It is really difficult to try to give advice to someone that you dont know. I will give you a brief history of what I have experienced and if you can relate to any of it, please consider it.
I am a single mom of 3 children, 20,14 and 6. I am 42 and live with my youngest. I dont work and have been disabled. I have had major clinical recurrent depression for over 20 years which was excerbated by the birth of my first child. My depression was initially diagnosed as postpartum depression. Since then I have lived every day of my life with this horrible depression.
The positive side of being a mom is that there are times when my child(ren) keep me busy and it is hard to think about being depressed. My first child was the only one that was planned so I became a mother unexpectedly. Would I have had more children by planning, no. I found that no matter how much I love my children, I would have never deliberately have had any after my first child. I would never give them up but if I had the choice, the answer would be no.
I have always said that I wa never the mothering type and that I wanted my time for me. Selfish, yes but having time for me is more important than anything else. Now, please dont think of me as a bad person, I am just trying to be honest and upfront with anyone wanting to know the truth for me and being a mom. When I am depressed I AM DEPRESSED! I try not to cry or behave depressed in front of my 6 year old. This adds to the depression because then I become agitated and angry and lash out at others around me, the person in line in front of me, the person looking for the exact change in the grocery line and on and on. I become an extremely angry person because I cant show my son my tears. I know you say, but he sees this ugliness such as anger. Yea, I know I think that too but I guess my twisted rationalizing is this, I would rather him see a person being strong (angry)(remember this is the stinking-thinking rationale) rather than the cry baby boohoo that I would be instead.
I just realized that I am rambling and I myself hate to ramble so I will leave you with this. Depending on how you feel about your illness and the ability to take care of another human being other than yourself, I cannot give any advice but this is my thinking. If I would be going through what you are and making decisions with what my experiences are, this is what I would consider.....What do I have to offer a new life that for the next 21+ years I will be responsible for..Do I have my own illness in check and willing to for at least for awhile put it on the back burner, or for that matter is that even a choice, with my depression, I am so ill with it that I know that I could not make it a backseat illness.
Good luck in your decision. I am sorry I couldnt offer really anything of substance. I just know that right now with that decision, I would not have another baby now or even in the future. My depression has already taken too much away from me that I could give any more of me.
"Faith is knowing you're in control
when your life is falling apart,
Faith is in that quiet assurance
I feel deep within my heart".