a big financial talk hanging over my head, which my parents keep alluding to. They are making me crazy, not dangling it over my head. I wish they would just say what they mean. I don't make enough on disability to cover my monthly expenses, especially with medical/dental costs, and they are really hyper about how much credit card debt I've got. They knew I was running short every month, but didn't make any set arrangements to augment my checking account for over two years. Hence, why I put so much stuff on credit cards. I've been indulging in a lot of on-line retail thereapy, and I've got a ton of credit cards with big balances. I've got to do some juggling before I talk to them, and figure out what I can leave out of the conversation. Wish me luck.
Let me know how you are doing,
"The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful."
- Jimmy Buffett