Thanks for your replies, you are all so supportive. I am so glad to be here.
Pink, you are so right, i mean you described me so well.
Els thanks for your advice, it is worth thinking about.
I have always had problems talking with people about how i am feeling and i have coped on my own for years. This time last year i just exploded, i could not do it anymore and that is when i knew i needed extra help.
My GP referred me to the MHT and had my meds reviewed and was given a social worker. A lovely lady, but i was finding it hard to talk to her and it took me a while to be able to tell her about my feelings.
Eventually i learnt to trust her and we would talk about anything and everything. Even when i was feeling really impulsive and having suicidal thoughts she was there on the end of the phone to try and help me. In January this year she thought i was ready to do therapy and so i started CBT. I was beginning to feel just that bit better.
I would sit there with my therapist and say nothing, because i couldnt. I mean i didnt know who he was. Even now i am still finding it hard to talk to him. I right alot of things down but he says it is all jumbled and so we are working on trying to meake my writing a bit more structured. It is extremly hard.
Since starting therapy I have gone right down hill again and i feel i should be improvong not getting worse. I know the saying is things get worse before they get better but i feel stuck. Feel things are to hard, like i dont know how to get out of this.
I am not allowed to talk to my social worker about my feelings anymore as my therapist thinks it will get in the way of my therapy with him. But i am still struggling with him.
I have no self esteem (or very little)I am still trying to hide alot of the way i am feeling, just to get me throught every day. In between therapy there is no one and althugh i can phone my therapist i can never get in touch with him as he is always busy and hardly ever gets back to me.
I havew been told by him to use the helplines but i cant seem to as they dont know anything about me and my situation and they ask things like do you know why you are feeling like this etc and i cant keep explaining it all.
Also i do find it hard to talk with people, even over the phone.
See i am just useless and pathetic. I cant even talk to people about how i am feeling.
Thanks for reading this.....