Posted 2/21/2007 4:41 PM (GMT -6)
Just need a vent to be honest. Sorry:(
I've been feeling really really low this last couple of days, the feelings that I used to feel creeping back.
I just want to disown everyone in my family, except my little brother and sister. I'm fed up of them all.
There are reasons for feeling tis way, but then when i think deeply about it, these reasons probably are justified for how low i feel.
Even getting my guitar today, something I've wanted for years, has only have lightened my spirits a little, whereas usually it would be a huge huge deal.
A lot has gone on over the last few weeks, I've had a lot of bad news with regards to my health, and the fact it's only downhill from here, it won't get better. I've been coping with tht really really well though, and I think it's probably just my family just tipping me back over the edge into a major bout of depression.
My 21st birthday party was on Saturday, we had it at my BF's (paul's) mum's (Di's) house.
We were holding it there so I had an easy retreat to aroom if I needed to rest. And it was only a street away for me to get home. My mum went insane when she found out, and she refused to attend, meaning neither could my1 year old sister. My gran didn't show. Neither did my step dad, aunties and uncles, cousins. Not onesingle person of my family.
I got really annoyedwith her over the phone about it, and she hung up. I decided this was in no way going to spoil my celebrations.
My birthday was yesterday, and she came up the day before to drop off cards.
She wouldn't come up to the house, as she said she didn't have time, so I had to hobble down stairs with my crutches. Yet she reckoned there was time for us all to go for a meal. Until I pointed out the expense.
On my birthday, I received 2 calls. One from my mum, one from my gran. I told my mum I had the best birthday party in the world, and really rubbed her face in the fact that she didn't turn up. Then she said my gran was on a war path, as I wasn't wearing the chain she bought me when my mum came up.
Anyway, I ended the call with my mum, 10 minutes later my gran phoned. Kicking off, that I hadn't worn my chain, and that she bet's i didn't wear it at my party either, and how i don't appreciate anything she givesme, as I haven't wore the chain's she's give me 2 years previously (There yellow gold, she knows I only wear white gold or silver.)
I asked her how she'd even knew I didn't wear my chain at my party, and whether it would have actually mattered anyway, as noone in my family turned up to it.
She hung up on me.
Waited until about 5pm. Then got onto my dad in USA. He forgot my birthday last year, and I reminded him then he had no excuse, as it was 8 days before his. Suprise suprise I was online all day in background on my laptop. He was online also, but he did not send me a single happy birthday message. I'd even made it quite obvious by putting it in my msn name.
At 5 I sent a message saying 'forgot my birthday again then?' he sent me an email just saying 'remind me of your address again'
I kicked off big style. Really layed into the fact taht noone actually gives a darn that it's my birthday, yet if i forgot there's there would be murder. He's never been a father to me,left when i was 4, and only got back in contact when i was 15, when his mum died.
You know, on my birthday I got messages galore from my friends, paul's cousin. Not one of them forgot me, even the ones i don't speak to all that often. But all i wanted was a nice day, spent with my family, or at least with them giving a darn.
Even though i've got paul and all my friends. My mum has destroyed me in the fact that she never let me go anywhere ever when i lived there. Meaning that I'm used to aving famly surrounding me on my birthday. It's all I want.
I'm sick of my parents and gran telling me i'm just lazy, i should do housework, there's no excuse for my house to be a mess. There is, they know this, they know about all the diagnosis that has happened recently. I don't have the physical energy to do anything. Never mind the fact I can't even lift a shopping bag because I'm too weak, and I'm totally mentally drained.
I'm drid up of tears, and still all i want to do is sit and cry. Why are they doing this to me, it's not fair.
I know every challenge makes you stronger, and I expect to be super strong by the end of this one.
I'd been doing so well with medication and everything, but I'm finding I'm missing doses, and not even realising it. Missing my Sertraline is the worst thing ever, as it's the only thing that takes away the edge off my depression. And it's getting me more down. I must be such a bad person if I can't even do this for paul, if i can't make myself happier for him.
It's starting to get bad already and this is only a few days in. I'm being moody,snappy, having full on tantrums again. I even kicked paul the other day because i was so wound up, and he was saying the wrong things.
I feel so guilty for putting my depression on him, never mind all my other health issues.
I'mso fed up of life, and just when things are starting to look better, then they get worse than what they were before.
I'm sorry if this post doesn't make much sense. It needed to be released. Luckily I do have an appointment next week with my Psychiatrist, and on the same day i have an appointment with my CF team, which includes my nurse and physio, who seem really good at making my head straight again. I just have to last till then i guess. I'm just so sick of feeling this way
Am I just been silly?
It's true!: Smile and the whole world smiles with you. Frown and the world turns upside down.
Diagnosed with: Cystic Fibrosis, Asthma, ABPA, Clinical Depression, Mild liver cirrohsis, mild osteopenia. Waiting for final diagnosis on Muscular Dystrophy type symptoms.
Allergies: Any dressing except Mepilex border. Even plasters make my skin blister. Hayfever, Tazocin, Tobromycin, Ibruprofen, Asprin, Codeine, Mirtazapine.
I have a pretty little port-a-cath on left side of chest wall