I suffer from eating disorders and while they're more under control than they used to be, I'm still having problems. I'm always tempted back into old habits such as one 200 calorie meal a day, excessive exercise etc and I'm finding it harder and harder to resist it these days. I've found talking to friends, professionals and doctors doesn't help because part of my mind wants to stay as it is and I feel like I sabotage myself. Like I chicken out and say things are improving and whatever I'm trying at the moment is helping or whatever.
I've always been what people dismiss as a fussy eater because they don't know the extent of the problem, but I really want to eat like a normal person. I see my friends having the most delicious-looking meals but I try new foods and they make me sick with fear. Its so frustrating because I really want to like these things but by the time I've got the courage to even taste them I'm in such a state that I'm physically sick. My old counsellor and I figured out it was partly to do with being force-fed as a child but I've never found a way to overcome it. I feel like some kind of freak because people act like I'm over reacting and they can't understand why something as natural as eating gets me so worked up. They don't get how I can eat the same plain boring foods every single day and they make jokes about it and it makes me feel ashamed of what I eat. I'm scared to eat certain things in front of people because of what they'll say and the jokes they'll make, so quite often I'll go without instead, which puts me in a pretty destructive mindframe where my eating disorders are concerned.
Has anybody else had a similar experience? I've tried things like relaxation techniques, trying to change my thought patterns and just persisting with the same foods, which has worked on rare occasions, but I can't seem help it, food makes me so terrified.