I have been "blue" since October 2006. I can see as I look back at my employment that it effected me at work. I thought that I was just going to have a "hard winter", as I have had in the past. I did what I could to keep myself up, but kept slipping. In January I slipped off the edge. I became suicidal and unfunctional. In February I started medications, but they didn't seem to work. I took (mandatory) time away from family and responsibilities. I started counseling. I tried a diffrent medication. I had the medication increased. I had it incresed again. I learned a lot about depression and the physical effects it has on the brain and body. My husband sank into depression and started medications.
I did a lot of self evaluation with the help of the counselor and phyciritrist and no my own. I found that I don't know what it is to NOT be "blue". I have had distructive, depressive, thoughts and behaviors since childhood. I don't know what normal IS .
Saturday I started switching to another new medication. Yesterday (Wednesday), at about 9:25 a "switch" happened in my mind. Suddenly there was COLOR in the world. I felt the "FOG" lift a bit. I felt like I might not know the soulotion to my problems yet, but I was sure that I would be able to figure it out.
It felt a little like if you were sinking and floundering in water, then suddenly you start to swim. You're still in the water, but you are in control of the water now, instead of it being in control of you.
I will have to completly relearn how to think. What I once thought were my strengths I see now are self-distructive actions and I must replace them. The problem is that I don't know what to repace them with.
I'm not even sure how much of my life I will need to overhaul. I have been like this my whole adult life, even as a teen. I got married like this. I had kids like this. How much is who I am, and how much is the disease? How do I know? There are so many questions.
Today I am basking in the glow of my new found self. I am terrorfied that the "FOG" will re-settle and I will loose this feeling. I have to tell someone.
When you cannot stand, on whom do you lean?