I am sitting at rock bottom. I don't see how to turn this around. I have destroyed everything important in my life. My mind torments me almost every minute of the day, and I feel like I am reaching the brink of insanity. I don't know what to do, I need help...
I suppose I should tell my story.
I am 29 years old, I have accomplished nothing in my life. I have been in and out of colleges for 11 years not really lasting more then a semister before losing interest. I haven't been in a 'normal' relationship in 10 years. I am currently unemployed, penniless, and living with a relative leeching everything they have. I haven't worked in 2 years, I honestly don't think I am in the condition to work due to my problems. My current relationship is the root of my problem, and its crumbling.
2 years ago I met a girl playing an online video game. She was the sweetest person in the world to me, and for reasons beyond me adored me. I'm not the most likable person in the world. I am very jaded, angry, bitter and distrusting. I don't like talking to people, and agitate very easily, so needless to say, it did and still confuses me why she liked me so much. We grow very close, and I really opened up to her. We became sexually and emotionally involved, so to speak. A big problem lied in the fact that she was not only several states away, but had a boyfriend at the time. Things grew very complex. She suffered many emotional problems dealing with unsupportive and verbally abusive parents, having been raped in high school, and dealing with the suicide death of a very close girlfriend she was sexually involved with during an experimentive period. I very much wanted to persue this and make something ore of us, she however feared that it was a bad idea. She was unable to break off her current relationship because she has strong fears of people hating her. She still wanted his friendship, but feared he would hate her if she left. We were left to merely be intimate over the phone.
This is when my problems really started to surface. She became my world, so much so that I had trouble thinking about anything else. I couldn't be away from her. Work became difficult, I couldn't focus and eventually quit. I alienated everyone else around me. I blew off friends, and one even thought I had an internet addiction. I couldn't be away from her, or my mind would race. I grew antsy. I was and am noticably uncomfortable when I am not sitting at my desk talking to her. As time pushed forward, her time had to be divided amongst other responsibilities, and I got less and less of her time. I unfairly took it out on her. I complained constantly. She eventually changed servers to temporarily get some space from me. I am a horrible snoop. I followed her, an even invaded her trust and privacy reading her emails. I had grown distrustful.
Things after became very hot and cold. One minute she would adore me, the next she wanted more space. I became very hurt and confused. Several times she tried to end things. Telling me she wasn't the girl I was looking for, and that things wouldn't work. I pushed to keep things alive. Things lasted for a while until I found that she had broken up with her former, but she also ended things with me. She told me she couldn't handle me anymore. She also said there was something in her that couldn't do it. But she would never tell me what it was, mainly because she didn't know herself. I was crushed. She wanted to maintain the strong friendship we had, and I told her that I would always be her friend. Inside, its not what I wanted. I didn't lie however. I can't express the feelings I have for her. She means the world to me, and I can't see life without her in it. I would die for her. Inside, I wasn't happy though. My mind tells me everyday that there will never be another her. I plague myself knowing I will NEVER love anyone the way I do her. The immense regret for destroying the only thing in life that ever made me happy is ripping me apart. It has destroyed my life. And yet, I am still obssesed. I still want her back, and I don't know what to do.
Things between us have gotten worse since then. She doesn't really confide in me anymore. I have grown very distrustful of her as she has developed a close frienship with another. She tells me its nothing. That he is just someone that is nice to her and never judges her. Never pressures her like I do. He is somewhat flirty with her, and he burns a flame in my chest. I know she is telling me the truth, but the further she drifts, the more I hate him. 2 days ago we had another huge fight. She wants a break from the game we play, so she told me she wouldn't be around for a week. I took it poorly. In the argument it came out that about half the reason she wants the break is to get away from me. Admist the fight she even said maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore. Her last words to me were 'I'll see you, when I see you.'
So here is where I am today. My life in my hands, torn to shreds. On the verge of losing the person closest to me. Completely enthralled to this chair. I can't even leave to get basic things done. She was the only thing I felt was going to add meaning to my life. I am devoid of any ambition. Starting to accept I will live my life alone. Constantly plagued by dreams now turned nightmares. Constantly thinking. Always thinking. I feel worthless, hopeless, alone, and with nothing left. I know I suffer depression. I tried to get therapy once. She told me I was OCD and probably had ADHD or something. She was a horrible therapist, and even tried to overcharge me for sessions I paid for out of pocket. I took prozac for a month, but being penniless i can't afford the insurance to pay for it.
I really don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to get help. I don't know how to fix what I have destroyed. I don't kow how to accept being alone. I am constantly in anguish. I am embarrased that I am so obsessed. I am embarassed I can't even take care of myself. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't deal with this anymore. I need help.