Posted 5/18/2007 5:22 AM (GMT -6)
i can understand what you've been going through, my sister is about in the same state as you are... since that boyfriend hers left her, she is no longer the same and i'm getting real worried for her...
Posted 5/18/2007 3:08 PM (GMT -6)
I do appreciate your concern but I have to honestly say that I doubt there are many people that have been in my shoes or same type of relationship.  I do not mean to make less of what you and your s/o had but I will tell you that no matter what words are spoken to me or how many times I hear that I will be ok and able to move on, I WONT!!!  I swear, where I hurt is if I am not able too, how is he?  I will forever be lost without this man, I dont expect anyone to understand.  I really dont.
I am the loneliest I have ever been in my life, I actually worry about myself.
Thanks for your care and concerns though, they do mean alot.
"Faith is knowing you're in control
when your life is falling apart,
Faith is in that quiet assurance
I feel deep within my heart".

Posted 5/18/2007 3:35 PM (GMT -6)
Only you can heal your life Teresa and I wish you well :-)
Forum Moderator - Depression
Forum Moderator - Anxiety-Panic Disorders
Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly. 
May your troubles be less,
and your blessings be more..
And nothing but happiness come thru your door :))

May your day be filled with laughter and love.




Posted 5/18/2007 3:42 PM (GMT -6)
sad  Sad but true,  unfortunately I am not woman enough to do it, I have always been pathetic like that.
Maree, thank you for your caring though, I do know even in my deepest despair that people do care for me, it is just usually not enough.
Thank you.
"Faith is knowing you're in control
when your life is falling apart,
Faith is in that quiet assurance
I feel deep within my heart".

Posted 5/18/2007 4:49 PM (GMT -6)
Give it time, I am on Lexapro, a male 39 years old, i recently stopped taken this medication on my own and I wish now that I did'nt, I called back in the prescription and will begen soon, but there is hope out there.
Posted 5/18/2007 9:18 PM (GMT -6)
Thank you but I am hoped out.
"Faith is knowing you're in control
when your life is falling apart,
Faith is in that quiet assurance
I feel deep within my heart".

Posted 5/19/2007 10:18 PM (GMT -6)
Hi Theresa,
Maybe I am way off base here, but I really am trying to understand. I have read some of your postings here and it sounds like you have lost a true love. I dont know if it was because he left or he passed away.  Either way, the loss of that love is a very sad thing, but it sounds like you are giving up on everything else because of this, after saying in your Mothers day post how much your 3 kids rely on you and hoow important they are to you.
I can tell you as a SURVIVOR of a loved one's suicide, you're kids will NEVER understand if you take those pills and arent here anymore. The hole you will leave, will NEVER be filled. They will NEVER "get over it" and they also will NEVER forgive you. They wont know HOW to forgive you because there is NEVER any closure with death by suicide. There are never any answers.        It isnt like a car accident or a physical illness. It is a CHOICE that you make.
I was 8 when my father killed himself, and my sister was 6. Your youngest will ALWAYS wonder "IF I had been better behaved, would mommy have stayed", as he gets older he will wonder "Why didnt mommy love me enough to to get better". Your son will likely never trust a woman. For the rest of THEIR lives, your children will be insecure and have very LOW self-esteem, and they will NEVER feel "good enough". They will also always wonder if people in their lives "really" love them, because if your mom/dad doesnt love you enough to stay, you must be VERY unlovable.  Your daughters will wonder and feel these same things too, only being older they will also wonder WHY they didnt see this coming, and what they coulda/woulda/shoulda done different to help you want to get better and stay. They WILL blame themselves, and your children will have a VERY hard time TRUSTING anyone. They do NOT deserve any of that.
My dad was 33 years old at the time of his death. I am now 8 year older than my dad was when he died, and at 41 years old Theresa, there are very few MEN I trust OR respect, thanx to my dad. I have been married and divorced twice. I now have a girlfriend.
As an adult, I know now he had too many demons to fight and he got tired. He refused to get help and the alcohol didnt work anymore, but the "child" in me still struggles with the "WHY" and still feels like it was my fault.  I am so sad that he missed out on seeing us (my sister and I)grow up, graduate, get married, and have children. All of our accomplishments. I think though the thing that I am saddest of all about, is the I NEVER got to know the person that my father was.  
I really hope Theresa you can find the strength that you need to keep fighting this depression and walk out of its darkness back into the light of the living.
You KNOW there are many types of love.....lover to lover,<which is a big one> and parent to child, friend to friend, <these are smaller, different, but no less important>
 You cant give up on the smaller ones because you lost the "big one". Thats like eating dinner at a fancy restaurant, and because it was so good, saying you will never eat again because nothing will compare with it. You would STARVE, right?  Its also unfair to deny the little loves in your life the pleasure they get from loving you, and it will starve them and harden their hearts.
I really hope this lets you see the other side of the suicide coin, that in my rambling I have made some sense and I truly hope it helps you in your fight.

