Posted 3/29/2007 1:09 PM (GMT -6)
I spend most of my life hiding behind a mask, Ths mask is pretty, it has no changing features, just a huge beaming smile.
The mask is superglued on, so noone can take it away,noone can see my emotions if I don't want them too.
Every now and again however, the glue begins to come loose. The mask begins to slide, so people can look in my eyes, and see my soul, the hurt, the pain, the angst, the fear, the sadness, the tears they can see it all.
Right now, the mask is starting to slide again. But I can't seem to find the glue to hold it up. People are begining to notice things aren't right. The more they notice, the more the edges lose there grip.
I've just heard yet more bad news. While not wanting to go back into hospital, I dowant to, to get better. But, I can't go into hospital and get better if they don't have a bed for me. This is what has happened, the whole chest ward has been shut down,although there still not sure why. They can't put me on another ward,as I need specialised care, and nurses Iknow I can talk to if I have a problem.
My lungs are hurting, my legs are hurting, and I've been trying so hard to hide the hurt because of this from my boyfriend. I feel soguilty putting him through anymore than what I have done in the past.
I just want to get through this depression time without having to let him no I hurt.
The trouble is, the way I'm finding of hiding things is comfort eating, which is making me throw up even more than I had been doing,and frantically cleaning the house.
I have a thing when depressed, that everything around me has to be perfect, as I'm not. But things are really getting on top of me.
I physically ache aswell as mentally now. I hurt inside and out, but I'm stilldetermined not to show I'm upset.
I've been at his mum's house everyday this week, just too stop me harming myself by over-tidying. I can only walk a hundred meters without wanting to pass out, so the tidying and throwing up, is really wearing down on my energy and putting me down even further. It's also making my muscle enzymes rise, as for me, housework is the equivalent of doing a days excercise, and I'm actually banned by my doctor from over doing it,as it just makes me ill.
When I get into hospital, I know I'll be fine, there's only one place I can tidy, and I blitzed the kitchen in there 2 weeks ago. Meaning I'll be made to sit down and have my meds, and rest. But right now, there's too much for me to do in the house, and to much food for me to eat.
Has anyone got any ideas of a less energetic way to keep myself busy. I've tried crafts and reading, TV and computer games, but nothing really seems to take my attention away for long enough.
Thankyou for your replies in advance
It's true!: Smile and the whole world smiles with you. Frown and the world turns upside down.
Diagnosed with: Cystic Fibrosis, Asthma, ABPA, Clinical Depression, Mild liver cirrohsis, mild osteopenia. Waiting for final diagnosis on Muscular Dystrophy type symptoms.
Allergies: Any dressing except Mepilex border. Even plasters make my skin blister. Hayfever, Tazocin, Tobromycin, Ibruprofen, Asprin, Codeine, Mirtazapine.
I have a pretty little port-a-cath on left side of chest wall