Maybe I am way off base here, but I really am trying to understand. I have read some of your postings here and it sounds like you have lost a true love. I dont know if it was because he left or he passed away. Either way, the loss of that love is a very sad thing, but it sounds like you are giving up on everything else because of this, after saying in your Mothers day post how much your 3 kids rely on you and hoow important they are to you.
I can tell you as a SURVIVOR of a loved one's suicide, you're kids will NEVER understand if you take those pills and arent here anymore. The hole you will leave, will NEVER be filled. They will NEVER "get over it" and they also will NEVER forgive you. They wont know HOW to forgive you because there is NEVER any closure with death by suicide. There are never any answers. It isnt like a car accident or a physical illness. It is a CHOICE that you make.
I was 8 when my father killed himself, and my sister was 6. Your youngest will ALWAYS wonder "IF I had been better behaved, would mommy have stayed", as he gets older he will wonder "Why didnt mommy love me enough to to get better". Your son will likely never trust a woman. For the rest of THEIR lives, your children will be insecure and have very LOW self-esteem, and they will NEVER feel "good enough". They will also always wonder if people in their lives "really" love them, because if your mom/dad doesnt love you enough to stay, you must be VERY unlovable. Your daughters will wonder and feel these same things too, only being older they will also wonder WHY they didnt see this coming, and what they coulda/woulda/shoulda done different to help you want to get better and stay. They WILL blame themselves, and your children will have a VERY hard time TRUSTING anyone. They do NOT deserve any of that.
My dad was 33 years old at the time of his death. I am now 8 year older than my dad was when he died, and at 41 years old Theresa, there are very few MEN I trust OR respect, thanx to my dad. I have been married and divorced twice. I now have a girlfriend.
As an adult, I know now he had too many demons to fight and he got tired. He refused to get help and the alcohol didnt work anymore, but the "child" in me still struggles with the "WHY" and still feels like it was my fault. I am so sad that he missed out on seeing us (my sister and I)grow up, graduate, get married, and have children. All of our accomplishments. I think though the thing that I am saddest of all about, is the I NEVER got to know the person that my father was.
I really hope Theresa you can find the strength that you need to keep fighting this depression and walk out of its darkness back into the light of the living.
You KNOW there are many types of love.....lover to lover,<which is a big one> and parent to child, friend to friend, <these are smaller, different, but no less important>
You cant give up on the smaller ones because you lost the "big one". Thats like eating dinner at a fancy restaurant, and because it was so good, saying you will never eat again because nothing will compare with it. You would STARVE, right? Its also unfair to deny the little loves in your life the pleasure they get from loving you, and it will starve them and harden their hearts.
I really hope this lets you see the other side of the suicide coin, that in my rambling I have made some sense and I truly hope it helps you in your fight.
dx: congenital spondylolisthesis L4, L5-S1:
in english I have 2 slipped vertebrae, no disc material
defibrilator (implanted 1/02)
rx: endocet 10/325, tramadol 300mg, tizanidine 4mg, cozaar 100mg
There arent any strangers here, just friends you havent met yet :)