married to depressed spouse.

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Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 5/14/2007 12:28 AM (GMT -6)   
My wife has been (what is the word i am trying to say)?  Depressed,  Well anyway, we fight all the time.  This is totally driving me crazy.  Our last fight was about me whipping my face on the towel after i brush my teeth.  She flys off the handle over small stuff like that.   She has been on so many antidepresants.  None seem to help.  I truley do feel for her, but, I want to run from this disease, but not from her.   I have a hard time dealing with it (depression that is).  It seems to me that misery likes confort.  I do not know how long i can handle being around a person that is not happy with anything.  She is so insecure.  I say something and she takes it Negatively.  when she takes it the wrong way i tell her i am not in here life to make it misserable.  so why would i say something to hurt here.  Today was mothers day.  I did not get her a card because last couple of days all we did was argue.  Yes the right thing would have been get her a card.  But i was so made at her for finding something to fight about.   By the way she has 2 sons from a previous marriage.  She has been married 4 times and this is my first.  I hope someone that is in my shoes can shine some light on this subject. 

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 5/14/2007 6:27 PM (GMT -6)   

Hi chico, Welcome to healing well forum.  I am sorry for all you and your wife are going through.  I have a few questions if you dont mind?  I was wondering if you live somewhere other than the US?  You said that your wife has been on many antidepressants but none seems to help? Correct?  What kind of physician is prescribing her physician or psychiatrist?

The reason why I am asking all these questions is that depending on what country you do live in mental health varies greatly.  If your wife isnt seeing a psychiatrist then she should be at least for the management of her medications.  Sometimes it is possible for us to get miss diagnosed and or given medication that is either insufficent or can cause more mood problems then we started off with.

Having said that, you might want to think about just sitting down with your wife and having a calm discussion regarding these issues.  Yes, a person who has depression is most likely to take most comments as critizim so you might want to think about things you want to say and how to word them right so you dont hurt her feelings but still do let her know that her behavior is making it difficult for you also.  You shouldnt have to live in an enviornment of anger regardless of the cause of it.

I am sure other members will be along shortly to post some suggestions to you also.  Let us know how your doing and keep posting.  Take care

Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 5/14/2007 10:28 PM (GMT -6)   
We live in North Dakota.  U.S. My wife has seen a few different psychiatrist.  The one she is seeing now seems to be on the right track.  For today that is.  Sitting down talking to her is not that easy.  She blames me for everything.  Granted, I am not easiest guy to be married to, being single for 44yrs.  Today Karen my wife got mad at me because she thought i put some varnish away that she could not find.  Heck i did not touch it.  I told her i am sick of this bs, she said should we do something about it, I said YEs.  theni had to go to work.  She called me when i got to work and said that is not what she wanted.  I do not either, but i cannot be misserable either.  we have tried marriage counselors to no avail. 

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 5/15/2007 1:57 AM (GMT -6)   
Just got off the phone with the wife.  I am at work and so is she.  we for some reason communicate well on the phone.  I told her she has to quite being a pesimist when i say or do something.  She said i was right.  DAHHH.  we had a great conversation.  about me wanting to run when the depression comes out.  it seems to me like i am living with 2 different ppl.  as to what you said Hippie girl about walking away when she is mad.  Heck we would never see each other.  But i do understand what you are saying though.  Another thing i told her is missery loves comfort.  and i told here not to put me in that position.  i am not gonna come down to her level.  all it takes sometimes is tell her i am sick of the bs and she seems to come out of it for a couple of days.  I hope it never comes to the point where i run and don't look back.  She is a wonderful lady with out the crappy disease.  She has been threw alot with me also.  hip surgery and Chrohns disease, which i have been fighting for yrs.  Very strong women to stick by me when i am sick.  So i feel i should do the same. BUTTTTTT,  depression is something else.  thanks for the responses. 
Philosphy for me is One Day at a time and treat ppl the way you want to be treated. Life is so simple.  If you keep a positive attitude. 

Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 5/15/2007 6:56 AM (GMT -6)   
You have been getting great advice...I just wanted to add one more thing.
For some reason us with depression seem to take it out on the ones that we love.
I do not know why we do that,but we do and it seems to be a "norm".
I think that you are doing a great job,and if you just keep her talking then hopefully things will start turning around.

Stay strong and keep us posted.

Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 6/7/2007 1:31 PM (GMT -6)   
Chico, I am in exactly the same situation in many ways. I have also experienced depression of my own so I can see both sides. You are way, WAY ahead of this issue because you can seperate your wife from her depression. This is a good place to come but there is also a website just for spouses of depression fallout. I am not allowed to give it out here but my email is enabled. If you are interested send me an email and I will give you the URL for the other site.

The most important thing to know is that your wife's depression is not about you. Even though it has effects on you, it is not about you.

Good luck,
Walk in harmony

New Member

Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 11/11/2007 10:43 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello everybody,
this is my first post here. I am living with a beautiful woman who is suffering with depression, and most of it is attributed to being my fault. Sometimes I see where it is my fault and then there are times that I see her picking at me for stupid reasons. I am trying to find some common ground I can get close to the woman I found and fell in love with. Like some of you here I have suffered with depression myself. I feel as though I could easily slip back into that hole again, but I really do not want to ever go to that place again. I want to feel the love from my wife and the affection that she once showered on me the way I want to shower my affection for her. Only one problem at this time she feels none of the same for me. I know that some of her depression is from other men in her life that walked out on her, such as father figures, former lovers and her previous husband. I try to do the right thing from my point of view, but am told that I am going the wrong way. I try as I might and am always doing the wrong thing. If there is someone out there who can help, I'll take it.
I LOVE MY WIFE AND DO NOT WANT TO LOOSE HER! If only she could see into my heart and take some of that love to warm her own troubled heart. Maybe she could find her way back to me.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 11/11/2007 2:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi chico,

I'm sorry about what you and your wife are going through. I would advice you to try another doctor if you can. I have battle with deppresion for 7-8 years and through that time I change between 6 doctors.
                                                     To be or not to Be

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 121
   Posted 11/11/2007 7:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello Chico, Squirrel_jr...welcome to healing well. I have suffered from Depression most of my life. I also was diagnosed w/ epilepsy at an early age so I think the depression kinda came along w/ that(meds). My mother decided she didn't want to deal w/ life at the time so she left us three kids with my dad(who also has suffered from depression for alot of his life). For you two, I am no expert but is there any alcoholism that goes w/ the depression? I am married to a problem drinker(a form of depression in not so many wrds), and have a real mom, and mother-n-law who are alcoholics. My step-mom is a recovered alcoholic. For those who are married to ppl w/ depression, does ur spouse lie when they don't take their meds...I sometimes do and then I get mad at myself and take it out on spouse...also the fact that it isn't in my system and I go crazy. Depression is one of those illnesses that are hard to treat,depending on type of depression(bipolar,mania). Also for me, I now have peri-menopause so the hormones are flyin and that doesn't help either. Uff'da. Chico. I am a Nodak girl too...Other side of ur state tho:) Hope this helps. Be cause I am an al-anon member I live one day at a time:) Keep coming back...we can be habit forming:)

"Be who you are for who else are you going to be?"
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