Posted 5/16/2007 10:54 AM (GMT -6)
Teresa, you are very sweet...thank you. I do understand greatly. I had a lot of stuff pile up on me all at once, emotionally others thought I was dealing with it well but, in my reality I was cracking.
I was diagnosed with MS shortly after I was married and never really dealt with having this disorder. My husband was a jerk and emotionally abusive so I walked out on my marriage and moved in with my mom. Because of my MS I couldnt keep up at my job I had been at for years so I had to resign and take another that paid way less. Before I was able to find an apartment I got sick again with this autonomic disorder which made me have to quit my job again and also have to stay living with mom. Since it is always uncertian when my blood pressure will drop and I will be passed out on the floor...it is dangerous for me to be on my own even though I would love to be so much. My world became very small and I made it that way. I stopped talking to friends that I had for years, I couldnt drive for the longest time so I only got to go out to doctor appointments when mom would take me. There was no point in even getting out of bed in the morning.
I dont really know what the turning point was for me. My only link to the outside world was my computer and often times when I was having an episode and was stuck in my room, laying in my recliner I would have my notebook with me and come to HW. It took a very long time and of course my mother...who I call momma has always pushed me every step of the way.
Of course I have had depression for a long, long time but when I became sick it compounded on it to a breaking point for me. I really think I would of given up without my mom this last time with this last dx. HW has also helped me a lot just reaching out to other people. In real life it is difficult for me too and I am just like you Teresa, I trust very few people. However, now that I have been getting out and trying to be more active I have noticed that when I smile at someone and say "hi" it is genuine and not put on or fake. I feel a little more open and easy. Not saying that I wont always be guarded but I dont feel like I have this mistrust sitting on me. I dont know it is weird and hard to explain.
For the longest time I was on Zoloft or Luvox and felt like I didnt have emotions, couldnt cry or when I did it was just an explosion that I had built up over time. Now I am on Effexor Xr and I feel totally differant that I have ever felt. Anyway, this doesnt have anything to do with what you posted and I am rambling here but I just was trying to say I do know what it is like when you have made your world or space so small like that. I have done that and now I am trying to climb or expand that I guess...it is difficult and scary.
But thank GOD for momma and her pushy, nosey ways...I love her so much!