I wish I could just die. Not suicide, but natural causes or accident so that my wife and daughter could collect the life insurance. I feel like such a failure in life. I can't support my wife and daughter, because I can't keep a job. I have a master's degree, but my autism and depression make it very hard to keep a job. I take criticism too personally, question authority, get frustrated easily, complain a lot, and other things to get on the boss's bad side quickly. I am 32 years old, and in the 16 years that I have been working, I have gone through 28 different jobs, many lasting only a few months. I am defaulting on my student loans ($60,000+), am in collections from at least 5 different creditors, and was having my wages garnished until I lost my job.
My depression seemed to be better until a few weeks ago. I had to stop taking my Cymbalta because it costs too much. I have prescription coverage, but it is non-formulary, so it costs $60 a month. I am still taking my Prozac, which is about $17 a month. My wife and daughter are both sick a lot, so I have to choose between my meds or letting them see a doctor when needed.
Now my job is going downhill because of my depression. I wish I could go on disability, but I am physically able to work. It is just that my personality and my mental disorders make me a bad employee with a bad attitude. I have been on unemployment since September, and have applied for at least two jobs every week since. The only interview I got was the job I have now, and it has not worked out. Employers take one look at my resume, see the huge long list of previous jobs, and throw me in the trash. I apply for most jobs knowing I will never hear back, and that is frustrating. I can't work at Walmart or Kmart, because I failed their on-line personality tests. I am down to applying at fast food. I had hoped that my life at 32 would be somewhat improved over my life at 16, but that seems unlikely.
Thanks for listening. Sometimes it helps me just to vent.