dx: congenital spondylolisthesis L4, L5-S1:
in english I have 2 slipped vertebrae, no disc material
defibrilator (implanted 1/02)
rx: endocet 10/325, tramadol 300mg, tizanidine 4mg, cozaar 100mg
There arent any strangers here, just friends you havent met yet :)

Posted 5/20/2007 6:41 AM (GMT -6)
Thank you Sassy~
I totally understand what you are saying I really do but people have different perspectives on what rung of the ladder they lay their importance on things.  Of course my children are and will always be the most upper rung in importance.  However, you have to wonder when you talk about children and suicide.  I unlike you have not had a parent commit suicide so I cannot speak on how that feels but I do know this there are times when I wonder how healthy it is for my son to see me sad and depressed all the time.  Yes there will always be questions that a child will pose when something tragic happens but if a child lives with a parent that is depressed, you question your influence on them while you are here.  Sometimes that is just as bad, trust me, from that I can speak from a personal stance.
As far as the love of my life, he is still very much alive an lives only 45 minutes from me.  To compare our love to other examples is ludicris to me.  I am sorry and I appreciate your take on this but when you experience a love like I had you would understand.  What made my love so much more meaningful is the fact that with my depression he was a wonderful supportive man.  If you read this forum alone, you will see that there are more than enough relationships that are past by because of the depression of a s/o or someone is struggling with emotions or what to do feelings.  I lost more than just love.  I lost understanding and unconditional acceptance.
I am going through an extremely tough time right now and to think positive.
"Faith is knowing you're in control
when your life is falling apart,
Faith is in that quiet assurance
I feel deep within my heart".

Posted 5/20/2007 9:54 PM (GMT -6)
I can tell you are going through a very hard time, and that is why i posted. I want you to be ABLE to only be positive. I truly am sorry for what you lost.

Knowing how you feel right now, the sense of losing unconditional love and acceptance, would you ever make your children go through that? Because I would imagine that is how you love your children, acceptingly and unconditionally. I love my children that way, hell I personally love EVERYONE thats in my life that way, so I DO know what you are talking about. I didnt know that you are supposed to love people any differently.

My point is having a parent that is sad and depressed all the time, but trying to fight it off is WAY better than seeing a parent cold, still and in coffin. I absolutely CAN tell you about that. Children cant get answers from tombstones. They dont smile at you, or hug you, or answer you.

The bottom line is that suicide is a PERMANENT fix to a temporary problem.

As other people have posted to you, whether you like it or not, the time will come when the grief is lessened, and you have to move on, thats just how life works. ONLY you have the power to decide when you are done wallowing in this misery, and make the change.

As an aside, I DONT share that story about my dad with very many people Theresa, and i'm sorry you felt it was ludicrous. It was a VERY personal and private thing that I dont talk about. I just thought seeing the repurcussions from that act might help you, as most people who are suicidal cant think past then "ending" of their own pain to the ripples they leave behind. I will not bother you with this again and I wish you the best.
dx: congenital spondylolisthesis L4, L5-S1:
in english I have 2 slipped vertebrae, no disc material
defibrilator (implanted 1/02)
rx: endocet 10/325, tramadol 300mg, tizanidine 4mg, cozaar 100mg
There arent any strangers here, just friends you havent met yet :)

Posted 5/20/2007 10:16 PM (GMT -6)
Let me first apologize for obviously making a statement that I did not mean to be interpreted in a negative way about your father.  I would never do that to anyone.  I highly respect the fact that you cared enough to share that with me and I am saddened that I phrased it in a way that it impacted you like it did, BELIEVE ME THAT WAS NOT MY INTENT!
I guess in retrospect what I was saying was my general feeling was that I find ludicracy in the fact that "people" in general tend to think that we must go on for whomever. Whether that person be a spouse, children, etc.  I have always tried to live for me first because that is what we are supposed to do.  That old antige, live for number one or something like that.
When number 1 is wore out, it is really rough on everyone else that is all, I know because I have been a single mom most of my life and I have tried to hide that "tired" face and it only hurt me more.
Again, I am sorry I never meant in anyway to demean your post :(
"Faith is knowing you're in control
when your life is falling apart,
Faith is in that quiet assurance
I feel deep within my heart".

