I'd like to introduce myself. My name is Michelle and I am 44 years old, and co-moderator of the Chronic Pain forum. I was asked to read this thread, and once I did, I wanted to respond to a few issues.
I know how hard it was for you to come here and bare your soul the way you did. I am a sexual abuse survivor myself, and know firsthand what it is like to live with that. I do think you need real life (not computer) support as well as coming here. YOU did NOTHING wrong. CJ did the wrong. Calling a rape crisis center or counselor would be an excellent first step to take in order to get your life back and feel in control.
Regarding not fitting in at school - You need to accept yourself before others can accept you. It doesn't matter whether you are gay, straight, bi......you are still a human being and deserve the same respect as anyone else. There will always be an elite group who feel they are better than everyone else, and the best way to deal with them is to ignore them. They will find something else to talk about and poke fun at soon enough.
The last paragraphs of your post worry me. Any form of violence is not the answer. That just puts you in the same category as CJ. The fact that you are having those dreams is also worrisome. I agree with the person who suggested printing this thread and taking it to your school counselor. The counselor should be able to refer you to some who will understand what you have been through and give you coping skills to deal with this.
Please forgive me for stepping in here...but I think you need to understand that here at Healing Well, we do not diagnose or judge others. We are a forum for support and information-sharing. While your suggestions that Matt see a doctor are very sound, it does seem that you are asking him not to post here. Matt posting here was the first step to him getting the help he needs. Turning him away is NOT the thing to do.
You seem to have some medical knowledge, as do I. I use my knowledge to guide others to seek what they need.....not tell them what they must do. It isn't my place or yours to make decisions for others, or make them feel uncomfortable here. If Matt breaks the rules, the Depression Moderators will handle it.
I don't want to offend you Geebs. I am just asking you to tone it down a little bit and remember that others may not be as strong as you are right now. Sometimes just knowing that a faceless friend knows and understands you is enough to help you take the next step.
Though we live in a world where anger and hatefulness seem to be the norm, we CAN make a difference, one person at a time.
Full time Chronic Pain and Co-Moderator of the Chronic Pain Forum :)
Never lose faith in the kindness and love of others, you never know when you will receive lemons too :)