I don't get it.
I hit bottom on Sunday and the wonderful people that I was hiding my depression from found out. I wish I had told them sooner. My pastor arranged for family friends to take my kids for a week. My husband insisted that I take a week off of work. (I wouldn't have been any good to them anyway)
The first day I needed help just getting in the shower and to the doctor's office. I was actually hoping for him to admit me and take away all responsibility. After the doctor told me that I just needed to wait for the meds (Lexapro 10mgs since 2/12) to start working, my husband took me to get books on dealing with depression. an appointment was made with a psychiatrist for later this week.
The second day I felt like I was crying inside, but couldn't get it out to my face. There were actually moments that I didn't feel like a loser, but then I started feeling guilty for not feeling bad. I felt like everyone was making such a big deal about me having depression, I should not feel better so soon. Also, depression is what has gotten attention and help for me. If I feel better, then I don't deserve to have people help me, and I feel like I can't do it yet without help.
Today, day three, I'm not crying inside. I feel numb, disconnected from my feelings and situations. I feel unable to concentrate or make decisions. I feel scared that if I feel better, the psychiatrist won't believe that I felt so bad. If I feel better I will be required to re-enter life the way it was before and I won't be able to handle it.
You know when you glue something together, but for a while, if you let go it will fall apart until the glue dries all the way? I feel like the glue has not dried for me yet.
I feel guilty for feeling better. Like it couldn't have been so serious if I am better so fast. Are the meds working so soon? I don't know what to expect.
Thanks for letting me put this out. This site has been a lifeline for me this week. My husband has been golden for me, but to be able to do this has helped so much. Thanks.