I think my meds need adjusting or changing or something. I don't see my doctor til next week and there's no way for me to get in before then because of my son's practice schedule for his musical next Wednesday. So I'm just kind of there. Hanging in. I feel just completely down. I have no motivation. I feel like crying all the time. I know some of it is the repercussions from the 3-4 weeks of hell we went through with finances and my son's own problems, and now that the steps have been taken to deal with that, I just feel flat. Tired all the time. It's like no matter what I want to do, there's this huge wall I have to break through, mental fog almost, to get to the point of even starting and that alone is so exhausting that getting anything done is near impossible. And so I sit here at the computer, zoning out, not thinking, not doing anything. I have about 5 more weeks off before I go back to work and I feel like I'm barely out of the starting gate as far as dealing with anything goes. Those 3-4 weeks of hell were a set back where my focus and energies were elsewhere. Yes, it did finally bring me to the breakdown that needed to come, but it wasn't enough. And now I don't even know how to explain how I'm feeling. Things are better with my husband. We are communicating better. He is helping around the house more. Taking more responsibility. But I just feel "dead" inside. And I'm frustrated with myself as much as anything for not being able to get past this. I'm thinking a medication adjustment should help, but it's waiting til I can get in to see my doctor that's hard. I feel like time is slipping away... And I also feel like I'm dwelling on the past too much. I can't let go and I want to so badly but I don't know how. Does that make sense? I worry about everything I do cause I don't want to repeat the same mistakes. I am anxious about everything. And downright frustrated with life in general. You sort of feel like life owes you something after all the crap, but the truth is, it doesn't owe you anything. You have to get out and get it yourself. But what if you can't? What if circumstances beyond your control keep you from getting out there and doing what you need to do to get better? I have spent the majority of my life looking after others. I'm always concerned about the needs/wants of others. And yet when it comes to me, it at times feels like no one is the least concerned about me. I know it's wrong and I know it's the depression talking when I say that, cause just yesterday my friend called me up just to see how I was doing. But that's one friend and I hate feeling like I'm burdening one person with too many cares when I know everybody has their issues to deal with. Why are mine so special? Why are mine any different? And so the downward spiral of self-doubt and self-loathing continues.... I hate the fact that I need others or outside stimulus to make me happy. Why can't I just be happy? I have two beautiful kids. I'm very lucky to have my husband. And despite our issues, he is a wonderful person. He doesn't beat me or belittle me, he's just not romantic and like many men, can be insensitive at times. I know my depression clouds my judgment with regards to my marriage and my kids and my life in general. And that's why I find myself questioning everything I say or do. And questioning the actions or inactions of the people around me, wondering did I do something or not do something to cause that. And sometimes it's just easier to lock myself up somewhere and not deal with it.
Anyways, I just needed to vent/rant. I'm sure many of you will relate and understand. Depression is a disease that destroys you and the people around you. It takes a lot of understanding and compassion to live with us, and when we at times can't live with ourselves, it's hard to even ask others to do it. But I see my doctor next week and I'm going to push for a drug change/adjustment and see where that goes. Thanks for listening.
It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....