Posted 1/8/2007 6:08 AM (GMT -7)
Teya, I am so glad you found people's responses comforting and empowering. It's amazing what can be gained by expressing your feelings and having people validate them and empathize with you. For three years I have been seeing a good psychologist, finally, and having the freedom to finally express my feelings after a lifetime of quelling them, and having somebody who genuinely cares about them and me, has made the world of difference to me. For years I wouldn't go near a doctor because of sexual abuse I experienced as a child and as an adult, but in December I went in and had major surgery, stayed for 5 days, had to get re-admitted, and I survived it!!!!!! I'm not saying this is all one needs to battle depression, but I do believe it is a major requirement for healing. Meds alone just don't do it. After 17 years on meds, I am actually not on any for depression anymore. That won't be the case for everyone, and I may have to go back on one day, but let this be my testimony that no matter where you get it, seek out understanding and caring people because they are as vital as medication in the treatment of depression.
MaggieO, I never had reasons for being depressed. That is the insidious part of depression. You don't need a reason. However, when I began talking to a therapist, I began to discover I had all kinds of reasons to be depressed---they were just hidden from me in my subconscious, and depression was my subconscious mind's way of saying "Hey, there are things troubling me and I'm tired of you ignoring me and sweeping my feelings and issues under the carpet, so I will tug on you with this depression until you pay attention to me and help me resolve what is troubling me". I am amazed now at what lies in my subconscious mind and how unaware I was, how I thought I had resolved all that stuff or gotten over all those losses or recovered from all that trauma. Truth is I just tucked it all away and it ate at me until I paid it notice, gave it expression, and validated it.
I think depression is a combination of biological and psychological factors, and to only pay attention to one aspect is an injustice to it and will not heal it. Even if you don't have a therapist, I have found that writing or just talking to a friend gave considerable expression to my subconscious mind and helped me integrate those lost parts of me into my whole being where I could deal with them and acknowledge them.
Now this may not hold true for you. You may not have issues bubbling away in there. Whether you do or not, that is the nature of depression, and having a reason or not having a reason does not make it feel better. I would suggest though that you do some talking or some writing and just make sure there is nothing hidden in your subconscious mind troubling you that you are not aware of right now. If there is nothing, well you have lost nothing in the search, and you know that your depression is needing other treatments. Meds are the obvious ones, but I also find great solace in doing comforting things like listening to music, walking, playing with the dog, cuddling the cat, or whatever suits your particular interests in this case would certainly not hurt you. Who knows, it may even make the world of difference.
I write this to encourage you to talk or write, free associate, and just make sure there is no reason for your depression. You have nothing to lose my doing so except a lot of excess baggage.
I can feel your despair as I read your short post. Your few words tell me you are at your wit's end and wondering why the hell you feel so lousy. It's not fair; that's the thing about depression. It is not fair. So be really kind to yourself, make sure nothing lurks in your subconscious that you are not aware of that could be making you feel worse, and engage in any activity that brings you the slightest solace. You might not feel like it, but afterward you will be grateful.
I find walking very relaxing especially when I put on some favorite tunes. It gets the endorphins going too which are natural antidepressants.
Sounds like you're feeling at the bottom. Hope you can take a few strokes up and join us here and do some more sharing and talking. I am glad you at least reached out enough to say the few words you did. They spoke volumes to us. Please continue to stay connected to us. We care about how you are feeling.
And there came a time when the risk it took
to stay tight inside the bud
was more painful than the risk it took to blossom