I want to die, and it's because of my job

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New Member

Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 1/16/2007 4:42 PM (GMT -6)   
I wish I could just die. Not suicide, but natural causes or accident so that my wife and daughter could collect the life insurance. I feel like such a failure in life. I can't support my wife and daughter, because I can't keep a job. I have a master's degree, but my autism and depression make it very hard to keep a job. I take criticism too personally, question authority, get frustrated easily, complain a lot, and other things to get on the boss's bad side quickly. I am 32 years old, and in the 16 years that I have been working, I have gone through 28 different jobs, many lasting only a few months. I am defaulting on my student loans ($60,000+), am in collections from at least 5 different creditors, and was having my wages garnished until I lost my job.
My depression seemed to be better until a few weeks ago. I had to stop taking my Cymbalta because it costs too much. I have prescription coverage, but it is non-formulary, so it costs $60 a month. I am still taking my Prozac, which is about $17 a month. My wife and daughter are both sick a lot, so I have to choose between my meds or letting them see a doctor when needed.
Now my job is going downhill because of my depression. I wish I could go on disability, but I am physically able to work. It is just that my personality and my mental disorders make me a bad employee with a bad attitude. I have been on unemployment since September, and have applied for at least two jobs every week since. The only interview I got was the job I have now, and it has not worked out. Employers take one look at my resume, see the huge long list of previous jobs, and throw me in the trash. I apply for most jobs knowing I will never hear back, and that is frustrating. I can't work at Walmart or Kmart, because I failed their on-line personality tests. I am down to applying at fast food. I had hoped that my life at 32 would be somewhat improved over my life at 16, but that seems unlikely.
Thanks for listening. Sometimes it helps me just to vent.

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 214
   Posted 1/16/2007 7:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Wow. I am so sorry. But I bet your family would rather have you than any amount of money. I know this because I have had some family members die and we would give anything to have them back. No amount of money can take away the pain of lossing a loved one.
Maybe you could take a temp job. But keep trying, don't give up. Life is really hard sometimes and we have to keep on going.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2004
Total Posts : 550
   Posted 1/16/2007 8:40 PM (GMT -6)   
 Wow its great that you love your family that much.You may feel lost,but they love you and that means everything.....I don.t mind that we have very low income,its killing me that hubby is leaving.I'm grieving as if he were dying....Please just seek as much support as possible so you can be with your family.We support you!!!!!!

I use to have a handle on life ,But it broke!!!!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 1/17/2007 5:07 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi badger, first I just want to commend you for your dedication to your family and to keep trying with the challenges that you have to face everyday with your autism.  I have worked with people with severe mental illnesses and also people that have autism though to a worse degree and I just want you to know there are many programs out there that can help in the job force for you.  I dont know what state you live in but perhaps you can inquire if you have a Vocational Rehabilation that can help place you in a position that would be suitable for you.  Voc Rehab does job training and helps people with specific disibilities as you have.  Also, I have pulled up some information for you if your interested.  Please do feel free to continue to post here this can be a great resource for you and give lots of support.  We are always here and do care.  Be well...

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 1/20/2007 8:32 AM (GMT -6)   
My personal problems don't even stack up compared with your life hurdles badger..
You have so many great qualities about you that some people will never have if they live to be 100! You are obviously a family man, you have an education, you have energy, strength of character and a good understanding of who you are :-)
So don't be so down on yourself badger - forget about the negative side - good grief we all have one of those..focus on the positive side..
Els has given you great advice and websites to follow that I am sure will help you along your way.
Keep us posted with your progress.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 617
   Posted 1/21/2007 7:44 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey Badger411,
I divorced your doppleganger about five years ago.  I didn't know what his problem was at the time, but during the divorce process, I figured out he was Autistic, specifically he had Aspberger's Syndrome.  He had all the same symptoms, constantly changing jobs, months, even weeks apart.  He changed jobs once and I didn't find out for two weeks!!!  He does have a genius level IQ, and is incredibly good with computer networking and security, but he has no concept of paying bills and couldn't even keep a checkbook balance.  One day he came home and had traded a two year old FORD TAURUS station wagon for a bright RED FORD MUSTANG, without even consulting me.  Believe me, I understand the challenges you face.
My husband was always depressed and paranoid.  He never got fired, but I think he would see the writing on the wall, and would have another job lined up ready to go.  And somehow, he always made more money than the previous job. 
My suggestion to you, because you have so many work locations is to change the format of your resume'.  Instead off listing off all your previous employers and dates worked, there are several other formats of resumes that focus more on your job skills, job specific training, and several others.  You can do an online search for resume formats, and try rewriting it that way.  There are also professional resume writers, which I'm sure you could take your resume to for a final once over, and shouldn't cost a lot of money.
Lastly, if you have been seeing a doctor for your condition, you may very well be qualified for SS Disability.  Just a thought.  I'm on disability myself, and qualified on the first try.
Hang in there and let us know how you are doing!!!  Chin UP tongue
Leigh Ann cool

"The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful."
                                             - Jimmy Buffett

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