Arggggh, what a weird weekend.
Firstly on Friday my boss was really weird with me allll day, well at least I got that impression, but we went on a work do at night and she was fine, then the next day my best friends mum said to me that I really put myself down all the time and that I shouldn't, then |I thought my best friend had fallen out with me for no apparent reason and asked my bf to ask her if she was ok with me, which she thought I was daft for thinking that when he asked as she said I'd done nothing. I've felt down all weekend and teary and was actually crying at work due to thinking my boss wasn't talking to me but was to everyone else.
Then..today I was at my boyfriends house and I figured his Mum wasn't talking to me also for no reason and when we left I asked him why and he didn't have a clue what I was on about and said Katie you always think everyones against you and not being nice to you etc..and they aren't acting that way atall. Thing is I am like that, in some situations unless its my really close friends I keep my mouth shut or I say very little, and whenever I do say something I immediately thin after it..Do they think I'm tupid/boring/a loser for saying that etc!I always get th impression no-one likes me or that everyone is better than m, I mean lass wise too, alwas feel their clothes hair everything better than me and I look poor and just tings like that.
Also this sort of weird feeling towards my boyfriend is sooo getting me down, he's being so great with me, and I can't lose this feeling, but he hasn't done anything wrong, and its a feeling I can't describe all I can say is its a sligtly awkward feeling! Like it makes me not be able to be normal how I ued to be-sorry I'm not very good at describing I don't want us to split as its not that kind of feeling if you all get me, it sprung from nowhere aound the time, I had what I call my mini breakdown where everything came to a head and I decided to visit my gp! I so want this to work with him as he's fantastic with a few minor flaws i.e he snores! and we've together 2 and a half years now, and before I started feeling like this I had a lot of good memories but now when I think back on them they don't seem good, its like a blanket of dull is over them..does that make sense?? Also whenever anyone sggests a split or anything not just in my relationship, any one I get this tight rushing in my chest and like a feeling takes over my whole body, I sweat and my heart races. This is very bad when people mention it about my relationship. I also seemto have beome a bit obsessed with relationships, for instance if I se people who are together/have been for a long time etc it makes me happy and I think oh It can work for me, but then when I see people splitting up etc I fel really down and a sort of panicy, and think, I'm doomed. I am also really bad for reading the problem pages scouring them for answers and relationship questions, I just can't help myslef, anything to do with relationships, I'm on it. I hate this... I don't like talking about me and my boyfriend splitting up, I want to get through this, can i? It sends me into a sort of mini panic just thinking about it. I'm such a freak.
I really want to be happy again espesh in my relationship.
Does anyone know from what I've said is wrong with me, is it the anxiety and depression I'm suffereing (deiagnosed Dec 06) or should I just run away from this place, thats how I feel