Can I join you please. I dont normally tell other people about
what I have been through. I have been bulimic for 30 years now because I was sexually abused by my step- father and wait for it, my natural mother. I dont want to speak bad of my mother as she died 11 months ago from Alzheimers and I love her very much.
I was abused from the age of 9 til I was 16 and that was when I finally left the home. (I was sexually abused) physically as well as mentally. It was horrid but I didnt know any different really. I thought I deserved it because my mother told me I was ugly.
I cant go to any counselor either and I wont. I am a firm believer in God and believe He has got me through all this and kept me save after I left home. I have been raped too and I believe I have made many mistakes because of my abuse. I dont know how I do it but I have also attracted the wrong men in my life and all I wanted to do was meet a loving warm man but the man I am with now used to physically abuse me and I am still with him. The abuse has stopped but when he used to hit me, I thought I deserved it and so this is the reason why I am still with him. Before him I met a guy who was violent but didnt touch me, he drank too much and i met a guy before him who used to buy **** magazines. It was so horrid. I just couldnt understand why the world was full of cruelty.
I have 3 children now to 3 different men because they all left me (well Im still with my youngest daughters father) I dont trust him and I warn my children against men. I have a son and 2 daughters and I am so worried for my daughters. I am over protective and very cautious when we are out because I dont trust anyone.
It has ruined my life. I still think Im ugly and if someone abuses me I think I deserve it. I always try to buy my friendship with people, especially my husband. You know he never even bought me a wedding ring. I knew it shouldnt be like this but then again, who was I. Im no one special. How rediculous am I? Of course we are all special. I know we are special but I find it hard to love myself. I cant even hug my kids except the youngest because she is only 4 and I dont look stupid to her. She loves me, no matter what I look like.
I hope we can help each other. To build each other up and to know that we are all very special. Its not our fault what happened to us. How are we to undo this. I cant just keep blocking it out. Maybe I will see someone in the future when Im not too scared about raking up the past.