Posted 3/2/2007 7:08 AM (GMT -6)
I have been a chronic depressant since I was 12 I think. I did not get help though until I was about 26.
I had been sexually abused as a child. Then married at the age of 18 to a man that became a monster. Sending me deeper into the depression.
I finally got help with my depression,and by that time they wanted to admit me to the hospital,but I had 2 kids and I refused.
After 13 years of emotional and physical abuse I finally got enough courage to leave him.
I went down hard after that,as I had a hard time paying bills,lost my job and my son was diagnosed with bi-polar,and the divorce made him act out alot worse.
I started taking more meds than I was supposed to,did alot of drinking and just acting plain stupid basically.
After about 4 years of this,I met my best friends nephew. I have never been the same basically.
I ended up moving in with him after a short time of dating,because my ex-husband just would not leave me alone.
And my kids decided that they wanted to live with their dad. I think that was the hardest time I have ever been through. I cried for hours on end. I never smiled,I would go for days without eating. I just did not care.
I finally admitted to my b/f about how many meds I was taking,about not eating ect ect. And he put his best foot forward and helped me get better.
I had no job,so no insurance and my doctor refused to order my meds. He told me to basically get a bottle of Jack Daniels for the withdrawals and that was that. So...my kids left me,my mom said she did not want me,and my doctor of 15 years left me. I had no one..or I thought anyway.
I found this site,and used it to finally tell things that I had never told anyone. By doing that it helped me open up to my b/f. He stayed up nights with me. He talked me thru the withdrawals. He encouraged me by telling me how much better I looked by being off the meds,and the first night I actually slept (after about 2 months of not sleeping due to the withdrawals) he woke me up in a panic as he was sure I was not breathing.
I know it is not healthy to depend on someone so much. But,he was my savior. I needed someone to step into my life and care,and help me get back on my feet.
I have been med free now for almost 2 years. I have actually been able to gain weight,I eat alot better. My depression is alot better. I still have bouts to where I am scared that I am going down the deep end. But,at this point I do not want to go back to the way I was. I want to stay med free,so I am determined.
I used to envy the people that could laugh,that actually had a smile that was not fake.I can do that now,and quite frankly I had not done that for a long time.
It is very hard to stay on this road believe me. But it can be done. If I can do it...anyone can as I was in a very very dark hole and had not seen the light at the top for a very long time.
So,there is hope the healing process is hard. But you have to be strong,and know where you want to be.