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New Member

Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 1/8/2007 10:31 AM (GMT -6)   
I don't like this.  I am new to depression...Or at least, new to the diagnosis of it. And I really really hate it.  I just feel like I am not going anywhere with my life.  I'm a senior in highschool, and I just got denied from my 1st choice college... And now I'm starting to wonder if I'll even get into any of the other 2 colleges I applied to.  It's just so much to handle right now. 
I hate myself so much...  And I wish I didn't, but I do.  I am not talented, I have nothing going for me.  Every man [or boy, I should say] that I have ever loved, or even liked, has screwed me over.  And I just constantly feel like I am not enough. For anything. Not even for life! Which is a new feeling for me.  I used to NEVER think about suicide, or even fantasize about death.  But I have been thinking about it and I don't enjoy it, to say the least...
I used to take pain killers before I was diagnosed to "self-medicate" or whathave you, and I find myself really wanting some latley.  I haven't taken any since summer...  But it just really helped me relax.  And these St. John's Wort pills I'm taking kind of work?  But i still feel the need to lay down somewhere and cry.  I still don't feel like doing anything.  I still have constant worries and anxieties... I still do my weird OCD.
I just had to rant.
I hate depression. It makes me feel like an outsider.

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 1/8/2007 12:49 PM (GMT -6)   

this is unfortunately how depression is...we all have similar feelings.  I think it is important to discuss this with your parents and go see a psychiatrist who might be able to prescribe you some meds.  Hopefully since you experience some relief from the ST. John's Wort they will be able to find something that can truly break through this.

I wish you luck and am glad that you are comfortable enough to post your took me over 5 years to come to one of these sites and look for help.  It helps to know that we are not alone, since in our day to day lives it certainly feels that no one understands how we feel.

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 1/8/2007 5:05 PM (GMT -6)   
hi famous,

reading your post was like looking at something i would write much of what you said i have gone through. i was denied my first university choice and had to change my course to get into another uni. I have been seriously hurt by all the guys i have loved or cared for so am now commitment phobic.
i feel asthough i have no talents, i am not sporty, musical, artistic or anything, and got hooked on pain meds after being in hospital as they made me feel giddy and happy, but i too havent had any since the summer.
i tried St Johns Wort it worked a little bit but since i sought help ive been much better on the fluoxetine.

it all turned out better tho, ive met some great friends at my uni that i wouldnt have met if id got into my first choice plus i love this city.

without a boyfriend i am a ble to conccentrate on getting better and focusing on my friends. sometimes things happen for a reason (i do believe this) and although failing to get into the course or uni that i wanted seemed like the end of the world, it turned out to e the best thing ever!

i really feel like i understand you, please keep us up to date on whats going on with you. xx
  • Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly. (Langston Hughes)


  • It's easier to go down a hill than up it but the view is much better at the top. (Arnold Bennet)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 1/8/2007 10:25 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi famouslastwords..Welcome to HW.
Did you know that by reaching out to others today and asking for help makes you a very wise and worthwhile person? Well it does...well done!
You are going thru a rough patch just now..highschool/college ick!..there is a lot of pressure around you just now..that's ok because you know you can handle it..already you have taken some action by taking St Johns Wort and things have calmed a little which is great :)
Depression can be a pain in the butt..not the end of the world though eh? The sun still comes up in the morning thank goodness lol. How about seeing your doc. as others have suggested and tell him/her what you have been going could be that you need to go to counselling for a few sessions to learn some skills for coping with stress, or perhaps some meds to help you thru.
Does exercise help lessen your anxiety etc? Walking is good.
How about getting together with friends - I bet they are going thru the same sort of stress too..and like you could do with some company and cheering up.
Take good care.

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 1/9/2007 7:04 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all so much, your advice and hopeful attitudes will help me get through today :-) thank you!
I am going to therapy, and we have talked about putting me on actual meds, not just herbal pills.  However, my dad is totally against any kind of "drug" that alters your feelings like those medicenes would... Which is horrible because he won't even let me try them... My therapist said that I could go to my local physician and get the meds myself- without even letting my parents know...  But I know if they found out I would get in a lot of trouble and I wouldn't feel right sneaking behind their backs.
 Any suggestions on how I could make him see that meds might be what I need?  Without sneaking around?
thanks again xoxoxxx.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 1/9/2007 8:58 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi famous, It just sounds that your parents are not educated on depression and what exactly antidepressants do for depression.  They do not alter your feelings, or mind in anyway...some people though have reported feeling "numb" but when your faced with depression that may not be so bad.  If your 18 you are of  age to get medication from your family doctor without your parents consent.  I would not feel guilty about doing this, as it is your health and body that is being effected.  However, if your living with your parents and want to keep the peace (which it seems that you do) then perhaps, you could pull up some information on depression and antidepressants, print it off and have your parents sit down and read it.  Or maybe have them sit in on one of your thearpy sessions in which your thearpist lets them know how dangerous depression can be if left untreated like this. 
Once you get to college it is going to be much more hectic and stressful then things are for you now.  You need to get a good treatment plan going and a strong support system in place or else things will be very difficult I am afraid.

Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 1/9/2007 10:09 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi famous. I agree with most everyone else. I think it is your health and you have the right to take medications, but if you do want to keep the peace, then have someone like a pharmacist or doctor educate your parents on meds. They do not change your feelings at all. They merely regulate the chemicals in your brain that are out of whack and partly responsible for why you feel so low and why you struggle with ocd. Once those chemicals are regulated, you are in better stead to work through your feelings of depression and anxiety. A therapist can be of great help in this area but often meds are needed to regulate the chemical balance in our brains before we can undertake helpful counselling. I think your parents just lack the education about depression and meds and may see the light once they learn some things.

When I was your age, the world looked as bleak. I had ocd and depression something awful.
I took a year to recover because I was so underweight at the time too.

This is what I learned from that. Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary situation. That was 15 years ago for me, and when I think of all that has come into my life since then, I can't imagine having died and missed out on that. I'm not saying there were no more hard times, but I'm saying there were plenty of good things I'd have missed out on and that I got help for the depression and ocd so they became managable. Death is permanent but depression and ocd are not. It is natural I think to feel as if you want to die when you are that depressed. Some days I am in so much pain from my surgery I want to die but not actively harm myself. It's more like a passive wish. Anyway, what you feel now sucks and it hurts bad. Try to keep in mind, not to minimize it, that it is not forever and death is. The fact that it is not forever may not make you feel better right now but it may help you hang on and choose life over suicide. I promise you you'll be glad you did.

Do keep us posted on your parents' response to meds and how you are feeling. And good luck to you as you face your challenges. It sounds like you're on a good road. We hope you will let us travel some of it with you.
Frassy, I am sorry but I have had to edit your post due to forum rule and regulations # 1. No discussions of suicide or self harm.  I realize that your post was to set an example but these types of discussions are could become injurious to others and we do have younger kids that post on this site and I would hate for them to get any ideas from something that we post.  I hope you do understand.  Thank you ~ Elisha

Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 1/10/2007 6:32:25 AM (GMT-7)

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 1/10/2007 7:01 AM (GMT -6)   
thank you so much for your words, they really make me feel good and hopeful.  i think i will find out more information about meds and depression to show my parents, and talk to my therapist about how i should go about talking to them. 
frassy, thank you so much, your words made me feel so much better. i actually kind of feel like crying...a good cry though. your very right- depression is NOT forever...death is. and i know i would hurt many people in doing that, and I know I would miss out on so many things. i'm so glad youre better and realize that suicide isnt the right way out, because your story really hit home... i don't know... just thank you so much.
i'll keep everyone posted.
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