Posted 5/21/2007 11:58 AM (GMT -6)
I lost the LOVE of my life my reason for living in 1979 in a car accident left with 2 babes ages 2 and 4 .........I was TOTALLY devasted then and I still think of him know but for reasons that are GOOD
I have found that I was weak then and lost me in the horrid way this all came about .....
I felt useless alone and hated HIM( God) but know that I know in Hindsight have been able to look back and know he was needed up there and I was needed down here to carry on the love and needs of our sons ........
I never thought I would ever find another man I could or would let get close to me again but ya know what I DID........we had a daughter together he was slowly becoming an alcholic and it went downhill from there He was controlling and made me feel like scum all the time .......
I could not have friends nor even family over without him being there or even answer OUR phone ya get the picture.......anyways we went our ways he was so bad with the booze and he was diabetic I keep saying was here as sadly he died 2 days after my birthday in 2000
Cait his daughter has his ashes and I look at pics of him when he was so handsome he melted my heart BUT what he did to me and what I allowed him to do to me was wrong
Physical scars do heal ( not saying beating woman is right by no means nono Emotional ones do not IMHO unless you are doing something to help them ..there are some scars that cannot be healed so you put them in a box in your mind  / heart wherever and close the lid .....Your children need you and I have so much illness and so much pain from the DD's yet I am able to put the smile on my face and its not faked when I see my 32 yr old son ( other passed away as well) beautiful daughter and my 2 grandbabes ..IF you cannot do this for you then PLEASE do it for your kids and yes it is the way it should be they didnt ask to be put in this right I am not putting you down I am an honest and open person that has compassion and empathy ..........I believe you need to find the YOU that was there before ......
 I met Howie at a Bikers Pig Roast here in town and the first look let me know I was in love for real once again I had become the strong person I use to be self reliant and self sufficient and I ahd the Balls I never lost ( only hid) once again.........
We were together for 3 months falling asleep on the couch cuddling
NEVER made any attempt on either part to make love we just cuddled and fell into a love so beautiful
He was very supportive of all I had gone thru and was going thru with the sores I get the dx of crohns and finally another severe helth blow ( i dont bring to boards ).....
I pushed him away It was me that asked him to leave I felt I was too much of a burden the TX I was having to take would make me il and tired for days YET he never worried about what he needed to do even after working 12 14 hr shifts
IT WAS ME...........
My daughter asked if she could call him Dad and I was shocked they still have that daughter / father relationship and I think somewhere down the line we will reconcile first I had to swallow my pride and KNOW he LOVED me thru sickness and health .......
As was posted only YOU can do something about this just as I had to thru all these loses  and find a way to get out of this rut and stinking thinking you are in
YOU are bright ,and I know there is someone out there for you .......
I never was one to believe in Fairy Tales hun but my life kinda reads like one with plenty of anguish in between ..........BUT I have gotten thru it andppl here are trying to help you get thru this as well
LOVE HURTS for sure .......but it can also bring you the best of feelings ever .....that and my children is what I carry on for as well as my dad who has alzheimers
PLease do try to attempt taking steps or couselling to help you out as well as this support system .........
You need to talk please email me

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Post Edited (Howlyncat) : 5/21/2007 11:10:25 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/21/2007 6:29 PM (GMT -6)
sad  This man was the love of my life and will forever be.  I read your post about how you met and how wonderful and unique it was.  That is what I am talking about!!!  That is what I and this wonderful man had and I will never be able to have that again.  There comes a time in your life when you really feel love and realize that you have come to a place in your life that you know you will never be the same.
I guess I could compare that with people that are older and were with the same person and when that person died, they never moved on.  Sure they had people come and go in their lives as life would have it, but they never gave their hearts again.  That is what we had, I know it.  I know to some people that sounds pathetic but as you know and are experiencing there is THAT love out there.  Unfortunately for me, I will pray for the rest of my life to have it back.
That doesnt mean that I am not strong, it simply means that my heart is not whole and without what I had it wont be again.
God does listen to me, he shows me every day that I am doing the right thing for this love, yea, it is a struggle and I feel more pain than I probably should but I am assured in my faith it will be worth it.
"Faith is knowing you're in control
when your life is falling apart,
Faith is in that quiet assurance
I feel deep within my heart".

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