Posted 2/4/2007 6:15 PM (GMT -7)
As my senior year is drawing closer to the end I find myself in such a hole right now. It could be the cold weather, but it's probably just me. I've been feeling really depressed lately. Depressed about school, not seeing myself as having a future in anything, not being able to find a job I like, or find a woman thats compatible with me before my high school experience ends. I wake up and its always a good day or a bad day...the bad far outweigh the good though. On my good days I tell myself that things are getting better...and that night, before I go to bed, I think of ways to make the next day great! But when I wake up, its like amnesia...Im automatically in depressed mood, and I've forgotton everything I told myself.
Is this normal?
I Just have a lack of caring anymore. I've lost touch with my church, I yell at my family. I ***** about my problems to my friends 24/7 like they are all some sort of psychiatrists. I have no motivation to do my school work EVEN WHEN FAILING! School is horrible....I know just about everyone, I wouldnt say im popular, but more of a guy you say hi to in the halls and I hang out with a lot of different groups...but when it comes to the work, I will sit in class and listen to music, twiddle my thumbs, or do anything but work. I've tried to have my teachers push me harder, and Ive tried coming in for extra help...but my lack of motivation kills me. I see what I want to do, yet my body says, just go to sleep and feel sorry for yourself. Just about everyday, someone tries to help me and talk to me. And I always think "This is one of those moments where you have a coming of age moment and change, because it is so profound." But it never changes.
about two years ago this started but it was far worse. I was having panic attacks, anxiety attacks. I would dissociate out of my body, it became physically numb to the touch. I never did medications, just therapy which sort of helped because I havent experienced anxiety to that extent since. I still am always nervous of what people think of me, I feel judged. I feel nervous all the time when I know I should be confident....I just dont get it.
I am killing my friendships, my relationships with my family and church, and any potential love-interest. Can someone shed some light on why things are this way? How can I change?
P.s. - I am not suicidal. I dont cut, drink, or smoke. I have never been medically treated in the past for depression, but it is a depressed feelign that I constantly feel.