Hi Graces, :) I normally post in Chronic Pain, but was reading your post and hope that by chiming in I can maybe help put this into some kind of perspective for you.
I can relate somewhat to what you are talking about
, when I was 8 my father committed suicide. I am now 41 and sometimes it still saddens and angers me. I am angry/sad at all of the things he missed out on, BUT at the same time it saddens me that his demons became too much for him to fight anymore. He refused to go get help and the alcohol didnt work anymore. Growing up I had alot of the same issues you are talking about
, the insecurity, the guilt, the what if's etc. However, surviving that has made me have a different perspective on what that does to families.
This might sound very harsh to you & if I upset you, I apologize ahead of time. That being said, here goes:
You do NOT have to cope with the mind games that your mother is playing. From your post, I do not know if she does this to all your sisters or just you, but either way what she IS doing is TOXIC to you guys and your emotional health! She is playing the suicide card to manipulate you into doing what she wants. You really and truly need to distance yourself from her for a long time OR again IMHO you need to cut off ALL contact with her, and worry about
getting yourself better so then you can deal with her more efficiently. YOUR MOTHERS HAPPINESS IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, NOR IS IT YOUR SISTERS responsibility!!!!
If you bleieve nothing else that I have posted to you today, PLEASE believe in that one. Yes, its THAT important.
IF she DECIDES to commit suicide, then it is by HER choice sweetpea. There is not a dang thing you can do about
it. It doesnt matter WHAT she tells you. She is trying to GUILT you into loving her. My ex-mother-in-law played that card also, and lost. By that I mean she got her wish. There was no calvary to come save her after she took all the meds she had squirreled away. In her note, she blamed my sister-in-law and claimed it was all her fault. Unfotunately she died trying to make a point. It was a terrible thing to go through AGAIN. My husband and his family were devastated. My point is this: When people threaten to do this, they are trying to keep CONTROL over other people. PERIOD. Trust me, the groundwork for the lifetime of guilt should she succeed in killing herself has already been well laid. For you she's had 35 years to do this.
IMHO your mother IS a very bitter and SELFISH person. I dont think that she CARES about
any of you. It seems to be all about
HER. Because you are not well, you really DONT need to handle all of this ugliness. If you are not able to cut yourself off from her for a while, at least talk to your oldest sister and have her help your mother get the help that she needs. You are a decent person and you DONT deserve this. It doesnt matter who its coming from. And iF she does go thru wit this, YOU AR NOT TO BLAME!!! DO NOT let ANYONE tel you any different. EVER!!!!
What was really strange in my life was when my 1st husband and I split up, he threatened to kill himself and TRIED to make me feel guilty about
it. I LAUGHED at him and said "go ahead. i'm NOT gonna stop you." He then was like well you are gonna tell the kids its all your fault I did this. ummmmmmm NO I'M NOT!! i dont have to tell them anything. Anyway, please, please, please DONT fall into this trap. You are a wonderful caring person that doesnt deserve this. If i've offended you, again please accept my apology as that was NOT my intent.
dx: congenital spondylolisthesis L4, L5-S1:
in english I have 2 slipped vertebrae, no disc material
defibrilator (implanted 1/02)
rx: endocet 10/325, tramadol 300mg, tizanidine 4mg, cozaar 100mg
There arent any strangers here, just friends you havent met yet :)