Posted 2/1/2007 6:01 PM (GMT -6)
Hello my name is Matthew and I am 17
I'm am not entirely sure how to start this, but for a while now I have been finding it hard to concentrate in school and now college, last year I had to change schools because I was being bullied at my first school and I admit it was my fault due to the fact that I retaliated in a lesson. I wasn't completely sure what happened but Yes I lost my temper. Arriving at my new school I was really up for making new friends and to settle down and gain my GCSE's, the plan then was to study Mental Health and Nursing at the local University the next year, however people didn't accept me, only a few people did. Once again people started to bully me and this time I resisted retaliation and my way of dealing with it was to skip lessons. I had a girlfriend, but I wasn't truly happy, through her I met a boy called Ian, for months I would go round his house instead of going to school, he had been home tutored and was about to go to music college, he was smart, I'm not saying he was a bad influence, however he really should have said that I couldn't have gone round his and instead I should have gone to school. Through him I met this person called CJ, he told me that he wasn't a nice person however he was adamant that the only way for me was to discover the real truth on my own, and yes I found out in the worst possible way, he sexually assaulted me, I told my Mum and I told someone that was a good friend to me at the time, he decided to spread that I was gay, I started going going back to school, its was my "Clean page", I decided to turn over "a new leaf" but the people that previously bullied me, bullied me more and they all just called me gay, there was nothing I could do, walking out of school would possibly land my Mum a hefty fine or even land her in court, I had to face it. I turned to crime, got myself a criminal record and I am doing a system under the YOT (Youth Offending Team) its nearly finished now and I feel I am a changed person, my self esteem is a lot higher and I feel alot better about myself, I have a wonderful Girlfriend, but I am re-doing my GCSE's but I feel like I'm going to fail, I'm behind on work, I feel that If I fail this I will lose her, my Mum keeps getting letters through the door, informing her of how late my work is. She will kick me out, there is no doubt about, she keeps relating me to CJ and telling what a waster I am, his name makes me shudder, makes me angry and depressed. I want to live with my Dad, but my mum controls him and he can't look after me due to the fact that he is ill and won't let me live with him.
I have weird dreams, where I thrive on hurting people, I have dumped my Girlfriend every night this week in my dreams and the echo of harmful things I have called her, ring on in reality, I love her so much but I have actually considered finishing it with her everyday on the bus to college, I don't know why because she is the only person to make me feel complete. Maybe I feel that she deserves better, a sane person?
I don't know who you are, but whoever you are please don't judge me in a bad way, as my Dad always says "I can't change the past but I can change the future, I can't change where I have been but I can change where I am going and I can't change what I have done but I can change what I am going to do" , my friends won't understand they just think that i'm losing the plot, because my way of reacting, I act loud, I'm yearning for total attention, I understand this but cannot stop it, many a time I have tried. I can't tell my Girlfriend, who is the most important person to me because I am too scared to lose her, sometimes I just need "Me" time, I go on long meaning-less walks and I think about the meaning of life. I can see it in her eyes, its the only thing that she doesn't understand about me, is the fact I have major mood swings. I hope she doesn't think it's personal, but how do you tell your Girlfriend you got raped?