I know just how you feel.
It's like you are watching yourself in situations, instead of being in them yourself. You know that you should feel, and you start to- but just when the emotion becomes strong, it shuts off.
It is like there is a line where normal emotions go up and down from. Normally, feelings would go up and down from that line of "neutral" sometimes small, and sometimes, if the feeling is strong, very big. In this state, all of the feelings get small, like you can't get away from that "neutral" state. sometimes you might feel someting, but it's shallow and doesn't last long.
After a while, even the good feelings cause pain when you look back on them because you don't feel them often and it hurts to be made aware of that.
It's like a fog, or being insulated in foam.
I went through life like that, knowing that I was supposed to feel, and playacting the responses like I was feeling, but always looking at myself and knowing i was playacting.
It makes anything you do feel false, because the overwhelming emotion you read about is not there for you. Nothing is there- but you know there should be something. BUT the thought of creating the emotions, or even feeling the emotions feels exhausting.
I went from this to deep depression. it wasn't all at once, it just got too hard to keep everything going, the only way I knew to escape was to commit suicide. The only thing is, I knew I didn't want that to happen, I just wanted to escape. I wanted to sit in the closet with an IV, so I didn't have to eat or drink. I just wanted to turn off.
After a while, I had such overwhelming pain I had to turn it off somehow, and that went numb. Numb still hurt. I went to get help, and the doctor put me on a couple different meds. They didn't work. I ended up not able to function. I took 2 weeks off of work (Dr ordered) friends took my kids away for a week, and I just sat at home. My husband took the time off of work and friends stayed with me so I was never alone.
The drugs have taken effect, and I am back into the "neutral" state.
I know I love and appreciate my husband, I am convinced of it in my mind, but I feel disconnected from it. I am not a stranger from him, but from myself.
I know I love and cherish my children (girls- 8, 6 and 2) but I feel disconnected from it and have to make the "motions" to show it to them.
The thing is, it's when I make the "motions" of emotion that I get a taste of the feeling that I know I should have. The feeling follows the action. Not as much as before, but a taste of it at least.
I have started counseling because if this is all that the medications are going to do for me, get me out of the pit, but leave me teetering on the edge, leave me numb and playacting emotion for a taste of it, I want more.
The medications gave me a foothold, so I can stand to go through the emotions that counseling bring up. I will get well, but it will take a lot of work. When I get too far into it, I get to where I want to hide again. I want to shut down. If I can just get past the hard part- I will be well.
TRY- make the motions, feel the feelings that you get, make more motions, even if you don't feel it. Tell the BF what you are going through (without scaring him) love is a choice and takes work. You won't always feel the "warm fuzzies" for your BF. It doesn't necessarily mean that the love is going away- if you know that love him, but the tingles are going away, it may just mean that the love you have is changing to a more mature love. To lean more about that read "The 5 Love Languages". It talks all about that. Having him help you through this will bring you together like nothing else.
Tell your doctor what you feel (print the posts and highlight what applies if it will help) and get counseling. It takes both to get well.