Hi Els, ShynSassy & Victoria,
I hope you don't mind me 'joining' in, but reading your posts is like reading my own thoughts. The confusion and uncertainty seem to be the same for us all and that is reassuring in an odd way. It confirms we are not alone.
I have avoided dealing with being raped for 16 years, I have avoided therapy and was on a very slow road to self destruct without realising it, my self esteem and confidence have just dwindled by the day, yet I still have the odd day when I am more determined than ever to ‘win’. OUtwarld I am fine, but inside its all a mess.
I can’t offer advice, I don’t feel qualified, but I will say that counselling itself hasn’t worked for me as such, but the after effects have. Thinking through what I have talked about sadly makes me realise that I hate myself as much as the three men that attacked me, if not more. I feel powerless most of the time. And I shouldn’t!
I don’t quite know how to do it yet, but I know I have to learn to love myself before any amount of therapy or healing will happen. I have to believe that I am worth it and even if it is just that I set aside 5 minutes a day to remind myself that I have a right to be here. It’s a start.
These horrible people may have been in control then, but they are not now. I am in control, and that little reminder of power helps me take those little baby steps.
I too, still feel the utter shame, the disgust, the guilt and the complete feeling of helplessness and when I do, I try to accept it, then I make sure I get a little anger going. I cannot let this control me forever, I have one life I want to see the beauty and live the rest of it without fear. I don’t want them to have the satisfaction of knowing that that they have ruined my life.
Please be strong girls, you are all beautiful individuals with the wonderful ability to help and support others, make sure you take some time to support yourselves. You have the right.
Thinking of you all.