Well i am trying to figure out why i am the way i am, which is not fun. Here goes...
I am 25 yr old white middle class, decent looking, with terrible anxiety, depression, addiction, self loathing male.
here is a breakdown - anxiety- never feel completely at ease unless im alone, very paranoid that ppl are criticizing my looks, cannot be my self around other ppl, have horrible panic attacks while working feels like a hole is being burned through my chest, no social life because of this.
depression/self loathing- i basically hate my self, can stop thinking about it, hate minor details about my looks to the poing that this is a major part of anxiety( pinky is very short when i hold fingers together its about 1" shorter than ring finger, very weak jaw and chin, funky hair - thick and wierd curly) also im a very tiny man im 5 9 , but 1 25 lbs, very skinny and look very young.
Addiction - Ive smoked marijuana pretty much everyday for 5 years, i basically have used it to stay numb, i know this is adding to problem (phycosis can be caused by marijuana use). Have really bad anxiety and panic attacks when i get low, or are out. Ive had a gambling problem to but not anymore. Am couple thousand dollars in debt because of this
Complete agoraphobe - I lost my last job as an IT consultant because i just could handle the stress. Having to deal with so many different ppl each day and normally they are angry because something doesnt work. Not sure what im going to do, staying at my moms house now. Car payment is 2 months behind. Once i get off work i literally feel worn out from having to act normal all day
I really could go on and on for days about all the little things, but ill keep it short was on Lexapro for a few months and quit cold turkey(horrible experience) then went back on it couple month later for 1 month and doc swithed me to Cymbalta, and for like 2 weeks respidal. I am having a hard time telling any difference with the meds, marijauna useage is down a lot but i still use, not sure if its because of use of pot or meds not working.
A basic discription of a normal day- I hate everything and everyone and everylittle detail of everything for about 75% of the day. Every good emotion feels fake and like im forcing it and makes me more anxious/depressed.
every few weeks ill have a really good day where emotions feel natural, not that much anxiety around ppl and can act like my self about on a scale of 1 -10, about a 7.
Im just looking for what ppl think and what they might recomend to help me get back to being a normal 25 year old, and just a normal person in general. THank you so much for reading