I have a slightly different opinion about what to do.
My husband supported me through two bouts of depression that lasted a long time- and I was not getting help. He was not happy- neither was I- and we were almost divorced. We ended up in counseling, and I realised a bit of what I was doing to him. It took a long time, but he says that when he got married he was in it for the long haul. he assumed that a few years of roughness would not compare to the joy we would look back on after 50 years of marriage.
If he will not go to counseling- you go. You can not change him, you can only change yourself. You have conversations with him. What if you knew his condition and what he needed to hear and could "slip" it into the conversation without it being a "you need to do this"? It could take YEARS. What triggers his outbursts? Is it something that could be interpreted wrong through your husband's lens of depression? Is is someting that you are willing to change?
While you are at the counselor's office- make sure you have the support you need. Obviously he is not giving it to you now. You need it from a "core group" who can care for you.
As for his insistence that he does not care for you- is it a "dislike"? It does not sound like he has "revulsion" for you, just a "neutral" feeling for you. It sounds like your courtship was exciting and new all the time. Marriage can't be like that always. If we were all in the fog of "new love", civilized society would grind to a halt. It does not make the marriage bad- just real.
All relationships get to the point where they are a choice, not a biological need. You need to choose. Are you going to love him through this- even if it is a one way street for a while?
The only times when this decision is made for you is when you or children are in physical danger from him. Emotional grief can be countered with a strong support group and a strong emotional will.
I have to ask: Do you go to church? Does he go with you? You should not handle this without support. My faith has gotten me through situations (including my deepest despair and our most horrific arguments before he was saved) that I believe would have taken me under if I did not have it.
Look at what the bible says to women who have unbelieving husbands. These men could separate, or possibly kill them by whim alone. The bible says to be kind to the husband. Let him see the "right" working in you, without voicing it to him. Do what makes HIM happy without breaking your own vows to God. Pray for him at every possible moment. It is impossible to truly hate a person that you pray for. The day will come around. Do not leave him, but if he leaves you, try to patch it together. If he has left for good, do not regret, you did the best that you could. Go on with your life as a whole and complete person.
Christina (depressed, married 9.5 years to Rob, Bipolar, OCD)