Posted 5/28/2007 12:50 PM (GMT -6)
I hesitated about writing this but I am going to anyway. You know I was looking at some of the posts that I have started and have realized that they have been a mixture of emotions. I also looked at the time frame in which they were written. As I read them I could feel the pain that I was feeling as I posted that particular post and then I could actually feel a warm, comforting feeling when I read some that will forever hold a spot in my heart.
My life today these past several days have really been a struggle. I am not going to devulge some of the things I am going through as I guess I am not looking for advice. No offense guys but I am all worn out with good advice, I know you mean well but I guess this post is just to let you know a little of what I am going through and ask that you pray for me and my loved ones.
I want to first say that through all this pain that I am feeling, I have a sense of calmness and peace because of a certain recent developement in my life. It is what is getting me through every day, I mean it, EVERYDAY!!!!! I wonder how I would cope with what is going on in my life without this little bit of peace. Having said that, there are factors that I must deal with to insure the serenity I have with that. This is something that I know in the long run will be a blessing but for right now, it tears me up. But as I said before, in my crazy world, with it I have peace.
I am having an issue with one of my children that has come to a head and looking at it today, will not have a good ending. This situation will indeed make or break me to the point of helplessness. In fact, I am scared to death to face this problem head-on but there is no other alternative now. My life as I know it will be under fire within the next week. I feel lost and alone and hopeless. I feel numb and this weekend has been almost more than I can take. I have been home with my son (6) this weekend and it has been a trial to stay off the couch the entire weekend. The sun is shining and the birds are chirping but I HATE ALL OF IT!!! I see people laughing, having a good time, I see motorcycles going by and wish I could be there feeling the wind on my skin and the sun on my face, BUT I AM NOT, I AM HERE ALONE, DEPRESSED WISHING THAT I DIDNT HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANYTHING. It just seems as if I am the only person in the world that isnt having a weekend that is memorable.
I hate everything about the sun and warmth. I want so much to be laughing and enjoying what I cannot. I want to curl up in a corner and just forget about everything. There is so much pain in my heart right now I cant even get the right words out!
I thought ok I need to maybe get out and do something to feel better, so I purchased a trampoline several weeks ago. Having noone to get it for me, I went and got it. It fit in my car so that made me happy. I was actually excited to get it home and put it together. Once I got it home, I had a hard time getting it together. I worked so hard on it and finally couldnt do anymore because my stupid hand started throbbing. So today it sits half way together because I dont have the strength to pull the stupid springs together because of my stupid hand. so it sits there as a reminder of how useless I am. I am such a loser and a stupid loser at that. Who has problems like this? I get so mad at myself that I wish I could beat myself so bad that I would beat the stupid out of me. However, that wouldnt happen because I am all stupid, what would be left?
Guys, I am so sad and everything is irritating me and I just want to scream! I have used more obscenity the last few days yes in front of my son than I have ever thought I would. I just really hate me and my life. I mean really hate, you have no idea!!!!!!
I know why I am alone and have nothing it is because of the stupidity and uselessness of what my mother gave birth to 42 years ago. I cant handle another holiday, I mean it you guys, I cant. I hate them so bad. What I wouldnt give to just feel glad to be somewhere where I was smiling in the sun like I used too. These type of days are going to destroy me. God has given me the strength to muster through these days but what he doesnt realize is that this girl is tired of settling for just this....numbness.
There is not a day that goes by that I dont thank God for giving me the blessings he has but I cant keep doing days like these past few, I wont.
Just really sad you guys, I want so to be enjoying the day like everyone else. Sometimes I think that it will never be especially with everything that is going to impact my life. I cant deal with this.
" If we deny love that is given to us, if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss, then our lives will be empty, our loss greater.”