I just now came across your post and I am not really sure of how it started but from what I read I can tell you that from a perspective of the depressed partner, it is a terrible feeling to know what we do unintentionally to our partners. My story is a little different as I felt the closeness the first couple days with my last relationship. We sat and talked about different things in our lives that meant the most to us. Actually it was the second day we spent together and the whole morning was devoted to what he now knows all too well, depression. My "baby" has I will refer to him was the most wonderful person in the world and I watched my depression destroy him. Now I do want you to know that I did every thing I could to deal with it myself but even at that, depression has a way of seeping through into the veiw of those who love you. In fact he always said he could see it in my eyes before I even said I wasnt feeling good.
The only difference between us and other couples was the fact that the love we had was the "2%" kind of love and I watched that man do everything to keep my depression at bay. NOW, I think it is important for you to know that all the times that I saw him struggling with my depression, I was screaming on the inside for it to stop because I couldnt take what it was doing to him. It is imperative that you understand that no matter how hurtful or emotionally unavailable she becomes, she doesnt want it like that. If her depression is anything like mine it was like standing outside my body watching the one man in the world that I would die for, die for me a little every time my depression was active. This was devastating to me!
We are no longer together because of what I did (which I do take the blame but I owe part of it to my depression, which he doesnt understand)but I will tell you that if it is too much too handle there are no easy answers.
I was fortunate to have a man stand next to me no matter how hard I pushed. Depending on how severe her depression is or what type she has, it is a terrible monster that actually leaves most of its victims alone in their fight.
I use faith and God in my struggle. I believe that God gives us signs and that we are here to do the best we can. If you love this woman then I would say that you give all you got. The one thing I will say is that you must remain healthy in your fight!!! She must do her part in this battle, you do yours and God will take care of the rest.
I still hold out that God will put this wonderful man back in my life because he is one of the most powerful weapons against my depression. I am sure you are hers as well.
God bless you and I will pray for your relationship.