Posted 3/13/2007 6:14 AM (GMT -6)
I am spiraling downward and there doesnt seem to be an end. I'm 20 now and i've been depressed for what it seems is my whole life. I think i became self aware of it at about age 17, or thats when it seemed to get even more progressivly worse.
I feel like a caged animal. I know who i am (or who i want to be at the very least) and it feels like there is nothing i can do to escape my head and just be myself. Its so frustrating at times and i just feel like exploding.
Everyone i've turned to for help just seems to either not understand my problem or what i'm saying, and i feel like my friends and family i talk to just minimalize the problem. But this isnt a small problem, i live with this every day and every day it is worse. I'm afraid of where it might end, if it ever does.
I'm a server now. I've been one for about a year. Its a terrible job to take for someone in my state of mind, i know, but it pays well enough, but it just doesnt seem worth it anymore. I'm great friends with all of my co-workers, but even with my greatest of friends i feel the heaviest social pressure. It makes it hard to work. On top of that, my boss is the most difficult person to work under. He's sarcastic, not understanding at all, and can make you feel very inadaquite very quickly. He's a great guy outside of work, but during work, he is unbearible to someone in my situation. It is only added to all of this that he is also the owner so he has even a more personal involment with managing.
The other problem with it all is having to serve many different people each day. It wouldnt be a problem if i were any different in my head, but i'm not. Its the most stressfull thing in the world trying to get the same thing for 10 people at the same time, especially when they all want it in the same time as everyone else. I get confused easily and on some occasions completely forget to put someone's order in, forget to get something for someone, put the wrong order in, etc.. It bores down on me feeling like i'm being judged by that many people at once. I dred every day knowing i'm going to have to do it all over again. Even on my one day off a week (sometimes i dont even get that one day off) i feel the same sinking feeling all day.
All of this would be a simple choice for anyone, but there are very few servers at this place and i am depended on as the guy who can work every day all day when needed. I feel like i would make it that much harder for everyone if i quit (even with 2 weeks notice). And to complicate matters even worse my roommate works there and is best friends with the owner. I feel like i couldnt live there anymore if i quit(the owner also helped him get the place) and that wouldnt be such a big problem, but i would hate to abandon him with all of the expenses of the apartment.
I could easliy get a job delivering pizzas and make enough money to support myself and finally start college. The job would also be less stressfull and give me the free time that i desperatly need to try and cure my depression and anxiety. I just dont know how to get there without dissapointing everyone and looking like a bad person in there eyes. What should i do? is there something i'm overlooking with all of this. I just can't find any way of going about all of this.