New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

New Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 4/19/2007 11:23 AM (GMT -6)   
deleted post

Post Edited (yellow_stars18) : 3/25/2008 12:55:28 PM (GMT-6)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 4/19/2007 1:37 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Yellow star
First of all welcome to the board,I am really glad you found us.
Wow,what a mess to have to go through. I am very sorry you are experiencing this.
I am no expert in marriage or relationships period as I myself have been divorced.
But, I am going to be honest here...after reading your post I kept going back to why is that other woman even talking to your husband about your personal problems? That to me is fishy. If he did not have his wedding ring on around her,well then I am sorry but something is not right.

At some point you have to watch out for you. Listening to him tell you he is not happy with you that is not healthy at all.
Me being a woman and a darn stubborn one at times,would tell him "ok fine" then I am not going to be around someone that is not happy with me".And walk
You can not fix him,it is not your job. He went into this marriage telling you that he would stick with you forever,he made a promise to you and he is breaking it.
I suggest counseling for yourself at this point. You have got to get healthy and be able to face whatever is coming next.
If he refuses to get help with his depression,that is not your problem.
I don't mean to sound mean here,I just think that at some point he needs to get a clue,and if you just walk out then maybe he will get one.
If he does not,then is he really worth it?

Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/19/2007 2:51 PM (GMT -6)   

Hello Yellow Star.

I am Kitt and welcome.

It's time to define your own reality and create the life that will make you happy. This is your life. In the last part of your post it sounded to me like that is how you are feeling. Good, that is healthy.
Have you seen a therapist for you? I do not think you can drag your husband to therapy or a physician unless he clearly becomes a danger to  himself and others.
He has been dragging you down and verbally abusing you besides his behavior certainly appears to be in the depression area. He is blaming you for his problems.
No one else is more important, worthy, or special than you.  It is appears to be time to make a move and to make yourself the one you care for first.
I am so sorry that this has happened to you and you have my support.

"A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book."
Irish Proverb


Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 4/19/2007 8:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi yellow star, Welcome to Healing Well forum, we are so glad to have you join us here.  I am in total agreement with Shy and stkitt here.  It sounds as if this man has had some emotional problems for a very long time perhaps due to the treatment from his childhood...I dont know?  Granted he is in a foriegn country which you can relate to that but his behavior and treatment of you is totally uncalled for here.  That is abusive and there is no other way to say it or explain it. 
I understand that you dont want to just through away your marriage and the time you have invested into this guy...I am sure you love and care for him deeply.  However, you cant hang on to someone who isnt sure of what they want, or what they feel...and when mistrust comes into the picture that is so much worse.  Perhaps, you can suggest sometime apart or a seperation of sorts.  Just to give you both a little breathing room, time to think things over and for him to try to figure out what it is exactly what that he wants.  I'm sure you dont want to spend the next 20-30 years of your life in this manner with him?  Each day is just going to get more and more difficult as they pass.
Counseling is an excellent idea as was suggested.  But you may want to try to suggest that he also attend a counselor on his own.  It really sounds like he needs it no matter how resistant to the idea he may be.  I am also wondering if he is working?  Has he formed any friendships on his own since coming here to the US?  That could be a major problem in and of itself as he could be feeling very isolated and alone...then your one friend who maybe was just being nice to him he could of mistaken it for something else entirely.  Just putting some thoughts/ideas out there...Please do correct me if I am wrong here.
I do hope you continue to post here.  This is a wonderful site for information and support there are so many wonderful people always willing to help.  Take care

Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 4/19/2007 8:37 PM (GMT -6)   
Well, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who can write mini novellas when I post!!!!!

I agree. You have to figure things out. Cause as for him being in denial, most men are! Even mine is and he's not depressed. Depression just makes it worse. Cause they think if they ignore it it will go away! Not so much...

But you can't baby him. It's the worst thing you can do. He's either gotta get things figured out or stop stringing you along. And if he won't make the decision, then you have to do what you have to do. Sometimes when you actually make the move to walk out, it's like a reality check. But something has to change for you. And it's your life when it comes down to it, you have to do what you need to do for yourself!

Obviously emotionally it's not easy to walk away from that much history but sometimes it's your only real option.

 It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 4/22/2007 12:46 AM (GMT -6)   
Yellow_stars 18, This is a great place to find support. Welcome. We all have a story to tell. One of the things that goes on for spouses of depressed individuals is depression fallout. I am not allowed to give you a link on this board but there is a website that will give you access to other spouses of depressed people and a counselor who will email with you and give advice and input. If you will enable your email on this board I will be happy to send you a website for depression fallout. I post on both boards and they both have their place in supporting my husband and I.
Walk in harmony

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 4/22/2007 5:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Scotsgal, I would be glad to but your email is not enabled.

Walk in harmony

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 553
   Posted 4/22/2007 10:57 PM (GMT -6)   


I have a slightly different opinion about what to do.

My husband supported me through two bouts of depression that lasted a long time- and I was not getting help.  He was not happy- neither was I- and we were almost divorced.  We ended up in counseling, and I realised a bit of what I was doing to him.  It took a long time, but he says that when he got married he was in it for the long haul.  he assumed that a few years of roughness would not compare to the joy we would look back on after 50 years of marriage.

If he will not go to counseling- you go.  You can not change him, you can only change yourself. You have conversations with him.  What if you knew his condition and what he needed to hear and could "slip" it into the conversation without it being a "you need to do this"?  It could take YEARS. What triggers his outbursts?  Is it something that could be interpreted wrong through your husband's lens of depression?  Is is someting that you are willing to change?   

While you are at the counselor's office- make sure you have the support you need.  Obviously he is not giving it to you now. You need it from a "core group" who can care for you.

As for his insistence that he does not care for you- is it a "dislike"?  It does not sound like he has "revulsion" for you, just a "neutral" feeling for you.  It sounds like your courtship was exciting and new all the time.  Marriage can't  be like that always.  If we were all in the fog of "new love", civilized society would grind to a halt.   It does not make the marriage bad- just real.

All relationships get to the point where they are a choice, not a biological need.  You need to choose.  Are you going to love him through this- even if it is a one way street for a while? 

The only times when this decision is made for you is when you or children are in physical danger from him.  Emotional grief can be countered with a strong support group and a strong emotional will.

I have to ask: Do you go to church?  Does he go with you?  You should not handle this without support.  My faith has gotten me through situations (including my deepest despair and our most horrific arguments before he was saved) that I believe would have taken me under if I did not have it.

Look at what the bible says to women who have unbelieving husbands.  These men could separate, or possibly kill them by whim alone.  The bible says to be kind to the husband.  Let him see the "right" working in you, without voicing it to him.  Do what makes HIM happy without breaking your own vows to God.  Pray for him at every possible moment.  It is impossible to truly hate a person that you pray for.  The day will come around.  Do not leave him, but if he leaves you, try to patch it together.  If he has left for good, do not regret, you did the best that you could.  Go on with your life as a whole and complete person.

Christina (depressed, married 9.5 years to Rob, Bipolar, OCD)
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Sunday, September 23, 2018 1:21 AM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 3,005,796 posts in 329,263 threads.
View Active Threads

Who's Online
This forum has 161803 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, nadadot.
216 Guest(s), 1 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details