I'm at my wits end. I love my children dearly but by Friday, I'd gladly give them away for awhile! My husband's shift work is what I call the single parent shift because he's asleep in the morning when the kids get up and he's gone in the evening. I have little to no help. And today is a pdday so I had to get both kids to daycare. I ended up going upstairs and breaking down and my husband had to go finish getting them ready so I could take them over to the daycare. I am still shaking a bit, on the inside. But work today is difficult. Even more difficult to focus. It was just so exhausting in every way possible. I haven't posted in awhile. Not that I'm doing better or worse, it's just been hard lately. I check in and read through posts but I haven't been up to posting for myself lately. It's so hard to talk/write these days. Everything just gets caught in my throat. I have made a huge decision and in two weeks time (feb. 27 - my 30th birthday) I am seeing my Dr. to have my sick leave form signed and I'm going to be taking almost 4 months off work (that's what we're allowed in Canada through the Employment Insurance program). It was a difficult decision but after going through a couple of really shaky weeks, I was forced to come to the conclusion that I needed some time off to heal. Just making the decision lifted my spirits. But I have to get through the next couple of weeks. I try to get one night away from the kids every week but this week I have not managed it, and it's adding up. And tomorrow my husband may be on course all day so I won't have my usual supported break on Saturday, when I often don't get out of bed til 1pm and then I take a really long, relaxing shower. I just don't know what to do. My parents are the only ones that respond when I say I need help. Friends are rarely available and I get frustrated relying on my parents all the time because they are really busy too. We run a little law firm and my parents both put in very long hours. And I can't afford a babysitter either. Anyways, I just needed to vent my frustrations after this morning. This afternoon my son is going for his psychological assesssment and I'm very interested to see the results. My husband and I are seeing a counsellor on a regular basis now and I think we're making some headway but his schedule complicates everything and I'm left to clean up, look after and generally run the house by myself. And I think mentally it would be one thing if I knew I didn't have anybody (ie. a single mom) but when I have a husband and I'm still stuck taking care of everything and everybody all the time, it's just incredibly frustrating. And I have to struggle with everything to get even the smallest thing for myself. I wanted to take a course one night a week and I was unable to find a babysitter for that one night. Nobody was available to do it and my mom didn't want to commit without back up. So I ended up not being able to take the course. It seems like such a little thing but for me, it's all those little things adding up. And I'm tired emotionally and physically. I feel ancient and I'm only turning 30 at the end of the month. Anyways, I just wanted to attempt to post and vent a little, see if it helped at all. Maybe a little but sometimes tapping into the emotions like this morning, is a dangerous thing if you can't do anything about
it or there's nowhere for them to go. It's hard to bottle them back up again and it takes some time. Time.... It's always about
needing more time and not enough time.... Thank you for listening.
It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....