I'm new to this so please bear with me. I guess I'll start with a background glimpse. I don't really know when my depression started. I was both anorexic and bulemic from 12 until 16. I was raped the first time when I was 14. Shortly after that I tried to commit suicide. I took an entire bottle of Tylenol and ended up sick for 3 days. My parents had no clue until the 3rd day why I was so sick. They didn't know I was depressed nor did they know about
the rape. They never took me to a doctor or anything like that. I just dealt with the depression on my own. I still had suicidal thoughts but I had promised a good friend that I would never try suicide again. I still cried uncontrollably for no reason. I was raped a second time when I was 17. Was too scared to tell anyone about
him too. My home life was full of verbal abuse from my stepfather. A month after I turned 18 I moved out. My depression improved greatly once I moved out. I met my now ex-husband and got pregnant at 19. At 21 got pregnant with my son. At the start of the second trimester I started having panic attacks. My OB/GYN put me on Zoloft. All was better for 2 months. Then I started back up with the crying uncontrollably. My OB/GYN doubled my dose of Zoloft. That worked great. I stopped taking the meds daily after my son was a few months old. After that I only took the meds when I was having a bad day. Which remarkably did wonders. In 2003 my relationship with my husband started going downhill and my depression returned. I started taking the meds again on a regular basis. In 2004 I divorced my husband and quit taking the Zoloft. In Jan of 2005 I met my current sweetie. He's great with the kids and is great to me. In December of 2005 I had a hysterectomy but kept my ovaries so my hormones should be okay. After a year and a half we decided to move in together. We lived 45 minutes apart. We decided on a place in his home town. I left all my family and friends. My job is still in that town but I had to change shifts at work. So I left all my co-worker friends too. So I'm here in a strange town with noone. The only person I know in this town is his mother (whom I get along with great). I work 3rd shift now so he is here alone all night with my kids. Due to my depression and being on the verge of a major meltdown I took a layoff that my company offered me. He is a manager at his job which requires him to be gone from 7am till anywhere between 6pm and 8pm. He recently started this job and had to spend 3 weeks out of state for training. Which of course hasn't helped my depression any. He is out of state again this week. He is sharing a hotel room with another guy and said he didn't want to call me before bed cause he didn't want to be talking all mushy in front of someone else. Being in a strange town, knowing none of my neighbors, and being in a much larger town has me scared to stay alone at night. Being here alone in the daytime doesn't bother me. At nighttime is a different story. I not only deadbolted the doors last night but barracaded them as well. His mother has offered to stay the night here with me while he's gone. I don't want to put her out of her own home to stay here with me. I can't go stay with my mom because my daughter has school in the mornings and my mom is 45 minutes away. Last Sunday was our 2 year anniversary and of course he forgot. Which of course didn't help with my depression. I have had low self-esteem all my life. My father was both emotionally and physically abusive and really did a number on my esteem. Since I have met my current sweetie I have lost 20 lbs and recently put 15 back on. I'm not a large woman so the weight gain stands out like a sore thumb. The recent weight gain hasn't done my esteem any favors. My sweetie says he doesn't care how much I weigh. He loves me just the same. He is very supportive. I'm finding it hard to believe that he can find me attractive since I don't find myself attractive. I have been working out 3 times a day every day for a month now. I have quit drinking pop. Which has given me excrutiating headaches. As my luck would have it, I haven't lost any weight and my clothes aren't fitting any better either. I have started taking the Zoloft. My sweetie is being as supportive as he can be but I think his patience is wearing thin. He doesn't know what to do when he sees me crying and I can't tell him why. I'll be watching a commercial, a tv show, doing the dishes, listening to a song, vacuuming the floor, cooking supper, taking a shower, it doesn't matter. I just start crying. It isn't a short cry either. I'll cry for 2 or 3 hours at a time. With me not knowing anyone here I have nowhere to take my kids while I seek counseling or even go to a doctor appointment. He's rarely home cause he's working all the time, his mother works until 5 pm every night. My sweetie is gone all day. My mom works till 2 but is scared to drive to my house (my town is about
10 times larger than hers). Like I said, I'm all alone here. I am with my kids 24/7. If I leave the house, they go with me. I have no time to myself. I have no friends here, no family, he is my only support and most his time is focused on his work. I'm tired of crying all the time, feeling like I'm worthless, tired of not having any self esteem, tired of not being able to give my kids 100% of me, and have decided that it's time I try to take care of me so I can take better care of my kids. Any help, advice, insite, etc would greatly be appreciated.
Post Edited (honestynindiana) : 1/18/2007 3:22:17 PM (GMT-7)