Mother's Day for me affirms that I do have a reason to be here! I look at my children and know that I did something wonderful with my life. Especially today. I looked at my son as he sang a song he learned in school. It was about how I was the greatest mom. I will never forget the excitement he had this morning as he prepared to sing it. Along with it was a laminated picture with his hand prints and a picture of him with the song he couldn't wait to sing. I thought to myself, what if I would have taken that handful of pills last month? I would have missed the most beautiful song that I ever heard in my life. What would he have done with it knowing that his mommy was not here to hear this beautiful song? Would he have cried and been sad because he couldn't see his mommy ever again?
And if I would have taken those pills, I wouldn't have watched my 20 year old getting out of her fiancee's truck carrying the gifts she couldn't wait to give me because she knows that I was just as excited because her gifts are always so clever :) The wonder and joy in her eyes as she watched my eyes well up with tears because the gift she gave showed my life in perspective showing me snapshots of my life with my children and my relationship with the man I was to marry and his daughter who was to be her stepsister. Tears of loss and memories good and bad streamed down my face, she wiped away my tears as she teared up as well. Instead....she would be standing next to a grave marker crying. All the memories in the little album that I had enjoyed so much tonight would be the same memories that people would view as they visited to offer condolences to my daughter and family. Her wedding day would go on without me by her side. When she was born I remember thinking before I know it I will be the mother of the bride........just think......I almost wasn't.
And if I would have taken those pills,I would have not talked on the phone to my daughter Briana and would not be able to tell her how much I miss her and cant wait to see her smile in a month or two. Would she understand that not all mother's days would be spent apart and that alot of effort on both parts would bring plenty of togetherness in the future? I was able to tell her that the sound of her voice makes me happy and that I think of her every day. There would have been no phone call, only a question of why was my mom so sad that days like today didn't matter to her? What did I do so wrong?
Today, I thank God for the faith he bestowes on me every day. Today I thank God for the ability to see the gifts that he gave me and how fortunate I am for these children.
Even in my darkest hour, I know that there are many people that could go on even if I cease to exist. I also know that the 3 people that would suffer the most in this great big world are the reasons I am alive.
I want to thank healingwell and everyone on this forum for the gracious gift of caring. Without many days of support in my deepest and darkest despair, my children and I may not have been able to have this wonderful day!
Thank you guys so much!