I wish I knew how to manuever the "quote" control because your last post is so powerful!!!! When you said that we do things because it is like a punishment for the moments of happiness that we feel we don't deserve is so TRUE!!!!! I know because I have lived my life doing this. Actually I have done things to ensure that my possibilities of happiness are thwarted!!! WHY?!
I have learned the hard way that when you do this, your so call self-fullfilled prophecy does come true! And it hurts more than anything in the world!
I have made a decision to not do this anymore at a cost that I will never stop paying for. Will it make me a better person, I KNOW so. In my life, I have lost everything that has given me the strength to try to be this "new" person.
For once in my life, I feel some value in me but that doesn't take the hurt and pain that overwhelms my life on a daily basis.
I am probably the loneliest I have ever been in my life. I have never been so sad and angry all at the same time. I pray for a miracle every day and walk behind my ever enduring Faith as a guide.
Will I ever be able to laugh so hard that tears come to my eyes or will I ever be able to look and smell a flower that I planted and see the brillant colors and smell the scent that I can't see now because of the fog that has covered my life.
Today is mother's day and this is the one day (besides my children's b-days) of the year that I am grateful to be here. I look at my life and if I ever did anything the way I should, I look at my beautiful children and find the peace that I should have every day. The one thing I am proud of is that I made the world a better place when my children were born.
Thank you Shyn for actually sharing with us what some people dont understand. For us it is a reality for others it is a beauty, a gift that is taken for granted. Just one day I would love to feel that happiness that I havent seen for several months.
To all the moms, enjoy your day and when you look at your children, know that they are your miracle of a lifetime!
"Faith is knowing you're in control
when your life is falling apart,
Faith is in that quiet assurance
I feel deep within my heart".