Posted 5/11/2007 9:36 PM (GMT -6)
I am having a hard time with understanding everything that is going on in my life. I have been a member here for several months and my life is usually up and down. I have battled everything from basic medical concerns with my depression and my VNS implant to the worst days of my life and wondering how I am going to get through another day.
I recently within a couple days heard from my doctor who has followed my most of my adult life. He takes care of the VNS implant and has come to be the only doctor I trust. This all changed recently and I am absolutely devasted. Now before I go on, you guys will write me back and say that I must learn to trust that all docs are not bad, I know, we have already gone that route, I guess I just want to vent right now. I am at a point in my life where the only thing that gets me through the day to day trials is my FAITH. Without that I would perish, I truly believe that. My Faith has always been a powerful influence in my life but has never led me like it does now. I have never experienced the level of trust in Faith as I have the last several years. It is this Faith that allows me to have great expectations for my life. However, I must swallow my pride and be a little embarrassed and say that that I am trying so hard to understand why my faith is so strong but my life is so bad.
I see signs from God that give me strength in believing that things will be ok. I have done so much wrong and in return have had so much wrong done to me that I beg for solence. I beg for the chance to be happy and live the life that I so rightly deserve but turned my back on so many times. I ask God to please lead me and allow me to make whole what I have lost, give me a chance that I dont deserve but want so dearly!!
There are so many important things in my life that without those I will never be whole. I know God knows this and it is my understanding that these things will be possible.
This I do know: I will not give up! I will pursue this recent health issue with strength. It is hard being alone and having noone to lend a shoulder when I need one. The many times I spend in tears, daily I will spend also in prayer more so than usual. I will be the person that I want to be, the person that has Faith in this VNS and I will eventually have it turned back on instead of having it taken out.
I want to be healthy and happy and trustworthy! I can be all these things. Alone and lonely I dont have any of these but I have faith that I will, I WILL!
Ok guys, Im a little better. Sorry so winded, Friday night and a little stressed, weekends are really bad for me. I miss my happy weekends. I have Faith they will be again.