I briefly read your post as my attention does not allow me to remember alot of what I read but I will tell you that I turned 42 today and for me, my depression has never left me. I have undergone hospitalizations, tons of meds, electric shock therapy and now vns. To this day, I have never been completely depression free and find days when i wonder if I live hell on Earth. I have lost jobs that I have loved, my children to their fathers and most recently lost the most wonderful person a woman could have, my fiance'. Unlike you, I no longer have that person that understood my every mood and the person I could go to for comfort. I am sitting here crying right now because of the loneliness and heartache of knowing that my depression has played a major part in all that I have lost.
I am sorry if I offer no or little advice but I will not sugar-coat what depression has done and continues to do to me!!!!!
Im not sure of your age so the best advice that I could give you is when this darn demon called depression starts showing itself, PLEASE LOOK AROUND YOU AND ESPECIALLY AT THOSE YOU HOLD DEAR and remember, life as you know it on that day could be ten times worse without all you have today. It will be hard, but please, take it from someone that sits alone here by herself on her birthday remembering the days of flowers and phonecalls, dinner and the look in his eyes when he kissed me happy birthday, that this girl wishes she at least at all that back today.
Keep your head up and never stop asking for help!